SIL wants to cut ties with my family-WWYD?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
This is long, so apologies for that, but I wanted to make sure to provide enough detail, and this is an issue that is 16 years in the making.
My brother and his wife have always had a strained relationship with our family. Mostly, it always seemed like SIL wasn’t interested in having a relationship with our family, and that rubbed off on my brother. SIL's parents are both deceased, so it's not an issue of choosing her family over ours. Things seemed to get better for a while, and up until a year ago, they did spend a fair amount of time with my parents and my parents were close to their two children (ages 7 and 5). Then suddenly, they stopped talking to my parents, and no one could really figure out why. Finally, my brother told my mom that it was because she moved to the DC area (from several states away) to come live with us and be our nanny for the first year of my daughter’s life. My brother said that it upset him, because he’d asked my mom to do the same when his wife was ill, and my mom had said no. My mom does not recall him asking to set up any sort of formal arrangement. She helped out as much as she could, driving 2 hours to his house at least once a week to help out, but she did have a job and couldn’t miss work too much. My brother paid my mom for the work that she missed, but she couldn’t miss too much work or she’d lose her job, and the help my brother needed was temporary. My brother also feels that he and SIL do a lot for my parents (financially; I’m not sure of the exact extent, but I’m pretty sure they pay for my mom’s cell phone bill, they give my parents old computers, furniture that they no longer want but are still in good condition, and they do a lot for my parents on holidays. My parents, fwiw, have very little money, so this is all really helpful--we paid my mother for her time with us as a nanny because she can't afford to work for free.) My brother feels that my parents don’t reciprocate, and I think he feels used. I get the impression this is coming more from my brother than SIL, but since it’s his family, he’s going to take the lead. My mother is a good mother and an amazing grandmother (seriously, I tell her that she should give lessons around here on how to be a good and supportive grandparent after reading about some of the nightmares posters here deal with) and she is heartbroken that they've cut ties with her. I have not seen my brother or his family since DD1's 2nd birthday, and she turns 5 next week. He and his wife don't respond to emails from me or my sister or interact with us in any other way (texts, facebook, etc.). DD2 is 18 months old, and they have never met her or acknowledged her, despite the fact that I spent much of my maternity leave at my parents' house. I invited them up several times, but they did not respond to my emails or texts while we were there, or on subsequent visits. SIL has visited the DC area a few times over the past few years, but has never contacted us about including us in the visit. Last week, SIL emailed to ask for ideas for DD1's upcoming birthday. I replied and made a comment about being pregnant with baby #3 (due in March). She responded that first, she hadn’t known about the pregnancy, and it seemed like they were always the last to find out about things (which, I don’t really know how she expects to find out if she doesn’t generally engage when we reach out nor will she talk to my parents). Then she suggested that maybe we should stop sending gifts because it adds a lot of effort, we don't get to see the kids enjoy the gifts, and she doesn't know anything about our children. She said she would keep doing it if we wanted, because she doesn't want to cause any issues, but doesn't want to keep doing it out of a "perceived obligation." I understand that it's probably a pain for her to be only one putting any effort into a relationship with my brother's family, but we're family. Our kids are all roughly the same age and I’d like them to know each other as best they can considering the distance. I also don't want the kids, on either side, to think it's their fault that they don’t have a relationship with some of their extended family. I feel like she's trying to cut ties but put it on me. I am waffling between going off on her and pointing out to her that the reason she doesn't know my children is because they put no effort into doing so, and that she has never put any effort in trying to become part of our family, that the only reason I've kept up any semblance of a relationship is because it would make my mother sad if I didn't, OR telling her that I would much rather try to build our relationship so our kids would know each other. And that's my preference, really, to be able to put any bullsh*t behind us so our kids can be cousins, but I don't want to put myself out there if she and my brother are just going to continue to ignore me and my family. WWYD? |
Anonymous
| Forget it and move on. Sounds like my husbands brother and sil. We went to visit flying cross country and flew their mom down and they refused to see us for the week we were there. mom moved near then, they saw her once and vanished. Mom was not ok and we begged then to check in. We asked them to find out what she needed and they refused. We had to move here here as they would not help. We stopped sending gifts or doing anything. We have other nasty family and got tired of chains them and sending gifts and gave up too. Not worth it. |
Anonymous
| Don't blame this on your SIL. It's your brother. I have the same thing going on with my brother. Forget about the gifts. Do your kids really need more stuff? My kids would much rather have a phone conversation with their uncle ( a visit would be amazing but it isn't going to happen soon). My kids are Tweens now and they are hurt. My brother has made clear that it has nothing to do with us and he just isn't close to family at this point in his life. All I want is one visit every year or so but that is too much for him . My SIL is beyond lovely and is in the middle. She wants to know us but has to respect my brother 's wishes. I keep the lines of communication open with her and hope things will change one day. |
