Rude kids
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Anonymous
See, I would disagree. You're just difficult. |
Anonymous
Why am I difficult? Because I have a different life view than yours? Because I disagree with you? |
Anonymous
You don't let go? Weird. |
Anonymous
This annoys me, I have a friend who corrects my child according to HER rules, but not mine. I've told her several times her ways are not how I parents, but she still keeps correcting my child. |
Anonymous
NP. Your're both right, IMO. Obviously backtalk and bad attitude are rude, but so are many behaviors the OP's child is described as exhibiting. Ignoring someone who is speaking to you is usually rude. So is making faces, giving the stink eye or rolling your eyes. So is not using please and thank you. In American culture so is not making an effort to make appropriate eye contact. I have a child with social anxiety and a neurological disorder that impacts her vision such that she has serious difficulties with eye contact and recognizing faces. I know it can be challenging for a lot of people to learn these pieces of what is socially expected/accepted as polite behavior. But just because it is a challenge to master appropriate social behavior does not mean that failing to make a good faith attempt to do so is not perceived as rude. It might not even be intentional rudeness on the child's part, but frankly that does not matter. We all have to do things that are hard for us, and even a child who finds social interactions challenging, draining, or frightening needs to master the basics to the fullest extent possible. OP's child is still young, and she behaves politely at home. So clearly the girl is making an effort to behave well and she is being raised by a caring parent who thinks manners and social skills are important. She just might just need some more coaching. I would work with her on role-playing, at a minimum. Some other ideas for how to address.... Possibly decrease the amount of socializing she does without me or another adult she is very comfortable with also being present to guide her interactions. If you think it's more defiance or forgetfulness than anxiety, and you're close to the parents of the girls she was socializing with, I would consider explicitly granting them permission to call her on slip-ups. Books about social skills and manners? Cotillion type classes for confidence? If none of the above, including the role playing and adult supervision is working, I would consider the somewhat drastic step of going beyond role playing and actually scripting a few of the most commonly required polite interactions for her. Alternatively if you think this is defiance of rules she knows and is capable of following and not anxiety or lack of understanding social requirements, I would see denying her permission for subsequent outings with these same friends/parents as a possible logical consequence for rudeness. |
Anonymous
+1 If she ever wants to work anywhere but McDonald's! |
Anonymous
| I love the people making excuses, they must have the rude kids. OP if at ten, with no developmental delays, your kid is eye-rolling and not saying please and thank you, that's rude. even if she's shy. She's not 3! Please and thank you and if it gets back to you she isn't, consequences. Also good to talk to her beforehand and see what she's thinking. |
Anonymous
But it seems to me that the poster you quoted is on the same page as her friends and they're all comfortable with the correction that's going on with the kids. I'm not that poster, but my circle of family and closest friends is very similar in that we are all very close to each other's kids and take a familial interest in helping to guide them -- heck, the kids grew up calling us all auntie/uncle firstname and I'm even mama firstname for my best friend's kids. We've actually explicitly discussed whether or not we were OK with this type of mutual correction of each other's kids and it turns out that we were all pretty much on the same page. If I know that a relative or close friend not only is OK with but actually wants for me to correct her child's behavior as the supervising adult I am comfortable doing so. Of course, I would never do so with any kids who are more casual friends or any kids whose parents I didn't specifically know in advance would want me to do so. That would be inappropriate and over the line. 2nd PP, I agree with you that your friend needs to cut it out if you've told her you don't appreciate what she's doing. On the other hand, for many things, I believe in "host parent's house, host parent's rules". |
Anonymous
Seriously - when I saw a PPs comment to the effect that this is typical preteenism, I was thinking maybe in reverse - ignore their own parents but have at least a baseline courtesy for other adults. |
Anonymous
| This sounds exactly like my DS who has Aspegers. I'm not saying that's the issue but you might talk to your pediatrician to see if there are any other red flafs |
Anonymous
It is actually not. Thank you for your kind suggestion. OP here. My concern is that it is a cognizant effort by her, pointed out to me by people we have known a long time. |
Anonymous
Is that you OP? See, maybe she's getting some of it from your own cultural background? Sounds like she is shy and awkard and needs to be coached. That's all. There are books on social skills for teens. Tell her that you will coach her and if she still doesn't improve you will start going through those books with her. Or maybe start out that way with the books--it will give you a guide to coach her. You need to cue her on the perspective of the adults. I know there are Social Thinking books for teens with special needs that involve social skills but I don't know if they would fit with your daughter, e.g. Socially Curious and Curiously Social. Much of it is about social skills with peers but I believe there are sections about social graces in general, job interviews, interactions with teachers (how are they?), etc. I'm sure there are manners books for typically developing kids as well. |
Anonymous
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I had a meeting with my kids before the school year started and identified speaking politey to adults as one of the "goals" for the year for one of my kids. I would try a non-punitive form of reinforcement for her. Be clear about what you expect, and then catch her doing it properly and reward a marbel or paper ticket that can be accumulated for some minor treat (frozen yogart etc.). She needs to understand that this is important and that it matters.
My kids also know that two kids (brother and sister) that I drive home never thank me when I drop them off and we jokingly say "YOU'RE WELCOME" after they leave. I've made the point to them that parents do pass judgment on kids based on this behavior and it will impact their impression of you. You don't have to like talking to adults, but you have to doe it politely anyway. |
Anonymous
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OP, I do think being shy and awkward can be confused woth being rude. My DS has mild social anxiety and responds to it by saying inappropriate things, not making eye contact, and generally acting immature and rude.
I would gently talk with your daughter. Role play helps my son - we pretend a situation and then switch roles. We start by doing it the "wrong way" then we do it the right way. It gives him the opportunity to be on the receiving end of some unpleasant behavior and to see how the positive reaction he gets when he uses good social skills. |
Anonymous
| How much have you worked on it, OP? Practiced, role played, rewarded for good behavior, etc? My son has social anxiety and ADHD and he is like your daughter some of the time, but most of the time he gives his pleases and tank yous and good byes--but only because we have rehearsed it to death. I think if I hadn't been emphasizing this for the last nine years of his life, he'd be "rude" every time. The way I see it, if it takes 20 or 30 or even 50 times for my other kids to learn a rule, it takes this son 200. But he CAN learn it! |