Jaded about friends

[Anonymous]

After years of eventually being betrayed in some form or another by many close friends, sometimes best friends, I've learned that my only true friends are my mother and my DH and my brother. I'll always have good friends who I can laugh with, get career advice from or go on holiday with, but I can't trust anyone else in the world outside my family.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by "betrayed"?

[Anonymous]

I mean close friends who genuinely like me, but don't have my best interests at heart at times when I really need them to (like refusing to point out how terrible a boyfriend is even though they saw things that I didn't); who are secretly competitive; who sometimes ignore me when things in their life are going great and my life isn't; who judge my choices.

Of course, I have very low self-esteem even though I appear confident, so who knows if I attract these kinds of people. Maybe I'm just like them too.

I'm just sad.

[Anonymous]

Um, that shit isn't their responsibility. I suggest therapy and a cat but you'll probably just get mad at the cat.

[Anonymous]

20:08 here. I think you're expecting to be the center of their attention unfairly. You expect them to read your mind or just know things. And expect them to be perfect.

The above is not betrayal. People we are close to are going to annoy us. Most people are a bit competitive, though how they handle those feelings is really what matters.

Do these people want to be in your life? Have they reached out to you despite disagreements etc? Have you accepted them? Or have you been unforgiving? Are there too many rules involved in being your friend?

[Anonymous]

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Well I put SO MUCH effort into helping my friends out that I think it's not asking too much to be given the same. I've helped them with jobs, counseled them on their relationship problems, given up sleep repeatedly for them. I place them first but I get placed second, third, or fourth.

[Anonymous]

Agree that the things you listed are not betrayals. Your expectations are unrealistic.

I have best friends who I love and who love me like family. They might judge some of my choices, and they might ignore me sometimes. We forgive each other because we're all human, we love each other, and we try our best. We don't have to agree all the time and sometimes we make mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I put SO MUCH effort into helping my friends out that I think it's not asking too much to be given the same. I've helped them with jobs, counseled them on their relationship problems, given up sleep repeatedly for them. I place them first but I get placed second, third, or fourth.

It's not them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I put SO MUCH effort into helping my friends out that I think it's not asking too much to be given the same. I've helped them with jobs, counseled them on their relationship problems, given up sleep repeatedly for them. I place them first but I get placed second, third, or fourth.

Maybe you're trying too hard to feel accepted and needed. When they need you, it's awesome that you've stepped up. Do you NEED them? If so, do they know that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that the things you listed are not betrayals. Your expectations are unrealistic.

I have best friends who I love and who love me like family. They might judge some of my choices, and they might ignore me sometimes. We forgive each other because we're all human, we love each other, and we try our best. We don't have to agree all the time and sometimes we make mistakes.

Agreed. I know for a fact some of my best friends haven't agreed with some things I've done. One of my best friends has come in and out of my life on different occasions due to life circumstances. It's fine you put your friends first, but that isn't realistic for a lot of people. You sound a bit needy and like a score keeper. Most people can't put up with that behavior for a long time. I used to have a friend like you and I could tell you why we are no longer friends, but I suspect you wouldn't really want to listen.

[Anonymous]

Op - you can share, I'll listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - you can share, I'll listen.

I mean I'm the op and talking to the poster above me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that the things you listed are not betrayals. Your expectations are unrealistic.

I have best friends who I love and who love me like family. They might judge some of my choices, and they might ignore me sometimes. We forgive each other because we're all human, we love each other, and we try our best. We don't have to agree all the time and sometimes we make mistakes.

Agreed. I know for a fact some of my best friends haven't agreed with some things I've done. One of my best friends has come in and out of my life on different occasions due to life circumstances. It's fine you put your friends first, but that isn't realistic for a lot of people. You sound a bit needy and like a score keeper. Most people can't put up with that behavior for a long time. I used to have a friend like you and I could tell you why we are no longer friends, but I suspect you wouldn't really want to listen.

NP here. I'll listen too. Tell us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I put SO MUCH effort into helping my friends out that I think it's not asking too much to be given the same. I've helped them with jobs, counseled them on their relationship problems, given up sleep repeatedly for them. I place them first but I get placed second, third, or fourth.

I'm assuming this is the OP -- but even if it isn't -- OP -- have you ever TOLD your friends you need help? Did you ever tell them you needed an opinion on your boyfriend OR that times were hard for you and you needed to meet up and chat? If you did that and they ignored you, that is different from you having scenarios in your mind when your friends SHOULD have stepped in and then being disappointed when they didn't read your mind. Some people make it a point not to opine on someone else's relationship or life unless asked.

And while DCUM isn't always a great place for friend advice, I've hung on to one piece of advice I received here recently -- people won't always reciprocate friendship how and when you want them to. You have to decide if the manner in which they reciprocate is enough for you. If it is, hold on to the friendship. If it isn't, let it go.