SIL wants to cut ties with my family-WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Have you offered to go visit your brother? It sounds like you generally want him to come to you. You mention inviting him to your parents to see you, but did you make any effort to go to him? Sometimes you have to make the first move.

Who knows who is right or wrong? It's impossible to know, to each person perception is reality. Your brother is hurting. If you care/it really matters to you, than you need to bend and try to do something which will make a difference to him and make him feel loved/important to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I feel for your brother. Sounds like your mom went out of her way for you and not for him. Hate when parents do this as is really causes sibling problems. Your mom moved to be near you and was your nanny? Ouch..I can only imagine how that feels for your brother. I think SIL is probably sick of it all. What OP are you doing to be more proactive to them? FYI I hate when relatives who never see me or my kids send gifts it feels like they are checking a box off. No thank you.

+1,000

Sounds like your mom played favorites & now has to reap what she sowed. Doubt you'll see
it this way, the favored kid usually can't see it for what it is.

I don't see this at all. It's a change in circumstance. OP's mom's hours had been cut -- OP was able to pay her more than job was paying, so mom took the job with OP. FF to brother's kids, mom has a job that pays and BIL is not. She helps as much as she can -- taking time off, etc. But is not quitting or losing job to help Brother. OP never said that the Brother would pay the mom as well or better than her current job. If he hasn't done that and is just expecting the same treatment because he helps his parents and gives them used stuff -- that's unrealistic. Like the OP said, you can't pay bills with used furniture.

Also, if he really is feeling used, he's putting her in between a rock and hard place. If she helps him as much as she did OP at the cost of her job -- she will need more financial help. If she doesn't help the Brother with the kid and continues the job, he's mad because he's not getting the same treatment. It sounds like to me me that mom is doing as much as she can considering her circumstances and Brother is expecting the same exact treatment OP got. That's what my 5 year old twins expect. One would think a grown man would know the difference.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for the responses. While I don't necessarily agree with everything, it has certainly helped me to see my brother's perspective. Even if I don't think my mom played favorites, he does, and he's hurt, so I asked myself if I wanted to be right or if I wanted a relationship with my brother's family. I decided the latter was far more important.

I just sent an email to SIL telling her that I wanted to work on building our relationship, apologizing for contributing to the breakdown in their relationship with my mom. I also acknowledged that she is the only reason that our families have a relationship at all, thanked her for her efforts over the years, and recognized that it was a difficult position for her to be in. I offered to go through my brother for communication if she would prefer. I also apologized for not calling to tell them about the baby. I didn't mention that my reason was because they hadn't seen DD2, just that for too long I relied on my mother to tell them things about my family and since that wasn't an option anymore, I should have been proactive and called them.

I told her that I very much want to see her family and have our kids know each other, and that her family is always welcome at my house when they're in the area. I said that when we go back home next I would like to see them and would be happy to travel to them if they would like to meet closer to their house or are still not speaking to my mom.

Basically, I ate all the crow, laid no blame, and took responsibility for my actions. I'm happy with what I did. I hope it works to repair the relationship for our children. Thanks again for all the feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for the responses. While I don't necessarily agree with everything, it has certainly helped me to see my brother's perspective. Even if I don't think my mom played favorites, he does, and he's hurt, so I asked myself if I wanted to be right or if I wanted a relationship with my brother's family. I decided the latter was far more important.

I just sent an email to SIL telling her that I wanted to work on building our relationship, apologizing for contributing to the breakdown in their relationship with my mom. I also acknowledged that she is the only reason that our families have a relationship at all, thanked her for her efforts over the years, and recognized that it was a difficult position for her to be in. I offered to go through my brother for communication if she would prefer. I also apologized for not calling to tell them about the baby. I didn't mention that my reason was because they hadn't seen DD2, just that for too long I relied on my mother to tell them things about my family and since that wasn't an option anymore, I should have been proactive and called them.

I told her that I very much want to see her family and have our kids know each other, and that her family is always welcome at my house when they're in the area. I said that when we go back home next I would like to see them and would be happy to travel to them if they would like to meet closer to their house or are still not speaking to my mom.

Basically, I ate all the crow, laid no blame, and took responsibility for my actions. I'm happy with what I did. I hope it works to repair the relationship for our children. Thanks again for all the feedback.

Good for you, OP.
It would be nice to follow up with a "Jane and Jimmy would love to Skype with their cousins; we'll call you at 7:00 tomorrow if that works for you". This way, it's not just one big, uncomfortable ball sitting in her court.

[Anonymous]

Nicely done OP. Sometimes eating crow is not such a bad thing. I fairly exhausted myself trying to figure out my SIL until I finally just told her she was wonderful, and I hoped that we could be friends someday, even if I was a heathen and my family was going to hell.

It's much nicer to deal with them now, and my kids have cousins to interact with away from judgmental parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for the responses. While I don't necessarily agree with everything, it has certainly helped me to see my brother's perspective. Even if I don't think my mom played favorites, he does, and he's hurt, so I asked myself if I wanted to be right or if I wanted a relationship with my brother's family. I decided the latter was far more important.

I just sent an email to SIL telling her that I wanted to work on building our relationship, apologizing for contributing to the breakdown in their relationship with my mom. I also acknowledged that she is the only reason that our families have a relationship at all, thanked her for her efforts over the years, and recognized that it was a difficult position for her to be in. I offered to go through my brother for communication if she would prefer. I also apologized for not calling to tell them about the baby. I didn't mention that my reason was because they hadn't seen DD2, just that for too long I relied on my mother to tell them things about my family and since that wasn't an option anymore, I should have been proactive and called them.

I told her that I very much want to see her family and have our kids know each other, and that her family is always welcome at my house when they're in the area. I said that when we go back home next I would like to see them and would be happy to travel to them if they would like to meet closer to their house or are still not speaking to my mom.

Basically, I ate all the crow, laid no blame, and took responsibility for my actions. I'm happy with what I did. I hope it works to repair the relationship for our children. Thanks again for all the feedback.

NP here. Good for you. I really think the issue is the unfair treatment your brother received and the fact that you couldn't see it was unfair. Acknowledge that to your brother, too. Good job extending the olive branch!

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP. I hope you all reconcile.

[Anonymous]

You did a good thing, OP! You might also think about emailing your brother to let him know that you can understand his point of view and that you love him and would like to be closer. And that you're sorry your mom played favorites. Good luck to you!