Reply to Holiday issue- older generation does not accept gay relative

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My cousin came out years ago (probably 8+ years) and his parents refuse to accept it.  They are all evangelical Christian (as well as an ethnic minority that does not accept homosexuality).  I am very close to this cousin-- he is like a brother to me.  All the cousins (obviously) accept him but the older generation has not.  He  got married 4 years ago to a wonderful man and obviously they want to do holidays together and with our family.  The first time we had the family gathering at another cousin's home--so the gay cousin and husband came--the cousin's parents and my parents refused to come.  Of course, they don't come out and say they aren't coming for this reason-- they come up with the worst lies to say they can't come.  This was a few years ago.  Since then, my cousin's husband has felt like he doesn't want to come to family events because it keeps my cousin from seeing his family (and by extension keeps his parents from attending, etc).   Also, the family events have been held at an older relatives home-- so the truth is that the husband isn't welcome.  Yes, this is all ridiculous and hateful.

So, this year, we have tried again with Thanksgiving.  A different cousin is hosting and at the eleventh hour my parents have tried to change the location to their home for the most specious of reasons.  Now, they've decided they won't attend (because my father doesn't want to drive at night) and my aunt and uncle aren't going to attend either. I do not know how to deal with this.  It's ridiculous enough that these people would rather sit in their homes on Thanksgiving or Christmas rather than see the rest of the family (probably 6-8 adult cousins and a bunch of kids).  Yes it is their choice. But now my kids don't get to have Thanksgiving with their own grandparents? And I have no clue how to deal with this impasse.

Help? [/quote]

I wouldn't say or do anything to indulge them.  I would only say to them that I hope the real reason is not the cousin's presence.  But, if that is the case, then we will miss you.  Make clear that he will not be excluded in the future and that if you want to be around family for major events, they are going to have to learn to be in his presence and conduct themselves civilly.  Then I would proceed to invite my cousin to whatever event I see fit. At that point, it is up to them to choose sanctimonious solitude or to act like grown-ups.[/quote]

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