Kids, cousins and a rat's nest of family politics

[Anonymous]

I hate to sound corny, but it sounds like what these kids need is love and stability, and are testing the hell out of you to avoid being jerked around again. I like the idea of writing down the rules, but without the "or else." Just, this is how we do things in this house, and ignore everything to the contrary, including attitude. Treat them like toddlers - do not give attention to the negative, praise/affection for the positive as frequently as you can.

Would help to know how old they are, but what about some form of college age babysitter/companion/mentor who could come in, take them off your hands for a little while, and act as a good role model. It can help a preteen to see that older teenagers do NOT think it's cool to disrespect adults. I don't know what your finances are, and it sounds like your sister's may be a mess, but maybe mom/sis could pitch in financially to come up support there, since you are providing the physical day-to-day support.

Completely agree that you and your DH are superstars. Hope you guys can hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would come down hard on the whole situation.

I would say, "I get it we are all in a shitastic situation"... "I am sorry your parents are getting a divorce, I am sorry you are being forced to stay here" turn to your kids "I am sorry that your whole world has been invaded" but.... "we are family and we need to make this work" these are the rules...

I would write down the rules.

Wake (time)
shower (time)
eat (time)
clean up your own stuff
Activity... what do you do pool, hiking, just sit around all day

I would make the kids (1 at a time) help with dinner, I would make them earn screen time, etc.

Find things for them to do withOUT each other so they get time alone.

They need to act like a team ... a family!

They should have an opportunity to express themselves, if something bothers them hear them out (individually).

Truthfully... I wish I could have done this with my niece and nephew who are now a wreck.

I was thinking of a similar script in my head while reading your scenario. You could also add that you can't do anything to change all the hurt but that in your home, we try not to hurt each other and if we do, we make it right by apologizing.

the or else would be more like I take your phones and turn off the internet. But... these kids need love, they need an outlet... maybe a summer camp, what about... if everybody gets along today... tomorrow we go to the movies, the beach, ....

I still don't know how old the kids are but i have a feeling some are teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would come down hard on the whole situation.

I would say, "I get it we are all in a shitastic situation"... "I am sorry your parents are getting a divorce, I am sorry you are being forced to stay here" turn to your kids "I am sorry that your whole world has been invaded" but.... "we are family and we need to make this work" these are the rules...

I would write down the rules.

Wake (time)
shower (time)
eat (time)
clean up your own stuff
Activity... what do you do pool, hiking, just sit around all day

I would make the kids (1 at a time) help with dinner, I would make them earn screen time, etc.

Find things for them to do withOUT each other so they get time alone.

They need to act like a team ... a family!

They should have an opportunity to express themselves, if something bothers them hear them out (individually).

Truthfully... I wish I could have done this with my niece and nephew who are now a wreck.

I agree with this approach 100% - they need limits and need to be told how to behave. If it comes down to an "...or what" showdown, the "or what" is what ever they don't want! Or else you'll have to stay here forever!

Do not put up with disrespect or bad behavior from any child - ever. It weakens you in your own children's eyes. If you would not allow an adult to treat you this way, why would you accept it from a child?

[Anonymous]

Don't expect to "fix" anything during this visit. Just be patient, supportive, understanding, and stable. I think that's what they need. They're not going to change right now. Don't take anything personally.

[Anonymous]

Send the ungrateful brats home a d tell your sister to be a PARENT to her own children.

[Anonymous]

OP here

To answer the questions, my kids are 9, 11 and 13. My sister's kids are 9, 13 and 14.

I could have my dad come and stay with me but his issue is vascular dementure and taking him out of a familiar environment just wouldn't work. He's often fine but sometimes he's liable to wake up in the morning not knowing where he is or quite disorientated. My mom is sort of his lifeline when that occurs. Also, I seriously don't think my mom could cope with these kids. It wouldn't work.

I don't have much local support because my husband and I lived overseas for quite a spell and we have some good friends but not 'inflict this mess on them' kind of friends. Also, if I am struggling with these kids and this dynamic and it's my family, I'm not sure how to integrate anyone else. I could send my kids off to camp (they normally like it) but I worry about the messages that would send. I don't know what programs might be suitable for the cousins and I am acutely conscious that anything I do will be met with a response which reflects all the issues I referred to in my previous post.

To answer PP's question: they were supposed to be with me for three weeks. It has been longer and my sister wants me to have them until the end of the vacation. The kids mentioned that they "might be going to school here in the future" but no one has mentioned that to me and when I've raised it with my mom and sister they have said nothing.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. What's your sister doing with this down time?

I don't think I'd let them stay the rest of the summer. I think it is time to have a talk with your sister and get some details ironed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

To answer the questions, my kids are 9, 11 and 13. My sister's kids are 9, 13 and 14.

I could have my dad come and stay with me but his issue is vascular dementure and taking him out of a familiar environment just wouldn't work. He's often fine but sometimes he's liable to wake up in the morning not knowing where he is or quite disorientated. My mom is sort of his lifeline when that occurs. Also, I seriously don't think my mom could cope with these kids. It wouldn't work.

