How to tell a father that you don't want him to walk you down the aisle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I walked down the aisle together. I find many of the wedding traditions absurd. There was no way I was going to be 'given' to my husband. I also refused to do the garter/bouquet toss as well.

Same here. Op, go on with your bad self and do it unconditionally. Break the mold wherever you want.

[Anonymous]

OP, I try to consider the ramifications of my actions on others.

In your case you are having to balance your personal view as to a tradition that you disagree with versus how it would impact your father.

For me that would be a no-brainer - assuming that I have a relationship with my father - because what I would gain in terms of asserting my independence and non-compliance with tradition would pale in comparison with the hurt my father would feel.

There are other aspects of the wedding ceremony and life in general where one can assert one's independence or disregard for tradition where the impact on others is minimal.

[Anonymous]

For me that would be a no-brainer - assuming that I have a relationship with my father - because what I would gain in terms of asserting my independence and non-compliance with tradition would pale in comparison with the hurt my father would feel.

Perhaps, for you, it would be 'an assertion of independence and non-compliance with tradition' for some of us it is much different and deeper. My father would have been appalled if I had set aside my beliefs to satisfy his ego. That wasn't the way he raised me. Like a PP, DH and I walked down the aisle together. We also didn't do any unity candles or that sort of thing. But all in attendance were invited to participate (sort of a call and response) because we believe that marriage isn't just about family but also about community.

[Anonymous]

It's one day out of 1000s

If it means the world to him to walk you down, would cause a lifetime of hurt feelings on his end be worth it??

Now if he's been subpar as a father that's another story

[Anonymous]

My father died a year before my wedding. My brother walked me down and it was such a sad feeling. Whenever i go to weddings and see a dad walking his daughter down with love in his eyes I feel so sad and cannot help, but cry.

If you have a good relationship with your dad, consider how it will make him feel. He won't be around forever. When someone you love dies, it often revelas the big picture. Most of our complaints become petty when viewing them from the deathbed.

[Anonymous]

MarleySkye840 wrote:thanks for replies.The engagement is still not "out" but when we tell parents, I don't want my dad to get to excited when I know I don't really agree to this custom. I have seen tons of brides walk down the aisle alone. And as a PP said, I think he knows my stance on these things.

Is your father part of your life?

[Anonymous]

Let's just abandon all traditions. Why not?

[Anonymous]

Last time I checked the wedding was about the bride and groom. Who cares what the dad thinks/wants. ITA with the PP who said that her dad would be upset if she compromised her beliefs for his ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps find a way that doesn't adhere to the custom, but still involves your dad somehow. Whether that's both parents walking you down the aisle, or maybe your parents and your fiancé's parents all walk their respective child in. Or even just having parents do a reading or some other aspect of the ceremony.

I get not liking the idea of father handing over ownership of his daughter to her new husband, but getting rid of those unsavory associations doesn't need to come at the cost of your dad's involvement in the ceremony.

As a father, I am OK with not walking my daughter down the aisle someday if she does not like that custom. But for crying out loud, it IS a major moment in her life and I do want to have some part in the ceremony that signifies my role in her life.

[Anonymous]

It's okay to disappoint people. You're not doing it to hurt them, but to do something you want. I walked myself down the aisle. I wasn't that close with my dad at the time and I think he did think it could be a reconciliation. But, after I got married, the more I met him where he could be, the more he met me.

I also disappointed my husband when I didn't take his name. I wasn't doing it to hurt him, but to be true to myself. There's a difference. When you can give something, or be willing to compromise, do it. But, if not, ask people to meet you where you are. I sometimes think back and wonder what would have happened had I taken my husband's name for his sake. He doesn't seem to have any lingering hurt (we've got bigger problems now), and maybe even appreciates me being true to myself. I've never regretted owing my truth.

[Anonymous]

And, OP, you're not going to tell him that you "don't want him to walk you down the aisle." At least I hope you won't! You'll tell him that you have plans to walk yourself down the aisle, and that you've got a dance for him or whatever. It's not about not wanting him, it's about wanting something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's just abandon all traditions. Why not?

We should abandon those traditions that are not meaningful to us and keep - or start - ones that are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last time I checked the wedding was about the bride and groom. Who cares what the dad thinks/wants. ITA with the PP who said that her dad would be upset if she compromised her beliefs for his ego.

In my opinion, it's not just about the bride and groom. It is about the families too, at least to an extent. My parents raised me, loved me, made sacrifices for me. Sure, I wanted my wedding my way, but I also wanted it to be a day for our families. I really think this idea that the wedding is just about the bride's "day to shine" is narcissistic, and it is rooted in our modern culture of HGTV, Bravo, celebrity tabloid gossip and the like. Other people's feelings matter. It's not just about you.

[Anonymous]

If your father will be disappointed and upset by not walking you down the aisle then you need to determine if your idea of it being "creepy", etc... outweighs his feelings on the matter. If it will be important to him, why can't you put your feelings aside and let him do it. It seems like such a silly thing to ponder, analyze and potentially cause hurt feelings over.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who've said to ask your father what he would like. If he's dreamed about walking you down the aisle since you were born, then suck it up and do it. If he doesn't care, then there you go. This, coming from a woman who's father died before she was married and wishes he could have walked me down the aisle.