Anonymous
| This isn't your SIL's issue. Have a conversation with your brother. If he is mad at your mother, that is their problem. It's not your job to protect your mother (even though you want to). It's obvious that your brother is feeling slighted and he needs to work that out with his(your) mother. |
Anonymous
| PP I feel for your brother. Sounds like your mom went out of her way for you and not for him. Hate when parents do this as is really causes sibling problems. Your mom moved to be near you and was your nanny? Ouch..I can only imagine how that feels for your brother. I think SIL is probably sick of it all. What OP are you doing to be more proactive to them? FYI I hate when relatives who never see me or my kids send gifts it feels like they are checking a box off. No thank you. |
Anonymous
I would be bothered by my MIL being helped by us financially and otherwise and then turning around to live with her daughter to take care of my niece/nephew after not finding a way to help us out more during a medical crisis. I'm not saying my reaction is fair, but it is how I'd feel. |
Anonymous
|
This isn't really helpful, but I can see this happening with my brother and SIL too. I am fairly certain that SIL is a narcissist and it's very hard to get any clarity about anything because she is constantly controlling and manipulating him with lies, half-truths, and petty reasons to take offense. She actively goes looking for problems and fights so that she has an excuse. She is constantly gaslighting him (and others), making them doubt themselves. I see him becoming isolated from us, blaming himself for anything that upsets her, slowly becoming more passive and degraded, until he hates himself and his life, but feels like everything is his fault and she is a saint. I see it happening, and I can't stop it. He even has caught her in multiple lies and very clear attempts at destroying his relationship with family members, and yet there's always an excuse and justification.
He's a victim of a form of mental abuse and I have no idea how to stop it. |
Anonymous
| When you have reached out in the past was it generally directly to your brother? It sounds like your SIL thinks you have cut THEM off rather than the other way around. Maybe she wasn't aware that you have contacted your brother. |
Anonymous
|
15:13 again. I just wanted to add that all the things that you are saying, her not being in touch, actively ignoring people, then suddenly accusing others of not being touched or in the know, etc, that's exactly how my SIL is and part of her gaslighting and "I'm such a victim" behavior.
I am certain mine is a narcissist and I wouldn't be surprised if yours is too. It's kind of a relief to come to that realization because it makes me accept that things are not going to be okay and that there is nothing that I could have done or can do now to fix things. But it is very sad too for those same reasons. |
Anonymous
|
It sounds like you may be the favored child, which is something the favored child is often unable to see. For the less-favored child, it can be very painful to be part of a family where things are constantly happening to remind them of their disfavored status.
Also, your kids can have a relationship without exchanging gifts. Accept her offer to do away with gifts, but acknowledge your hope that you'll find ways to help the cousins get to know each other. Perhaps you could offer to visit them some time? That would give the kids a chance to know each other and your families a chance to connect without your parents there to influence the dynamic (if there is in fact a favoritism thing going on). |
Anonymous
This. Also, with things like your pregnancy, do you email them and tell them you're pregnant, or do you call and say, "Hey it's me, call me back so we can catch up." If it's the latter, it can feel a bit like you're playing games, withholding the information as punishment for not calling them back instead of simply sharing your news. You know they're not great about responding, so if you want them to know something, you need to tell them directly. |
Anonymous
|
In your situation, I would accept the offer to stop exchanging gifts but ask to set up a visit for the cousins to spend some time together. If she responds positively to that, you can raise the communication issue in person - you've tried to keep in touch but something isn't working. What's the best way to reach SIL? How often would she like to chat with you, have the kids Skype, visit each other on holidays? Without assigning blame just say you'd like to improve things going forward - what's the best way to do that? And hear her out.
My younger siblings have not spoken to me for long periods of time and then out of the blue announce they're visiting after years of not speaking to me. It's weird, uncomfortable, and at times hurtful, but I try to not write them off just because they wrote me off. Just because they have beef with me doesn't mean I have to have it back. |
Anonymous
Yeah, plus one with this. My MIL moved close to us but then did not help very much when I had complications with my second pregnancy. It really made me look at her in a whole new light. She always talked about wanting to do the "fun" things about being a grandma, and I guess that means not doing anything out of obligation. |
Anonymous
|
OP, pay attention to your SIL every 6 months.
Then ties are not cut. Bet you write more on DCUM then you communicate with her. |
Anonymous
|
Yup. My husbands mom is middle eastern and its all about
Her first born son. I married son number two and have been so nice to my mil but she still favors his brother. I think it bothers me more than it does my husband Because i notice it more. Favoritism poisons family relationships. |