Need to know if I'm expecting too much, tell me what makes your DH a "Great DH" and "Great Father"?

[Anonymous]

Every relationship is different

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every relationship is different

Exactly. But witness the fury when a couple is happy with a relationship in which the mother takes the lead on maintaining the health & well-being of the children and where the father, while doing more than 50% on other components of maintaining a family, does something less than 50% on the health & well-being of the children - then has the temerity to label the husband's contribution in this specific area as "help." Horrors! The patriarchy is conspiring to keep women barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen!

[Anonymous]

My husband is a totally equal partner. Kid stuff isn't 'my stuff.' He's as comfortable with the kids and as much a part of their day to day life and care as I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a totally equal partner. Kid stuff isn't 'my stuff.' He's as comfortable with the kids and as much a part of their day to day life and care as I am.

I should clarify that we do still fight! We have a preschooler, an infant and two full-time jobs so life is a bit manic, but we don't fight about him not contributing equally with the kids.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a good father. He doesn't just do the fun stuff--he changes diapers, gets the kid dressed in the morning, gets up with her in the middle of the night (we alternate nights), etc. He is an equal partner in caring for her and running the household. We have some tasks that we share--laundry, cooking dinner--and some that are our respective responsibilities, but either way, he pulls his weight (and maybe a little more) around the home.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't matter OP ~ he is your life partner. Love him "enough" to be a happy family and keep your mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my DH is more of a great father than a great husband. If we are splitting hairs and all

+1

[Anonymous]

My DW is definitely a better mother than she is a wife. Our relationship isn't bad, but she definitely lets it slide in favor of overdoing it on the kids.

[Anonymous]

DH puts forth his best effort all the time. Even if we're sick, or exhausted, or sleep-deprived, I know he's putting forth his best effort.

He thinks I'm beautiful, and he tells me so regularly.

He cleans the house like nobody's business before guests come.

He's fun with our son, but also disciplines. He chops up DS's food in cute ways that DS likes and makes DS feel special.

He's contorted his work schedule in all kinds of ways to spend more time with us.

He's concerned about me and helps me take care of myself. He lets me take care of him, but he never gets a "man cold." He's appreciative of little things I do for him.

He's great all around. He's not perfect, but damned near close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The language police who are always ready to decry "help" as a four letter word are getting tiresome. We get it. My wife doesn't "help" with the bills. When she contributes 30% to the bill paying effort, she's a full partner and, even if she contributed 0%, she has full responsibility for paying the bills.

But here's the thing - running a household has a lot of components. Spouses are going to take the lead on different components - based on time, inclination, skill level, happenstance, tradition, gender prejudice, or some combination thereof. If you and your spouse do every single component on a strict 50/50 basis, congratulations to you but you're probably doing it wrong. And if the spouse who is not leading on a component contributes to the effort, it's an acceptable linguistic shorthand to say they are "helping." My wife "helps" with the lawn sometimes. Sure, it's both of our responsibility. But I mow the lawn 90% of the time. When she kicks in 10% of the time, she's "helping."

You have a point, but I also think you are missing the boat a bit on some things. Child rearing has for quite some time been seen as the job of the woman, and too many men (at least judging from frequent discussions in these forums) think that means they bring home a paycheck and otherwise do the bare minimum. They see themselves as helping and society backs them up by making them feel super special for doing what women are expected to do, or for even changing any diapers at all. That is why framing it as help is a problem, in my book. Luckily my husband doesn't see it that way and shares the load, but he was really struck by the reaction from people when he took some paternity leave to stay home with our son. He said it was like people thought he was a saint for spending time with his kid, whereas while I was on leave no one batted an eye. At least he agrees it is a sucky double standard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The language police who are always ready to decry "help" as a four letter word are getting tiresome. We get it. My wife doesn't "help" with the bills. When she contributes 30% to the bill paying effort, she's a full partner and, even if she contributed 0%, she has full responsibility for paying the bills.

