50/50 custody and behavior problem at school

[Anonymous]

I do not have OP's specific problem, but I do split custody 50/50 and don't feel I have engagement from my X, so here are my thoughts.

The part of your child's day over which you have more influence is the school part; and that's the largest portion of your child's day too. I'd get on the same page as your child's teacher about what the school sees as trouble and how they redirect. I'd reinforce that and/or share what you feel might also work well with the teachers. I'd let teacher know about the custody schedule and encourage teacher to update you both on any problems that are occurring.

I'd share all this with X, as an informational update and in case it helps him, but ultimately you cannot make him reinforce.

A line I take with my DC is that "different places have different rules." We all know this: we're quiet at the library, but can be loud at the playground. At home we share food with our friends; at school, we never share food because of allergies. This is my way of helping my DC understand that X is very permissive, but that is not how it is done at home. It doesn't mean you have to get angry; you can remind about the different rules, give a calm warning, but be consistent about the behavior you want to teach in your home.

Even though this may not be as good for your child as having two parents singing the same tune, it is at least a highly realistic approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not have OP's specific problem, but I do split custody 50/50 and don't feel I have engagement from my X, so here are my thoughts.

The part of your child's day over which you have more influence is the school part; and that's the largest portion of your child's day too. I'd get on the same page as your child's teacher about what the school sees as trouble and how they redirect. I'd reinforce that and/or share what you feel might also work well with the teachers. I'd let teacher know about the custody schedule and encourage teacher to update you both on any problems that are occurring.

I'd share all this with X, as an informational update and in case it helps him, but ultimately you cannot make him reinforce.

A line I take with my DC is that "different places have different rules." We all know this: we're quiet at the library, but can be loud at the playground. At home we share food with our friends; at school, we never share food because of allergies. This is my way of helping my DC understand that X is very permissive, but that is not how it is done at home. It doesn't mean you have to get angry; you can remind about the different rules, give a calm warning, but be consistent about the behavior you want to teach in your home.

Even though this may not be as good for your child as having two parents singing the same tune, it is at least a highly realistic approach.

OP here - this is very helpful advice, thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

I have neighbors (well, only one is still a neighbor since they split up) who share 50/50 custody. They are probably better co-parents than half the married couples I know, so it can be done. As PP above said, work with your child when she is with you, keep in contact with school and keep other parent informed. You can't control what he does (as you could not if you were still in the same home) but at least he will know what is going on and hopefully not do anything to make things worse.
Hope things settle down soon. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My experience has been that kids often get frustrated when they need something and it is at the other person's house. To reduce school frustration please make sure that you have a second set of everything for each house - textbooks, copiers, computers, etc. I know your child is only 6 but this will become an issue, trust me on this.

[Anonymous]

9:28 Your experience as a teacher or a parent? I'm a parent, and believe you me you cannot get schools to give two sets of textbooks!

[Anonymous]

No, you cannot get them from the school. You have to purchase them privately.