How to tell a father that you don't want him to walk you down the aisle?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are looking to make a statement by not having your father walk you down the aisle because it is a tradition that you don't care for - and at some level I actually agree with you.

But what would take precedence for me over making a statement is my father's feelings in the matter. Walking a daughter down the aisle is a proud and emotional moment for most fathers. Why would you deny that to him if it is something he would really want to do?

[Anonymous]

I did not have my dad walk me down the aisle and walked by myself. I hate the symbolism, but for me it was more about the fact that I do not have a good relationship with my father, who was absent for most of my life. It still hurt his feelings greatly that I didn't let him, which I didn't intend to do. I didn't make it about him -- I just told him that no one would be giving me away and that I think that's a sexist tradition. (When he complained to my brother, my brother very bluntly told him that he doesn't get to be an absent father for our childhoods and show up and get this honor. My brother told him that he should be glad I invited him to the wedding at all, which was the truth.) I hadn't planned to do a father-daughter dance, either, but he was so crushed by my not having him walk me down the aisle that I gave in and did a father-daughter dance at the same time my husband danced with his mother. My dad was very happy with that.

[Anonymous]

OP- I assume this answer is a "No" but are you having your parents pay or help pay for the wedding?

That would influence my answer.

[Anonymous]

I had both my parents escort me down the aisle. I've seen it a lot, particularly in Jewish ceremonies (where the groom comes down too with his folks) and in some Italian and Greek weddings I've been to. My folks are divorced even but its how I have always seen it done in my extended family so I always liked it. I, like most everyone I know, was on my own for a long time before marriage- so I think the connotation for many people has shifted from "being given away" to "being escorted by loved ones", at least I think that's the direction its moving in and will be nice if the next 1-2 generations see it that way. I often have seen the mother walk down the aisle too as the escort so I hope its shifting.

I am also kind of with the poster that says there is a balance between the wedding being "about" the bride and groom and also a big day for the family in general. Its why I always make sure to congratulate the parents of the bride and groom, its a proud day for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your father will be disappointed and upset by not walking you down the aisle then you need to determine if your idea of it being "creepy", etc... outweighs his feelings on the matter. If it will be important to him, why can't you put your feelings aside and let him do it. It seems like such a silly thing to ponder, analyze and potentially cause hurt feelings over.

It really, really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your father will be disappointed and upset by not walking you down the aisle then you need to determine if your idea of it being "creepy", etc... outweighs his feelings on the matter. If it will be important to him, why can't you put your feelings aside and let him do it. It seems like such a silly thing to ponder, analyze and potentially cause hurt feelings over.

It really, really is.

Exactly! What's the big deal about walking down the aisle? It's not like people won't know who the father of the bride is.

[Anonymous]

MarleySkye840 wrote:I don't want to be walked down the aisle. I feel that the whole tradition of "I am giving this woman to you" is just creepy to me. I want to (symbolically) give myself to my future husband of my own volition. I know the idea of "giving away" is outdated, but the practice is weird to me.

Get over it. If you dad wants to walk you down the aisle, let him. Weddings are for making parents happy, not having a big "me, me, me" day. If you can't do it to keep your dad happy, then elope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had both my parents escort me down the aisle. I've seen it a lot, particularly in Jewish ceremonies (where the groom comes down too with his folks) and in some Italian and Greek weddings I've been to. My folks are divorced even but its how I have always seen it done in my extended family so I always liked it. I, like most everyone I know, was on my own for a long time before marriage- so I think the connotation for many people has shifted from "being given away" to "being escorted by loved ones", at least I think that's the direction its moving in and will be nice if the next 1-2 generations see it that way. I often have seen the mother walk down the aisle too as the escort so I hope its shifting.

I am also kind of with the poster that says there is a balance between the wedding being "about" the bride and groom and also a big day for the family in general. Its why I always make sure to congratulate the parents of the bride and groom, its a proud day for them.

I like this. I think I would have liked to have his parents escort him down the aisle and wait with him while my parents escorted me down the aisle. Then the officiant could ask "who gives this man and woman into marriage" and the parents could say that they do. It would be a really nice visual symbol of how you leave your family of origin to make a whole new family.

[Anonymous]

MarleySkye840 wrote:Anyone BTDT? It's not that I have issues with my dad, it is just a custom I would rather not use. Even though it is just a "custom" it kind of has become mainstream and expected. Is this one of those things that you just do what society says and suck it up?

Just tell him that.

Tell him: "Dad, this has nothing to do with you and the kind of dad you are. I love you. I dislike this patriarchal custom and I don't want it to be in my wedding".

If you make it clear that it's not about him, he'll understand.

[Anonymous]

^^If you feel strongly about it, just proceed with him not walking you down the aisle. Why bother to ask others for their feedback given that you feel strongly about it?

[Anonymous]

Or allow him to "escort" his baby girl one last time before she creates her new family, but take out the "Who gives this woman" part. That is really the patriarchal part

[Anonymous]

How about a compromise? Have him walk you halfway down the aisle symbolizing his role as a parent raising you and nurturing you (or both father and mother doing this). Halfway, you stop and he continues on to his seat and you walk the rest of the way symbolizing your maturity to a grown woman who fledged and left the next and goes to meet her companion for the rest of her life, your groom who you meet at the head of the aisle to begin your new life together. Your dad gets to walk you down the aisle (at least partway) for his part in raising you and doesn't give you away.

[Anonymous]

I hated this idea, too. I wanted to follow the official Catholic rite (that I have literally never actually seen done at any Catholic wedding), which has the bride and groom approach the altar together. But, I knew that the walking down the aisle thing was important to my parents, so we ended up each walking in with both of our parents. I felt like since he was being escorted as well, it took away a bit of the "giving the bride away" symbolism and made it feel a bit more like a recognition of just the fact that our parents had helped us to grow into the two adults who were joining together (or at least I could tell myself that it meant that). Weirdly, my dad was cool with that, but my mom fought me on it - she really wanted to watch my dad and only my dad escort me down the aisle, but she got so many compliments on it after the ceremony that by the end of the reception she was practically acting like it had been her idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had both my parents escort me down the aisle. I've seen it a lot, particularly in Jewish ceremonies (where the groom comes down too with his folks) and in some Italian and Greek weddings I've been to. My folks are divorced even but its how I have always seen it done in my extended family so I always liked it. I, like most everyone I know, was on my own for a long time before marriage- so I think the connotation for many people has shifted from "being given away" to "being escorted by loved ones", at least I think that's the direction its moving in and will be nice if the next 1-2 generations see it that way. I often have seen the mother walk down the aisle too as the escort so I hope its shifting.

I am also kind of with the poster that says there is a balance between the wedding being "about" the bride and groom and also a big day for the family in general. Its why I always make sure to congratulate the parents of the bride and groom, its a proud day for them.

I like this. I think I would have liked to have his parents escort him down the aisle and wait with him while my parents escorted me down the aisle. Then the officiant could ask "who gives this man and woman into marriage" and the parents could say that they do. It would be a really nice visual symbol of how you leave your family of origin to make a whole new family.

PP you quoted- also my ceremony didn't actually have the question about giving this man or woman to be married- just walked down the aisle- they sat and we got started

[Anonymous]

Yes. I asked my mother to walk me down the aisle. My relationship with my father had been strained for many years and though it had gotten better, I felt that that honor should go to my mother who did the majority of the work in raising me and was always there for me, whereas he (physically and emotionally) was not. My niece and nephew (his grandchildren) were both in my wedding and I asked him to walk down the aisle with him. He understood and was glad to be given that role. We did dance together at my wedding and I let him pick the song.