50/50 custody and behavior problem at school

[Anonymous]

21:04/21:07

Ouch. You do understand that having two involved parents is better for the child. What used to happen with the every other weekend scenario was dads would feel less attached emotionally and often relocate, etc. I raised my child with his dad in two homes and it worked out great. I wish you could meet him. He is funny, charming, sensitive. He's in college now. His first choice. Yes two homes can be challenging but he felt it was worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:04/21:07

Ouch. You do understand that having two involved parents is better for the child. What used to happen with the every other weekend scenario was dads would feel less attached emotionally and often relocate, etc. I raised my child with his dad in two homes and it worked out great. I wish you could meet him. He is funny, charming, sensitive. He's in college now. His first choice. Yes two homes can be challenging but he felt it was worth it.

But this kid is acting out. Once agin this is NOT about you.

[Anonymous]

P.S. The problem with behavior issues among children of divorce is you never know if the a problem is due to the divorce situation or if it would have happened anyway. This sort of behavior happens with tons of children in terrific homes. Some of my son's classmates with behavior issues at this age had intact families, financial stability, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree with the PP. I hate that 50/50 custody is the new norm. How can it be a stable environment for a child who keeps getting moved back and forth every few days?

OP here - These comments really aren't helpful to this discussion. My child likes to see BOTH of his parents on a regular basis, and the schedule was created based on his preferences. If you also co-parent with 50/50 custody, I'd love to receive your advice on how you handle this sort of situation at school.

Thanks for those who are offering helpful advice!

Go tell the shrink he's going from home to home. Let them tell you what to do. Seriously, aside from a chemical imbalance you all have not created a stable family home for him. I'm on this board in what may be the same boat shortly. So I understand it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree with the PP. I hate that 50/50 custody is the new norm. How can it be a stable environment for a child who keeps getting moved back and forth every few days?

OP here - These comments really aren't helpful to this discussion. My child likes to see BOTH of his parents on a regular basis, and the schedule was created based on his preferences. If you also co-parent with 50/50 custody, I'd love to receive your advice on how you handle this sort of situation at school.

Thanks for those who are offering helpful advice!

Go tell the shrink he's going from home to home. Let them tell you what to do. Seriously, aside from a chemical imbalance you all have not created a stable family home for him. I'm on this board in what may be the same boat shortly. So I understand it is what it is.

Shrinks can always create that, you know, and all of a sudden, medication is the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree with the PP. I hate that 50/50 custody is the new norm. How can it be a stable environment for a child who keeps getting moved back and forth every few days?

Thankfully, it's not the norm in most states. Family courts in most parts of the country understand that 50/50 is a nightmare for kids. Every child deserves a home-base. Can you imagine being shuffled back and forth between "homes" every couple of weeks? Of course the kid has behavior problems.

[Anonymous]

I hope when my fabulous well-adjusted kid (who is also better looking and smarter than you concern-trolling folks' offspring) grows up, he rules our dystopian future with a gentle fist and remembers to be kind to his parents in our separate but loving peasant hovels.

OP, you will figure out how to handle this, regardless of the cause of the behavior. Loop in your co-parent as best you can, and press as far as is reasonable for cooperation...just like co-parents in one house do. You got this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh for fuck's sake. Plenty of us have well-adjusted kids who are raised in two houses. And sometimes well-adjusted kids have behavior problems at school no matter how many houses they have.

OP, my child's dad and I get on the same page together regarding behavior issues. If it's serious enough, there's a tandem sit-down. We also apparently communicate about our parenting much better than many married couples living in the same house under the sacrosanct eves of heterosexual matrimony.

Applause and +1 to this post.

[Anonymous]

OP, your child having these same issues in either house. Perhaps it is a school issue and not a home issue? You sound like a great reasonable mom and if your ex is reasonable too, maybe something isn't right at school? Kids can act out for all sorts of issues. It doesn't necessarily always mean it is due to divorce or even home life.

Could he be bored? Under-stimulated at school? Any special needs or delays? Struggling with reading, writing, math or even socially or following directions? Is the teacher/child not a good fit?

[Anonymous]

Watching this from the outside my experience has been that the parents always believe their kid is well-adjusted and has no problem with the arrangement. It's very hard on a child and gets harder the older they get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watching this from the outside my experience has been that the parents always believe their kid is well-adjusted and has no problem with the arrangement. It's very hard on a child and gets harder the older they get.

I find it pretty offensive that you think you know more about someone's kid than they do. If someone told you, "you know, I know you think your kids are well adjusted in their living situation, but watching from the outside, I can see it's hard on them", you would be beyond offended.

I will also happily inform my therapist that the living arrangement she recommended is unstable and that some people on the internet think my kid needs chemicals to adjust from the instability I've inflicted on her. I'm sure my therapist will be entertained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watching this from the outside my experience has been that the parents always believe their kid is well-adjusted and has no problem with the arrangement. It's very hard on a child and gets harder the older they get.

Are you a child therapist? How many families are you including in your sample? Enlighten us with your wisdom and experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your child having these same issues in either house. Perhaps it is a school issue and not a home issue? You sound like a great reasonable mom and if your ex is reasonable too, maybe something isn't right at school? Kids can act out for all sorts of issues. It doesn't necessarily always mean it is due to divorce or even home life.

Could he be bored? Under-stimulated at school? Any special needs or delays? Struggling with reading, writing, math or even socially or following directions? Is the teacher/child not a good fit?

OP here - thanks for the helpful suggestions and insights, I appreciate it! Regarding being understimulated/bored at school - yes, I do believe this is one factor and am meeting with the teacher and resource teacher this coming week to discuss the situation further and how his academic needs can be accomodated. I am hopeful that this will ameliorate or even eliminate the problem behaviors. I have other thoughts on causes and strategies for helping my child, but it is difficult when I am only with my child part of the time, and haven't been able to have a real discussion about the situation with his dad.

My initial question was more about communication norms between co-parents in this type of situation and it seems as though the answer is a resounding YES ideally co-parents would be able to discuss on the phone or via email about thr situation and how to handle it jointly. It is helpful for me to hear that perspective, as I wasn't sure if my expectations were unrealistic, but it sounds as though they are not.

I still havent heard back from my child's father about whether he even discussed the incidents at school from this week with our son (which I know about because the teacher emailed us both). So I am feeling a little frustrated and helpless at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Accept that there is no normal in these situations. Ideal is he communicate and if possible attend the meetings with you. I would continue to reach out to him and keep him informed of the situation. My husband's ex was a piece of work. She'd never let him know what was going on so he could support her. In other's divorce, they work well together. Maybe something was going on out of his control at his home last week and that is also causing the new behaviors. I'd also give it some time and see if it gets back to normal. You are reasonable to expect cooperation and communication, but it may not be realistic that it happens with your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree with the PP. I hate that 50/50 custody is the new norm. How can it be a stable environment for a child who keeps getting moved back and forth every few days?

OP here - These comments really aren't helpful to this discussion. My child likes to see BOTH of his parents on a regular basis, and the schedule was created based on his preferences. If you also co-parent with 50/50 custody, I'd love to receive your advice on how you handle this sort of situation at school.

Thanks for those who are offering helpful advice!

Go tell the shrink he's going from home to home. Let them tell you what to do. Seriously, aside from a chemical imbalance you all have not created a stable family home for him. I'm on this board in what may be the same boat shortly. So I understand it is what it is.

Shrinks can always create that, you know, and all of a sudden, medication is the answer.

I hope this is a troll and not OP. Op posted the kid was having behavior problems. So nobody is making anything up. Just trying to find a cause and resolve.