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[quote=Anonymous][quote]OP here - It wasn't a race for me - I was approaching the point at which I would no longer be able to get pregnant. And I always felt that I wanted a family, as opposed to only a baby/a child. I do love my husband and he is a good man, a good partner in a lot of ways. We want the same things in life, even if we don't have a lot in common and we're not passionately in love. We're an odd match; it will never be one of those relationships that fulfills all my needs. I will always need friends and outside interests to feel whole - but I think that's healthy in any relationship. I think most of our problems stem from the fact that we are struggling financially and my husband is working too much, which generates the stress that causes him to have the occasional outburst. I do believe our financial situation, and his work situation, will improve. I'm also depressed at the moment in the wake of a pregnancy loss. So maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit down on my marriage. We have been through a lot of sadness since we got married and it has made us stronger as a couple. So there's something to be said for that.[/quote]

I feel for you, OP, I really do. But i don't think anyone can tell you what to do, or what will happen if you stay, break up, have kids, etc. Each relationship is unique. Its easy for the people who felt like they met their "perfect match" and knew it was their perfect match and things have worked out great....easy for them to say "hold out for perfect, true love." It gets harder to meet people as you get older, and the biological clock is real and it casts a shadow over things at a certain point where you don't know whether you really love someone or are settling because you have a hard time disengaging your desire to make it work with the assessment of "is it working?".

But I will say this. Everyone has flaws and the issue is whether the flaws are deal breakers. My husband has a lot of flaws--some of them would be deal breakers for other on this site--but he has a lot of strengths too. Most days I am satisfied. Some days I am not. We are 6 years into marriage, with two young kids that I had at the tail end of my fertility window, and after a relatively short period dating. Like you, I wanted to have a family with a good guy. I found myself unexpectedly single at 35 and fearing it might never happen. I definitely fell in love with DH, there was romance and excitment--but I overlooked a lot of things because I so wanted it to work. So, there was love, but there was also the blinders, which others might see at 'settling.'

the thing I didn't really imagine was this: that once we had kids, it would be hard to imaging breaking up. Early in our marriage, I waffled at times like you did--we had some horrible fights and I saw a side to DH that I really disliked and that scared me and a couple times I thought maybe we shouldn't have gotten married. But we did some counseling, and we had kids, and now those 'big' things have receded and the smaller stuff is what we deal with day to day. Its not like we are together "for the kids", but its more like I don't really sit around thinking about whether we should or should not have gotten married, or whether our relationship is passionate enough, etc. I do think about it at times, and I long for some time together to reconnect more, but mostly we are immersed in the family building aspect of our lives.

also, I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling like your partner doesn't meet all your emotional needs. that's a big burden for anyone. DH fulfills many of my needs, but my friends, family, my own activities, etc are important to me as well.

anyway, I am rambling here a bit, but I think that what you are feeling is not unusual, and it is not a sign of doom. it is how many people feel in marriages, you are just there earlier because, perhaps, you're older, you've deal with some hard things, like a pregnancy loss, and you're still learning about each other at the same time. I wish you the best--I wish you success in your efforts to have a family and I wish that brings you both the contentment you seek. [/quote]

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