visiting in-laws; help me come up with good phrases for 1) I don't need to tell you why and 2) it's
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
Good lord SERIOUSLY? Sure, people discuss that with complete strangers. Other people, not OP (and not me). If a pregnant woman wants to bring up her birth with a stranger, great. No one should ever presume to ask. |
Anonymous
And she hasn't had the baby yet. THe MIL apparently wants to know what she's planning to do. Which I can understand not wanting to get into a discussion about. |
Anonymous
|
NP here--great replies and also yes that PP that said, "follow up with, "do you think it will rain…" is dead-on and that part is essential--to have about five questions like that in your head to send the conversation in another direction.
It could even be about your kid, so the deflection isn't so obvious. "Ah, let's not put makeup on baby Larla, but oh, that reminds me, what do you think of this little outfit I bought her?" |
Anonymous
I just smile, laugh in a friendly way, and move on. Comebacks are hostile. You just smile and let it roll off. |
Anonymous
|
For things I don't want to talk about, I try to just change the conversation without responding at all. I find that it stresses me out more to try to have a canned response. Plus, my MIL really does just want to talk, so it's better if I can find a subject that we both are interested in.
For things she wants to do that I don't find acceptable (like give the toddler whole apples) I have to be extremely firm and say "No, only cut apples" and physically interject myself if necessary. (Not like pushing and shoving, but I have had to take an apple out of her hands before.) It is very important to be very clear here - people like my MIL and your ILs take any sort of discussion or ambiguity as an opening to continue trying to get what they want. So you have to shut them down as firmly as possible. |
Anonymous
Forgot to add - for those few subjects that I REALLY cannot tolerate talking about with MIL, such as my hair, clothes, and weight loss/weight gain, I have just told her outright "Please don't discuss that with me." And she got the message and does not touch on those subjects. |
Anonymous
+1,000 Say this enough times and the boundary jumper will STFU. 
|
Anonymous
These are great. If you don't want to be confrontational at all, you could say, ME: I don't want you to put make up on my baby HER: But we have so much fun! Why not!? THere's nothing wrong with it. "I am very uncomfortable with that, and she is my baby." <---- assertiveness necessary here, and if she pushes, "I understand (to whatever she argues) but I'm just odd about this and don't want make-up on baby. Glad you could do that with SIL's kids since you enjoy it so much. What about doing XXXXX with little Larla. that should be fun." |
Anonymous
|
Seriously, if the examples you gave are the worst of it, you need to lighten up or get a thicker skin.
|
Anonymous
This isn't constructive. She's not saying she is hurt or going to have a cry about it. She is trying to come up with positive and successful ways of communicating with someone who can be kind of pushy. This is the stuff that makes up most of our day to day challenges, and there's nothing wrong with discussing it here. |
Anonymous
|
Q: "How much weight have you gained?"
A: "Who knows?!" laugh and immediately change subject Q: "Vaginal or C-section?" A: "Who knows?!" laugh and immediately change subject Questions about parenting: Q: "Why no makeup?" A: "That's just what I've decided!" smile and immediately change subject In other words, give non-answer answers in a pleasant way, smile/laugh, and immediately change the subject. |
Anonymous
OP here. I'm comfortable with it (C-section or not); that was probably not a good example. I guess my point is that I am pregnant and she wants to know a lot of details I am NOT comfortable talking about... (weight gain is probably the one she gets excited about the most). |
Anonymous
|
Although I see your side, OP, having been there, and having in-laws with zero boundaries, I feel kind of bad for your MIL. She doesn't sound like a total monster. It just sounds as if she likes to talk more frankly and openly than you do, and considers pregnancy talk interesting and one of the things women bond over. She probably also considers you family, and so doesn't realize you think of her as an intrusive acquaintance who makes you uncomfortable. And she's probably genuinely curious to hear about why you disagree with her about playing make-up with the grandchild or the other things you set limits on. I don't get a sense of any boundaries being overstepped. Your way may not be any more right than hers, but from her point of view, because of age and experience, she may think she knows better or at least that there are a range of okay ways to do things.
|
Anonymous
|
About the weight: "Oh gosh, I have no idea. Doc says it's fine, so I don't worry about it." The refer-to-doc approach works for a lot of pregnancy nosiness.
re toddlers, I find giving well-meaning but clueless grandparents reasons helps. "Don't because it will be too hard to clean off. Guaranteed tantrum." |
Anonymous
| what's wrong with playing makeup with a 2 yo? |