blah dinner party - not sure if i could have done anything differently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been in similar situations and think I know how you feel, but after reading these details, trust me when I say you are being WAY too hard on yourself. You are confusing a work dinner event, and the tone that will inevitably take, with a friends event, which is a real social event.

No matter how much you guys like each other, no matter how much everyone loves boss, job and company, the dinner you had last night was work. It was Mandatory Fun. Everyone Must Be There. Totally different expectation as compared to a dinner party that you have for your friends, people of your own choosing, who are there because they want to be.

Relax. You are judging the dinner by unrealistic standards. If you told us that a dinner party you had for your neighborhood gang turned out this way, there may be reason to be concerned.

An BTW, you do not "owe" this group a brunch in the spring to make up for anything. They would just view that as another obligation.

+1

I agree. And OP, while you were generous and kind to host, ultimately, this was a WORK obligation.

FWIW, I hate work dinners. I hate work socializing. I hate all of it, no matter how well-done. I'd rather be at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I really like my coworkers for the 45ish hours a week I am paid to spend with them. But, Force me into a play date on a Tuesday night with them, at someone's house to boot, I'm going to be much less than my normal and gregarious self. I could think of about 86 places I would rather be, and root canal would be right up there.

I know team building is important, but doing it at someone's house in dinner party format is not going to fly with most people, who would probably rather be at their own home eating dinner. Dinner events like this are better spent on more neutral territory - eg. restaurant. Our team events usually center around sporting events - eg. We get a box at a baseball or hockey game, or do something ridiculous like go play paintball. It gives people something to DO, which releases the tension, and doesn't remind people that they would rather be at home. They do tend to be a lot of fun, even though our team is a bunch of really mixed demographic.

It sounds like you did the best your could with a situation that really isn't ideal from the start. Your menu sounds lovely, and it sounds like you were as gracious as could be expected.

+1M

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about a dark chocolate tasting? It could be a topic conversation. Buy some bars from around the world.

This is a great idea... please include non-dark chocolate (milk and maybe even white chocolate).

[Anonymous]

Activity food, like fondue (kitschy but who doesn't like bread and cheese?!) or humorous wine charms?

It's up to the guests to make the conversation flow. If there's anyone you can count on to be lively, include them next time even if it's not necessarily a good fit in terms of the organization (meaning not the subordinate-superior chain you're fostering). Tuesdays are rough. Try for Thursday next time, and ply the drinks.

[Anonymous]

Avoid unusual (ethnic) food for starters. People already don't want to be ther, but then when they have to navigate unusual food, it's just that much harder to be jazzed about being there. Maybe that's just me. I'd be thinking how much of this do I have to pretend to eat and enjoy before I can stop eating. Where's the water so I can wash it down. How long do I have to stay before I can politely leave. How do I make a graceful early exit. I hate functions like this.

[Anonymous]

OP, honestly I think it has almost nothing to do with your hosting or menu. It is the forced socialization with work colleagues outside of work hours. Next time, have take out delivered to the office or an offsite location during working hours - maybe some sort of fun team building exercise. They can't say no to a mandatory evening but all of them were itching to be off the clock.

[Anonymous]

You didn't mention anything about music, or tequila. Next time, have a frozen slushy margarita machine.

Seriously, though, I'm with the PP who'd rather be enjoying dental work than spending an evening with the boss and a bunch of STEM workers, trying to "bond." Urgh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1.) it was a WORK dinner
2.) it was a weeknight

Its not meant to be a jolly good time. You did our hosting dinner and be happy with yourself! Honestly its fine!

pp here: this was suppose to be "you did your hosting duty"

Totally agree. Newbies probably don't want to drink too much in front of bosses. Maybe this group isn't that gregarious. It has nothing to do with you. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much alcohol was at the first dinner? How about at yours?

essentially the same. 4-5 bottles of wine and beer at both.

Approximately 1.3 glasses of wine per person? That seems very low. I bet you don't know the real amount at the first party. I would start with a round of cocktails.

Well, people had to drive home afterwards in the rain, and the boss was there. People wanted to eat and go home.

I admire the sentiment behind it, but the whole thing just sounds stupid (not your part, OP, but the Mandatory-Weeknight-Dinner-No-Spouses-At-a-Co-worker's-House thing)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it a STEM crowd?

yes

funny. I work in STEM and planned the Xmas party for years. You literally have to find a way for them to talk. This is NOT your fault. This is not a socially normal group of people. I am STEM and I even have some social anxieties.

Start your party 30 minutes earlier (with only a 3 close work friends) so the rest of the people walk into a party that has already started.

We have gatherings at bowling or a place we can play pool... so they are forced to talk. They also don't want "fancy" food ... which is why they loved the spaghetti but they are open to eating anything, they are very diverse.

I have hired a person to do card tricks or something like that.

We will give leave to see the newest movie like Xman or Matrix ... and then have the party that evening ... oh ... they will not stop talking about the special effects, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Avoid unusual (ethnic) food for starters. People already don't want to be ther, but then when they have to navigate unusual food, it's just that much harder to be jazzed about being there. Maybe that's just me. I'd be thinking how much of this do I have to pretend to eat and enjoy before I can stop eating. Where's the water so I can wash it down. How long do I have to stay before I can politely leave. How do I make a graceful early exit. I hate functions like this.

Ignore this advice - nothing wrong with ethnic food.

Kick off with cocktails though and it is all good.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it had nothing to do with you or the specifics of your party, OP. I would really resent forced socialization at the end of the work day, and I would be watching the clock and be ready to bolt at the first opportunity!

[Anonymous]

Just bring alchohol into the office and order a jersey mikes catering box. Invite strippers.

[Anonymous]

During work hours^^^ anyone can leave at closing .

[Anonymous]

This might be silly, but with a STEM crowd why not have a short game that makes them do something?

I teach a basic design course and one of the early activities I have students do is I break them into small groups, give each group a box of bendy drinking straws, and tell them they have 15 minutes to build the tallest structure they can using only the straws and the box, with no modifications to either beyond tearing or bending or folding. They could even do it while sitting at the table. I would think a STEM crowd might like this. Or am I just a big nerd?