Jaded about friends

[Anonymous]

Also I don't think you're necessarily "asking a lot" from your friends. But I do think you're actively misreading their actions and taking things personally that have little to do with you.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry that you feel that way + have had such bad experiences.

The nice thing about family is that their love is truly unconditional, where a friendship can go as easily as it comes.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post op. It seems like I'm always getting screwed over. You aren't alone op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of eventually being betrayed in some form or another by many close friends, sometimes best friends, I've learned that my only true friends are my mother and my DH and my brother. I'll always have good friends who I can laugh with, get career advice from or go on holiday with, but I can't trust anyone else in the world outside my family.

Ditto. You are not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of eventually being betrayed in some form or another by many close friends, sometimes best friends, I've learned that my only true friends are my mother and my DH and my brother. I'll always have good friends who I can laugh with, get career advice from or go on holiday with, but I can't trust anyone else in the world outside my family.

OMG 10 years ago I was in your situation, OP. I hear you. Here is the ticket: you may be a good friend, but you also have to know how to pick good friends.

First, don't confuse friends and acquaintances.

Second, you will never know who is a good friend as long as everything's going great. You have to give it time. Over time, two things will happen that will help you distinguish your true friends from your "fair weather friends."

The first is that something good will happen to you. When this happens, look around. Who is happy for you and who is jealous of you, and who is hanging on because you're the "it" person to be with?

The second is something bad will happen to you. Who is there to help you, who is smirky (shadenfreude) and who has suddenly disappeared?

The interesting thing about this for me, OP, was beforehand, I thought I could predict who could fall where, but as time passed, I saw that I was not totally accurate. This led to one very pleasant surprise, and one bummer surprise. The good thing is that you start to figure out with whom to invest your energy.

Good luck, OP! Good people are everywhere!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean close friends who genuinely like me, but don't have my best interests at heart at times when I really need them to (like refusing to point out how terrible a boyfriend is even though they saw things that I didn't); who are secretly competitive; who sometimes ignore me when things in their life are going great and my life isn't; who judge my choices.

Of course, I have very low self-esteem even though I appear confident, so who knows if I attract these kinds of people. Maybe I'm just like them too.

I'm just sad.

It's not fair to complain in the same breath about friends who judge your choices and friends who don't tell you when you are making the wrong choice (the terrible BF). Some people want their friends to support their choices unconditionally, some want honest advice. Expecting your friends to know when you want one and when you want the other is a bit hard on them.

[Anonymous]

Your friends aren't going to place you first all the time. Their husband, mother, sister, etc are going to rank above you. It is normal for a person not to answer your call one evening and instead watch a movie with their husband. It is not betrayal. You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I put SO MUCH effort into helping my friends out that I think it's not asking too much to be given the same. I've helped them with jobs, counseled them on their relationship problems, given up sleep repeatedly for them. I place them first but I get placed second, third, or fourth.

Maybe you're trying too hard to feel accepted and needed. When they need you, it's awesome that you've stepped up. Do you NEED them? If so, do they know that?

Your idea of friendship sounds really exhausting. Why does it have to involve sleep deprivation?

[Anonymous]

OP,

If you can't find friends that make you reasonably happy and that you are ready to forgive occasionally, then the issue lies with you.

No one is perfect. Just because you made all these sacrifices for them it doesn't mean they have to drop everything to come to your help when you need it. They have lives too, so they will make an effort to help as much as they can - which sometimes may not come up to your expectations.

You sound very immature. Time to grow up.

[Anonymous]

I get what everyone is saying- but it's also possible that OP has crappy friends. I agree that we cannot be in the business of 'putting people first' or wanting others to do the same. However- they may suck.
For me- post baby I traded out tons of friends. They are not bad folks, but I realized that our 'friendships' were blah, our characters were not aligned (one in particular stole shit from her nanny family ect.), or just were blah. As we get older the demands on our time get more intense and we have to cut them off.
To the OP don't be jaded. Your 'friends' worked in your life for a minute now they don't. Life is great!

[Anonymous]

Thank you, 5:52 from Nov 2nd. I'm the OP and I'm more jaded than ever. I've been emotionally let down today by a best friend who I did EVERYTHING for, who chose to criticize me and ignore my current problems to boast about her new boyfriend.

And I know my reaction isn't "immature", thank you - I just have enough self respect to know that friendship is about equality, positivity, and mutual support. I've also witnessed several other friends making the exact same complaints about this best friend, but that doesn't make the hurt dull at all.

But thank you, PP from Nov 2nd (and the others as well), I am trying not to let this shake my confidence in people.