Holiday issue- older generation does not accept gay relative

[Anonymous]

What if it's true that their lifestyle causes them to end up in Hell? If that turns out to be true... Who's the good ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if it's true that their lifestyle causes them to end up in Hell? If that turns out to be true... Who's the good ones?

Then the couple will end up in Hell together, and the grandparents in the situation might too. None of us know how they've really lived their lives.

ANYWAY.

OP I hope your family will still enjoy the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you all continue to invite whomever you want, and people can choose for themselves whether or not to attend. To skip out on the holidays with your cousin solely to indulge the bigotry of your parents is essentially condoning that bigotry, and it doesn't sound like that squares with your values system. I would see my parents on other occasions, but make the holidays about inclusion rather than exclusion. As your children get older and start asking, you give them age-appropriate answers (which usually means giving them the most basic answer that's responsive, and then seeing if they ask for more details). Eventually you'll probably have to tell them the truth about why your parents don't come to the holidays, and that will probably be a sad moment, but I also suspect they'll already have a little bit of an inkling of your parents' intolerance at that point. You'll be able to stand up as a good role model for them of tolerance and inclusion.

THIS!!! Well said. Why try to push anyone to come who is going to be intolerant of homosexuality. Go where you want to be. They don't have to accept a gay member of the family, but they do have to accept the fact if they can't be tolerant and inclusive, their holidays are going to change.

Also, I would not make a big deal to the kids. As someone else mentioned you just say "aunt blah blah and grandma and grandpa can't make it this year." DONE. By the time they are old enough to understand your family may be more tolerant. If they are not, their loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a really challenging situation because it is forcing you to choose between two values that are really important to you: acceptance of people generally and specifically of a cousin whom you care about AND spending the holidays with grandparents/older generation. The thing is, you aren't the one making the choice. You and your cousins are generously inviting everyone, and some people are choosing not to come. There's nothing you can do and that's hard to accept. Try to remember that you aren't excluding anyone. You are inviting all the people who are important to your family and setting a generous and accepting example for your children (and nieces and nephews) of inviting all family members. Your parents and aunt and uncle are excluding themselves. They are making the decision to deprive themselves of a holiday with their children, grandchildren, nieces, and nephews in order to make a point. It is sad for all of you that you can't all be together. But there is nothing you can do.

This. I would be sad to find that my parents were such bigots. But I would make it clear that they were 100 percent welcome and we really wanted to see them, and that it was totally their choice to exclude themselves. Your kids don't get to see your parents on the holidays because your parents have chosen being bigoted over seeing their grandchildren on the holidays.

FWIW, can you offer to drive your parents to the Thanksgiving celebration, even if it means your family takes two cars or two trips? Just on the off chance that they aren't making excuses but are just get old and weird about driving?

Not accepting the gay lifestyle does not make the OP's parent's and aunt and uncle bigots. They are older and may feel that way for religious reasons, etc.

It is unfortunate that because the OP has taken a stand for her cousin's lifestyle, that her parents were "indirectly excluded" and now the grandchildren's relationship with their grandparents will suffer. The OP could compromise and take turns spending the holidays with her parents and cousins separately like many families do when they have to split holiday visits between divorced parents, etc.

You have offered the reasons they are bigots, not an argument that they are not bigots.

My objective was not to debate bigotry. That is the problem here. Perceived bigotry becomes a soapbox at the expense of family relationships.

It's not perceived bigotry. It is real bigotry. "noun, plural bigotries.
1.
stubborn and complete intolerance of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own.
2.
the actions, beliefs, prejudices, etc., of a bigot."

[Anonymous]

OP,

I gather this homosexual avoidance is not openly canvassed in your family, and that is really the problem here, because it allows prejudiced family members to save face year after year, and also ruins it for this couple when the Holidays are hosted by older family members who deliberately exclude the couple in question.
If your generation does not take the lead in pointedly laying bare the older generation's motives, instead of letting them get away with ridiculous excuses, you are enabling them in a way.
Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why you wouldn't want to open Pandora's box, but... it's still enabling.

These people probably feel all noble about their sacrifice of not coming to the family gathering, so you could puncture that with a little well-placed sardonic humor. "Oh really Dad, you can't drive at night? You don't know the way? Oh well, I guess your intolerance for homosexuality comes before seeing your grandchildren on a major Holiday. Your loss."

[Anonymous]

OP- I am sorry you and your cousins are having to deal with this. I think some good solutions have been offered, mainly go to your family celebration and if the older generation opts out, that is on them. At the same time, I would be careful to not let the older generation ruin your holiday from a distance, for example, don't spend your thanksgiving talking about their negativity, and bigotry. Instead reflect on the positive and have fun.

Attending/hosting welcoming holiday celebrations (whether its thanksgiving, Christmas, etc) is a great gift to your kids. You want them to grow up knowing that their friends and significant others, straight or gay, will always be welcome and that bigotry will never be welcome at the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I am sorry you and your cousins are having to deal with this. I think some good solutions have been offered, mainly go to your family celebration and if the older generation opts out, that is on them. At the same time, I would be careful to not let the older generation ruin your holiday from a distance, for example, don't spend your thanksgiving talking about their negativity, and bigotry. Instead reflect on the positive and have fun.

Attending/hosting welcoming holiday celebrations (whether its thanksgiving, Christmas, etc) is a great gift to your kids. You want them to grow up knowing that their friends and significant others, straight or gay, will always be welcome and that bigotry will never be welcome at the table.

What a wonderful piece of advice - Bravo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin came out years ago (probably 8+ years) and his parents refuse to accept it. They are all evangelical Christian (as well as an ethnic minority that does not accept homosexuality). I am very close to this cousin-- he is like a brother to me. All the cousins (obviously) accept him but the older generation has not. He got married 4 years ago to a wonderful man and obviously they want to do holidays together and with our family. The first time we had the family gathering at another cousin's home--so the gay cousin and husband came--the cousin's parents and my parents refused to come. Of course, they don't come out and say they aren't coming for this reason-- they come up with the worst lies to say they can't come. This was a few years ago. Since then, my cousin's husband has felt like he doesn't want to come to family events because it keeps my cousin from seeing his family (and by extension keeps his parents from attending, etc). Also, the family events have been held at an older relatives home-- so the truth is that the husband isn't welcome. Yes, this is all ridiculous and hateful.

So, this year, we have tried again with Thanksgiving. A different cousin is hosting and at the eleventh hour my parents have tried to change the location to their home for the most specious of reasons. Now, they've decided they won't attend (because my father doesn't want to drive at night) and my aunt and uncle aren't going to attend either. I do not know how to deal with this. It's ridiculous enough that these people would rather sit in their homes on Thanksgiving or Christmas rather than see the rest of the family (probably 6-8 adult cousins and a bunch of kids). Yes it is their choice. But now my kids don't get to have Thanksgiving with their own grandparents? And I have no clue how to deal with this impasse.

Help?

I wouldn't say or do anything to indulge them. I would only say to them that I hope the real reason is not the cousin's presence. But, if that is the case, then we will miss you. Make clear that he will not be excluded in the future and that if you want to be around family for major events, they are going to have to learn to be in his presence and conduct themselves civilly. Then I would proceed to invite my cousin to whatever event I see fit. At that point, it is up to them to choose sanctimonious solitude or to act like grown-ups.