Need to know if I'm expecting too much, tell me what makes your DH a "Great DH" and "Great Father"?

[Anonymous]

I don't really understand this question and I am sort of skeptical of what you are doing, OP. I don't think you can "nag" your husband into being a great father OR a great husband. You can argue with your husband and try to convince him about the importance of a few things that you think are key, but I don't think that gets you to "great."

I think maybe if you are at "good" that could be okay? Isn't nagging for special circumstances? Nagging is what you do when things are stuck on "rotten" and you just want to bring them up to average. But nagging to get all the way up to "great" seems like a mistake to me. Maybe I'm just reading you wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He helps out when I need it. Men usually are intimidated with babies and are afraid/grossed out with changing diapers. A real man will step up and change a diaper when needed. Leaving a child in a dirty diaper can constitute neglect. Men think women automatically know how to take care of kids. It's a learned skill. He can learn to take care of his child, help out with the housework etc. If he is not willing, then you need to decide if its a deal breaker. You also need to figure out if you are nagging or not.

I don't mean to be rude or pick on PP but this answer somewhat depresses me because the bar seems very low. A dad who changes diapers isn't "helping out"-- he's doing a small part of the endless work of raising a child. Maybe my husband is great dad and maybe he's not, but he changed as many if not more diapers than I did.

+1. My dh is a great dad, and hubby, because he does at least as much (sometimes more) parenting than I do. It's not considered "helping."
He's generally engaged with myself and our DD, prioritizes us over work (works a standard 9-5) and picks up dd every day, and is fun and playful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He helps out when I need it. Men usually are intimidated with babies and are afraid/grossed out with changing diapers. A real man will step up and change a diaper when needed. Leaving a child in a dirty diaper can constitute neglect. Men think women automatically know how to take care of kids. It's a learned skill. He can learn to take care of his child, help out with the housework etc. If he is not willing, then you need to decide if its a deal breaker. You also need to figure out if you are nagging or not.

I don't mean to be rude or pick on PP but this answer somewhat depresses me because the bar seems very low. A dad who changes diapers isn't "helping out"-- he's doing a small part of the endless work of raising a child. Maybe my husband is great dad and maybe he's not, but he changed as many if not more diapers than I did.

+1. My dh is a great dad, and hubby, because he does at least as much (sometimes more) parenting than I do. It's not considered "helping."
He's generally engaged with myself and our DD, prioritizes us over work (works a standard 9-5) and picks up dd every day, and is fun and playful.

Same poster here. When I couldn't handle sleep deprivation, dh actually did more night wakings/feelings than me. Now that's a husband!

[Anonymous]

Great dad: genuinely enjoys interacting with our girls, takes an interest in their lives, actively cares for them with day to day tasks. He's very hands on and playful with them. I read that fathers generally have a more physical, hands on, approach to bonding with their kids and this kind of interaction boosts the kid's confidence - it's a different expression of love than what mothers generally do. I appreciate that my husband is being a great dad to our girls and that will serve them in life.

Great husband: cares for the home, cares for our family, cares for me. Every day, he puts in so much effort - I've been ill that last couple months and he had just taken care of everything I can't. I think what makes our marriage great is that we keep refining our communication skills and we keep getting closer with time - we're getting better at hearing each other out when we disagree and not letting disagreement on one issue sour the rest of our family life. We both have strong personalities and letting some one else have a vote in how we run our lives, let alone having a life together, doesn't come easily to either of us but we're both actively adjusting our behaviors and expectations, and we're able to appreciate the effort the other is putting into the relationship even though it's far from perfect, smooth sailing at this point.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a great husband and a great father. Because we are partners. We are a team, shouldering each other's burdens and always looking out for one another. Without chore and parenting equality, the marriage cannot be happy. He does an abundance of chores, especially chores that I hate, like car maintenance and cleaning the basement when it floods. When I am tired or sick, he does my chores without complaint. When he does his chores, he does them 100% without any reminders or nagging. So his chores don't take up much mental space in my head. Earlier in our relationship he wasn't so responsible, and that was really annoying to me, so he changed.

He adores our little girl and goes the extra mile in every way-- doing the daycare drop-off and schmoozing with her daycare teachers, making sure she eats healthy, and taking her to the zoo and playdates. I love to see him being an excellent father and it really takes our relationship to the next level.

He cares about me and my physical needs, he rubs my back and my feet, cooks great healthy food, and always tells me I am beautiful. He never expects to just have sex with no foreplay, unless that's what I want. He plans our weekends away.

But it's not about any one thing that he does. It's about that we are a team. I do a lot to care for him, and he does a lot to care for me. The key is partnership.

[Anonymous]

TBH, I think this whole question is misframed. I am a DW, but I am always suspicious of these kinds of threads. I am not talking about the "great husband" part. As PP's have said, these are two different issues and linking them is not always constructive. But my point is that having the DW (or mother) define and asking a bunch of other mothers what constitutes a "great father" approaches the issue the wrong way. OP has her idea of what a great father is and she is just rounding up support for her position. It is not constructive for her own marriage. What is she going to say to him “25 mothers on DCUM said that changing the same amount of diapers is being a great father?” LOL The answers (especially among young mothers) are predictable - he changes diapers, plays with the kids, gets up at night. Ok that's fine, but not EVERY great father does these things and not every father who does these things is a great father. Equal partners can do different things.

Relationships are unique and evolve over time and so does parenthood. My DH of 21 years is a great father and always has been. Yet, I changed most of the diapers and fixed bottles when my kids were of that age. But I did not base his “greatness” on whether he did the same things that I did equally. As PP said, we are a team and a lot of things go into having a smoothly running household and raising healthy children. I have roles that have evolved in our house and so does he. Example, I do most of the cooking in the house. Yet, I have never attended a BTS night or taken the dog to the vet because DH does it. He does not wash clothes. Yet, he is responsible for the morning routine and school drop offs. 75% of the time he is the one checking homework and helping with projects. He is the one taking the boys to get haircuts, buy clothes and shoes and to practice their various sports. My point is that a “great father” is not determined by him doing things that a “great mother” would do. Many fathers have unique roles and, many times, mothers get into this judging by comparison thing. It is never helpful and in fact may hinder the evolution of the parental roles in a household.

OP, why don’t you sit down with DH and ask him what HE thinks a great father and a great mother is. His answers might shed some light on your situation.