But here's the thing - running a household has a lot of components. Spouses are going to take the lead on different components - based on time, inclination, skill level, happenstance, tradition, gender prejudice, or some combination thereof. If you and your spouse do every single component on a strict 50/50 basis, congratulations to you but you're probably doing it wrong. And if the spouse who is not leading on a component contributes to the effort, it's an acceptable linguistic shorthand to say they are "helping." My wife "helps" with the lawn sometimes. Sure, it's both of our responsibility. But I mow the lawn 90% of the time. When she kicks in 10% of the time, she's "helping."

You have a point, but I also think you are missing the boat a bit on some things. Child rearing has for quite some time been seen as the job of the woman, and too many men (at least judging from frequent discussions in these forums) think that means they bring home a paycheck and otherwise do the bare minimum. They see themselves as helping and society backs them up by making them feel super special for doing what women are expected to do, or for even changing any diapers at all. That is why framing it as help is a problem, in my book. Luckily my husband doesn't see it that way and shares the load, but he was really struck by the reaction from people when he took some paternity leave to stay home with our son. He said it was like people thought he was a saint for spending time with his kid, whereas while I was on leave no one batted an eye. At least he agrees it is a sucky double standard!

You're not wrong. And maybe this thread is different. But generally on these boards, I see it play out where some schmuck is complaining that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him. He makes sure to put in a few lines about how he's pulling his weight around the house as a preemptive strike against having his shit automatically jumped about how, *of course* she doesn't want to have sex because she's so overworked at home and he's probably a lazy pig. But his language is imprecise, so he uses the word "help," so now, instead, he gets his shit automatically jumped about how *of course* she doesn't want to have sex with him because he regards his participation in house and family work as "help."

[Anonymous]

He puts up with me and that says a lot lately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW is definitely a better mother than she is a wife. Our relationship isn't bad, but she definitely lets it slide in favor of overdoing it on the kids.

Interesting. Im so much a better wife than mother. I knew I wouldn't be a great mother though so I picked a guy who'd be a great father and we got a great nanny.

[Anonymous]

You have a point, but I also think you are missing the boat a bit on some things. Child rearing has for quite some time been seen as the job of the woman, and too many men (at least judging from frequent discussions in these forums) think that means they bring home a paycheck and otherwise do the bare minimum. They see themselves as helping and society backs them up by making them feel super special for doing what women are expected to do, or for even changing any diapers at all. That is why framing it as help is a problem, in my book. Luckily my husband doesn't see it that way and shares the load, but he was really struck by the reaction from people when he took some paternity leave to stay home with our son. He said it was like people thought he was a saint for spending time with his kid, whereas while I was on leave no one batted an eye. At least he agrees it is a sucky double standard!

You're not wrong. And maybe this thread is different. But generally on these boards, I see it play out where some schmuck is complaining that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him. He makes sure to put in a few lines about how he's pulling his weight around the house as a preemptive strike against having his shit automatically jumped about how, *of course* she doesn't want to have sex because she's so overworked at home and he's probably a lazy pig. But his language is imprecise, so he uses the word "help," so now, instead, he gets his shit automatically jumped about how *of course* she doesn't want to have sex with him because he regards his participation in house and family work as "help."

Not the PP, but I think this is one of those semantic debates that's worth having. My DH is a great guy, on the whole, but we fell into a trap early on in our marriage in which I asked him to "help" with house cleaning, grocery shopping, making dinners...and once we had kids we talked about him "helping" with things like pediatrician appointments, making kids' lunches, etc, etc. It really wasn't balanced because even though he was doing some things (like earning money and some household chores) I was doing more, without question.

Anyway--to answer the OP's question--I do think DH is a great husband and father, but this is largely because he has been willing to work on himself (i.e. balancing the load between us more equitably, always a work in progress). And he tries hard--he really thinks about how to be a great husband and father. Even when he misses the mark, I really appreciate knowing that he is invested as much as I am.

[Anonymous]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/on-trading-a-higher-salary-for-more-time-with-kids/2014/07/09/7702c716-fe24-11e3-8176-f2c941cf35f1_story.html