Holiday issue- older generation does not accept gay relative
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Anonymous
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My cousin came out years ago (probably 8+ years) and his parents refuse to accept it. They are all evangelical Christian (as well as an ethnic minority that does not accept homosexuality). I am very close to this cousin-- he is like a brother to me. All the cousins (obviously) accept him but the older generation has not. He got married 4 years ago to a wonderful man and obviously they want to do holidays together and with our family. The first time we had the family gathering at another cousin's home--so the gay cousin and husband came--the cousin's parents and my parents refused to come. Of course, they don't come out and say they aren't coming for this reason-- they come up with the worst lies to say they can't come. This was a few years ago. Since then, my cousin's husband has felt like he doesn't want to come to family events because it keeps my cousin from seeing his family (and by extension keeps his parents from attending, etc). Also, the family events have been held at an older relatives home-- so the truth is that the husband isn't welcome. Yes, this is all ridiculous and hateful.
So, this year, we have tried again with Thanksgiving. A different cousin is hosting and at the eleventh hour my parents have tried to change the location to their home for the most specious of reasons. Now, they've decided they won't attend (because my father doesn't want to drive at night) and my aunt and uncle aren't going to attend either. I do not know how to deal with this. It's ridiculous enough that these people would rather sit in their homes on Thanksgiving or Christmas rather than see the rest of the family (probably 6-8 adult cousins and a bunch of kids). Yes it is their choice. But now my kids don't get to have Thanksgiving with their own grandparents? And I have no clue how to deal with this impasse. Help? |
Anonymous
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There isn't a lot you can do to change other people's behavior. They have to make their own choices. You, too, must make your choices. If it were me, I would stick with the original plan, go to the cousin's house, and talk to your kids (if they are old enough) about why there is a rift in your family. It is important that they understand (again, if they are old enough) that the gay cousin and his spouse are not the ones that are causing the problem. It is your parents and your aunt and uncle who are not being generous and thoughtful. They are choosing to miss an important family event and that is sad for them, but it is their choice and their doing.
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Anonymous
| Can you offer to drive your dad at night? Or pay for hotel? That's a very valid reason for an old person. |
Anonymous
They can stay overnight at the hosting cousin's home...(we are from a culture where we cram people into homes all the time). This is NOT a legit reason. They claim this is a "new area" they haven't driven in before. This is another bad excuse. The cousins live 3 blocks from a major bridge in the NYC area and my parents have driven home from this bridge 10000000x times. |
Anonymous
| I would drop my parents in a hot second for being such bigots. |
Anonymous
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I would deal with it by continuing to invite my cousin and his husband and invite everyone else and whomever wants to come shall come. If they don't want to come, then they don't come.
You are setting an example of acceptance and understanding to your children, and standing up to stubbornness and stupidity. They will get it when they're older. Stay strong. |
Anonymous
Easy to say when it isn't your parents |
Anonymous
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You can't force gay acceptance on your parents and aunt and uncle. They have made this crystal clear. Family celebrations will have to be planned without their attendance. |
Anonymous
| OP here- my kids are too young to get it. One is a baby (less than 1 year old) and the other is 4. I have focused on "normalizing" same-sex relationships (he doesn't think there's anything notable about having Uncle Joe and Uncle Bob) and I think it's too much to tell a 4 year old that there are people who don't accept them...like his grandparents. |
Anonymous
| I think this is a really challenging situation because it is forcing you to choose between two values that are really important to you: acceptance of people generally and specifically of a cousin whom you care about AND spending the holidays with grandparents/older generation. The thing is, you aren't the one making the choice. You and your cousins are generously inviting everyone, and some people are choosing not to come. There's nothing you can do and that's hard to accept. Try to remember that you aren't excluding anyone. You are inviting all the people who are important to your family and setting a generous and accepting example for your children (and nieces and nephews) of inviting all family members. Your parents and aunt and uncle are excluding themselves. They are making the decision to deprive themselves of a holiday with their children, grandchildren, nieces, and nephews in order to make a point. It is sad for all of you that you can't all be together. But there is nothing you can do. |
Anonymous
PP here. I agree that at this age there is no reason to try to explain what is going on to your son. That being said, you can answer his question when he asks, why aren't grandma and grandpa at Thanksgiving honestly and say something like "They were invited, but they weren't able to make it. We will see them soon and we can call them later to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving." I would also be straight with your parents and say that you are wiling to help them with any logistical problems they have attending family events, but you will not tolerate their efforts to disrupt the holiday plans of other family members because they are not comfortable with cousin X. Tell them you respect their right to make their own decisions, but that the consequence of that decision is that they will be alone on holidays. Tell them this makes you sad but that you simple disagree with them and must do what you think is right. A year or two of sitting home alone on every holiday and they will likely change their tune. |
Anonymous
| I think you all continue to invite whomever you want, and people can choose for themselves whether or not to attend. To skip out on the holidays with your cousin solely to indulge the bigotry of your parents is essentially condoning that bigotry, and it doesn't sound like that squares with your values system. I would see my parents on other occasions, but make the holidays about inclusion rather than exclusion. As your children get older and start asking, you give them age-appropriate answers (which usually means giving them the most basic answer that's responsive, and then seeing if they ask for more details). Eventually you'll probably have to tell them the truth about why your parents don't come to the holidays, and that will probably be a sad moment, but I also suspect they'll already have a little bit of an inkling of your parents' intolerance at that point. You'll be able to stand up as a good role model for them of tolerance and inclusion. |
Anonymous
| I would just make sure they understand that their excuses are flimsy. Just point out exactly what you've told us. I think it's fine to say, "I will tell everyone that you're not comfortable driving here but you well know they'll see right through that reason. It's painfully obvious that you will not be where Bob is and we are all aware of it. Of course it's your choice but it makes me sad that you're willing to miss a holiday with your grandkids because of it." |
Anonymous
I would do this, too. "Someone could drive you, or you could stay over. However, we know that won't solve the real problem. It makes me sad that you've chosen not to spend the time with family.. but it is your decision. Enjoy your Thanksgiving." |
Anonymous
| How about you let all this old f**kers spend the holidays alone. |