50/50 custody and behavior problem at school

[Anonymous]

Just curious how those of you with 50/50 custody handle situations where a child is having behavioral problems at school (i.e. getting notes from the teacher that the child is being disruptive during work time - banging on vents, making noises, dancing around the room when finished with work). This is a 6 year old, FYI.

Do you talk about it with the other parent/try to work together on a strategy for addressing the behavior with the child or is each parent responsible for the behavior when the child comes home to their house on a given day? My child's schedule is 2/5 split so he is with one parent 5 days and the other parent 2 days in a week and then it switches the next week, if that makes sense.

I am the parent who would prefer to work together on a joint strategy - just wondering whether my preference is way off base or if that is how other co-parents handle things.

Any advice, suggestions (even just the suggestion to "let it go") would be helpful and appreciated!!

[Anonymous]

Her teacher knows to contact both of us if there's a problem. We would do it all jointly, but we get on well so there would not be contention.

[Anonymous]

Did this behavior start when this custody arrangement started?

[Anonymous]

OP,
I discussed all with my child's father. You want your child to know you are communicating. But you can't make a parent co-parent. I hope you find a way to work with your child's parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did this behavior start when this custody arrangement started?

No - we've been separated/divorced since our child was 18 months old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I discussed all with my child's father. You want your child to know you are communicating. But you can't make a parent co-parent. I hope you find a way to work with your child's parent.

Thanks - yes, I try to discuss, mostly via email since my ex doesn't like talking on the phone or in person, but I rarely get a response on this issue (i.e. he will respond to other things I email about, but not this).

[Anonymous]

Give the kid a freakin' stable home. Selfish selfish selfish

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with the PP. I hate that 50/50 custody is the new norm. How can it be a stable environment for a child who keeps getting moved back and forth every few days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree with the PP. I hate that 50/50 custody is the new norm. How can it be a stable environment for a child who keeps getting moved back and forth every few days?

OP here - These comments really aren't helpful to this discussion. My child likes to see BOTH of his parents on a regular basis, and the schedule was created based on his preferences. If you also co-parent with 50/50 custody, I'd love to receive your advice on how you handle this sort of situation at school.

Thanks for those who are offering helpful advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree with the PP. I hate that 50/50 custody is the new norm. How can it be a stable environment for a child who keeps getting moved back and forth every few days?

OP here - These comments really aren't helpful to this discussion. My child likes to see BOTH of his parents on a regular basis, and the schedule was created based on his preferences. If you also co-parent with 50/50 custody, I'd love to receive your advice on how you handle this sort of situation at school.

Thanks for those who are offering helpful advice!

OP, your child would probably like ice cream for breakfast and has preferences to watch movies all day rather than go to school. If you are making his life-altering decisions based on his "preferences," rather than what is best emotionally for a 6 year old in an already traumatic situation , then you've already lost the battle.

I feel very sorry for your DS. He is crying for help and no one is listening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree with the PP. I hate that 50/50 custody is the new norm. How can it be a stable environment for a child who keeps getting moved back and forth every few days?

OP here - These comments really aren't helpful to this discussion. My child likes to see BOTH of his parents on a regular basis, and the schedule was created based on his preferences. If you also co-parent with 50/50 custody, I'd love to receive your advice on how you handle this sort of situation at school.

Thanks for those who are offering helpful advice!

OP, your child would probably like ice cream for breakfast and has preferences to watch movies all day rather than go to school. If you are making his life-altering decisions based on his "preferences," rather than what is best emotionally for a 6 year old in an already traumatic situation , then you've already lost the battle.

I feel very sorry for your DS. He is crying for help and no one is listening.

Agreed. I can't possible imagine even as an adult living half my week in one environment and the other half in another....over and over again. I imagine this must be even harder for a 6 year old.

[Anonymous]

OP I have to agree with others that this arrangement is really selfish on the part of adults. I also can't imagine even with a bitter divorce not being able to discuss the difficulties my child is facing with his other parent. Yes, you divorced each other but you still have a kid to raise.

[Anonymous]

Oh for fuck's sake. Plenty of us have well-adjusted kids who are raised in two houses. And sometimes well-adjusted kids have behavior problems at school no matter how many houses they have.

OP, my child's dad and I get on the same page together regarding behavior issues. If it's serious enough, there's a tandem sit-down. We also apparently communicate about our parenting much better than many married couples living in the same house under the sacrosanct eves of heterosexual matrimony.

[Anonymous]

OP, you talk with the other parent and you present a united front with your child. This is what parents do, whether they are living together or not.

Call the other parent and discuss it privately. Make a plan as to what the consequence will be, eg no screen time. Then make arrangements to talk together if you can. Meet in a neutral location. Or if child is at your house, have other parent on speaker phone. What's important is that your child gets the message that you both expect appropriate behavior at school. You may have different styles at home, but at school, you are both on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I discussed all with my child's father. You want your child to know you are communicating. But you can't make a parent co-parent. I hope you find a way to work with your child's parent.

Thanks - yes, I try to discuss, mostly via email since my ex doesn't like talking on the phone or in person, but I rarely get a response on this issue (i.e. he will respond to other things I email about, but not this).

Well, the problem with ex not communicating about this particular issue is where I'd start, if I wanted to resolve this problem. I wouldn't assume the non-communication specifically about this problem is unrelated to the problem. I don't know your ex and so don't have any suggestions about strategies other than to recommend starting there.