Kids, cousins and a rat's nest of family politics
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Anonymous
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This is not your problem to solve. These kids already have parents who seem to have shifted all of their parenting responsibility to you.
What are the parents doing on their "break" other than getting a divorce that's keeping them from raising their own kids? You are being put into a untenable situation by your selfish sister and your nagging STBX bil. Send the kids home. Your family is being damaged by this dynamic. Kudos to you for lasting this long. Again, send the kids back home. |
Anonymous
| This is a horrible situation for these children and YOU are a wonderful sister. If possible, I would keep them for a little longer (I find it sad that neither parent is demanding that they be returned). I think you can be reasonable with them about your rules and expectations and explain to them that rules are non-negotiable. Try to explain to your kids that family needs come first. Good luck to all of you. Your nieces and nephews will remember this time forever. Just love them. |
Anonymous
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Unless you plan to adopt them, I think what you are teaching your sister and her ex is that they can be selfish and you will enable that. That is not good for the children in the long-term. Right now things are a mess and staying with you is prolonging the uncertainty of what will happen later. They might be thinking: "Who will take care of me? Will I see both my parents on a regular basis? Who is in charge? Where will I live? Will I get to stay at my school? Keep my friends? Do my parents still love me?" And they won't get those answers living with you. In fact, since they know it's a temporary thing, it may be causing more stress that both parents are gone and nothing is settled.
Say you have them for another month, another 6 months, a year. What will that accomplish? They are still going back, aren't they? It's hard to watch the train wreck, but I really don't think you can fix this. It'd be great if a month of love and attention could make up for an unstable home life and shield them from the hurt that will ensue. I don't think that's possible. The only thing I do think could be achieved by you taking them for a while is to strenghen your ties and your children's ties with them and really, it sounds like it's doing the opposite. It's really nice of you to take them in but I think it'd be better to send them back. |
Anonymous
| Why are they not with their father? I would sit down with them and ask what they want for the summer. Those kids are all old enough to have a say, especially the teens. They are missing their parents and their friends. Getting the kids back with one of their parents asap, should be your first priority. |
Anonymous
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Time for a meeting. Sit with each one of them individually and tell them that as much as you love having them come to stay with you, they don't seem happy. Give each the option to continue their stay and if so, ask what would make it better. Remind them that you've given them a chance to settle in and adjust but that it's time to lose the attitudes and act like a family. Is this behavior that you see in them at home when you visit them?
Also tell sister that you will speak with each child about the possibility of staying and if they don't want to, they will be returning home. And don't pull punches, tell her (and your mother too) their behavior has been less than stellar and that you are expecting a change. Remind her that you very much want to help but not at the expense of being a doormat. Can sister come stay with you for a bit? I'd be curious if that helps at all. |
Anonymous
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All these people suggesting that OP ask the kids what they want, want in the world is the point of that?
Evidently, their parents are emotionally unstable, the kids are in an extremely tenuous situation, highly emotional and unstable; so they are not in a position to get a say in the decision. Talk with your sister about where she is financially and emotionally(what is the point of sending them back to a hell hole) and be very clear with her what the ground rules are if they are to stay. First thing would be to require family therapy. Ask the kids what they want and they will say to go live with mommy and daddy - which ain't gonna happen. |
Anonymous
PP, you are everything that is wrong with DC. Those kids are OP's nieces/nephews. They are extended family. Their parents are AWOL. OP can say "Not my problem" and leave her nieces/nephews to suffer or she can step up. Screw the parents. They're a hot mess. Those kids deserve whatever help OP can give, though. |
Anonymous
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It is great you are helping it out. It isn't clear though why neither parent can have them for the summer. Divorce means that both parents have to deal with the kids alone. If your sister is not stepping up to the plate - what about their father? You said he calls often. Did he think they were just coming to you for a holiday? Why can't they go to his place? Who is going for custody?
Op there is so much uncertainty and likely that is part of the acting out. The kids lives are completely out of their control, no idea what is happening with them, neither parent really stepping up and making them the priority. they are trying to find some measure of control where they can and right now the only place they can get that is through saying no and defying rules. It gives them some some of control over their own lives. |
Anonymous
| Time to send them home. Their Dad who is so critical of your home can welcome them back into his. |
Anonymous
Not the PP whose advice you are commenting on, but this isn’t a situation where OP has to deal with rude/bratty kids without any other parties being involved. The kids are causing unpleasantness and ruining the summer for OP’s children and DH. Fine, DH is an adult and maybe should put up with it (debatable, but let’s leave that alone). OP’s kids have done nothing wrong and in taking care of well-being of her nieces/nephews, I fail to see why OP’s own children’s welfare should be thrown under the bus. Related – the kids at issue are not 5. They are teens/pre-teens and really should know how to behave by now. I don’t care how much family turmoil they have – they should expect to either act properly or face the consequences. A family divorce is no excuse for being bratty nightmares to people who have nothing to do with it. |
Anonymous
| OP: Come back. I think we all want to hear more of the story. |
Anonymous
| The kids must feel scared, feel hurt, and feel totally rejected by both of their parents. Even adults might act out in those circumstances. OP, your sister is really letting her kids down, as is their father. Have they even seen him since staying with you? They need their friends, ANC they need to know what the end game is: they will be back at their old school when the school year opens. Leaving them in the dark is unkind, and you need to force your sister to get a grip and be a parent. This divorce is not just about her and her husband. |
Anonymous
These kids are having a crisis. Their parents have abandoned them. Their family is in shreads. They are afraid and angry and taking it out on everyone around them. They're in a state of depression and grief. OP's kids are having an unpleasant summer because their cousins are being asses. It's just some unpleasantness, though. I don't think their unpleasant summer outweighs the needs of their cousins, who are in some serious shit. |
Anonymous
| I feel for you, OP. Couple of years ago my sister too was going through a very messy divorce and begged me personally to let her two kids stay with us for a month until she moves all of their stuff out to their new place. If I thought she and I were terrible as teenagers, her kids made us look like angels. My usually outgoing twins were literally terrified of their cousins after only a few days with them. At one point they didn't want to come home after their day camp because "Larla and Cruella were there." TO THEIR OWN HOME! After 1 month, my sister started saying "oh, can you please keep for a bit more, until the school year starts" and I put my foot down. It's now been three years, my sister barely talks to me at all, her kids are just as mean as ever and my children cringe every time they have to visit my parents and they find their "beloved" cousins there. |
Anonymous
Well, OP is not a shrink and she is supposed to take care of her OWN family not someone else's, no matter what their familial ties are. |