I don't have much local support because my husband and I lived overseas for quite a spell and we have some good friends but not 'inflict this mess on them' kind of friends. Also, if I am struggling with these kids and this dynamic and it's my family, I'm not sure how to integrate anyone else. I could send my kids off to camp (they normally like it) but I worry about the messages that would send. I don't know what programs might be suitable for the cousins and I am acutely conscious that anything I do will be met with a response which reflects all the issues I referred to in my previous post.

To answer PP's question: they were supposed to be with me for three weeks. It has been longer and my sister wants me to have them until the end of the vacation. The kids mentioned that they "might be going to school here in the future" but no one has mentioned that to me and when I've raised it with my mom and sister they have said nothing.

I still think camps for all the kids might be the best approach. Can you talk to your mom & sister and get them on board -- say, hey, all six kids home all day long isn't working well, I will take them for longer ONLY if I can get permission (& financial help, if necessary) to put them in camp during the day? (Maybe not all of them, but at least your kids and her 9-year-old? And give the 13 & 14 year olds the option if they want it?)

[Anonymous]

OP you are a saint. Cheers for you for dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister, with whom I generally have a good long-distance relationship, is suffering from some serious issues and is currently going through a messy divorce. Growing up, she was always the proverbial 'golden child' and I think my parents are finding it particularly difficult to come to terms with the complexity of her tricky situation. My mom asked me to have her three children to stay with us because she thinks they need a break. She cannot have them because my dad is unwell. I agreed. Because my sister's husband has always disliked our family, we have not had much to do with them on a family to family basis. I tend to go and see my sister when I can. Fast forward to what is turning into a disastrous holiday. My sister's kids (and I understand and am deeply sensitive to the context) have an astoundingly challenging mix of aggression, entitlement, disrespect and deep seated bitterness towards each other (I think both blame each other for the divorce and have been manipulated by their parents in a really sad and hideous way). Nothing is right. Endless sniping. Everything I do is met with snide or pejorative remarks and frankly they are unbelievably frustrating to be around. If I take them somewhere, it's the wrong place. If I don't take them anywhere, they are bored. If my kids suggest doing something, the suggestions are met with scorn. They whine and moan all day unless they are in front of a screen which is not something we normally allow in the summer. They just plain nasty to my kids who are by no means perfect but mostly respectful, generally nice to each other and all chip in to help in our now rather crowded house on a day to day basis. Meanwhile, my sister is making noises about me keeping the kids for longer, my kids are making noises about wanting to go and live somewhere else, my husband has been a superstar but is over the current dynamic (he's not used to being told to 'go to hell' when suggesting someone might like to turn in for the night), my mom thinks I 'owe' it to my sister to help her more, my sister's husband calls the kids incessantly so I have an ongoing commentary about the various failings of our household because I "force" them to shower every so often, help clean up after meals, tell me where they are going and who they are going with etc. I am at my wits end. I am really trying. I know these kids need something from me but what? I tried to pose the option of getting them some therapy but their dad flatly refused (I'm led to believe that therapy is for pussies). Can anyone give me advice? If I send them home I'm sending them into a horrid hornets nest and yet another person will have let them down. If I keep them for longer I am worried about the impact on my family. I am worried about me. I have no mandate to try and help them navigate some change and I am sick of being judged and manipulated by my family who appear to think that because I'm okay I should look after everyone else. These kids are at an age where what happens now could make or break them. So what do I do?

You are giving them what they need. You are consistent and kind and a mom. They're hurt kids and that is how hurt kids act. They take it out on everyone around them. Just keep loving them and mom-ing them and telling them to knock it off.

Does your sister want them to stay with you for the rest of the summer or does she want you to keep them for fall semester? If she wanted me to take them for the rest of the year, I'd think about it and get them in counseling.

If she is talking about the rest of the summer, I'd keep them an extra week to make her happy and then send them home. More time isn't going to make too much difference for them. I'd make sure that your sister and the kids know that they should come back next summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. What's your sister doing with this down time?

I don't think I'd let them stay the rest of the summer. I think it is time to have a talk with your sister and get some details ironed out.

+1 Unless your sister is having serious medical issues and not just getting a divorce, it's time for her to step up and take care of her own kids.

You'll been a champ and a great sister but you have to set some limits for the health of your own family. Taking care of 6 kids, three of whom are "acting out" is too much...

[Anonymous]

You are a good sister. Keep your chin up and be as positive as you can with them.

Time to make arrangements for them to go home. Not just for you, but they probably are miserable being away from their parents at this tough time. And really, your priority has to be your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

To answer the questions, my kids are 9, 11 and 13. My sister's kids are 9, 13 and 14.

I could have my dad come and stay with me but his issue is vascular dementure and taking him out of a familiar environment just wouldn't work. He's often fine but sometimes he's liable to wake up in the morning not knowing where he is or quite disorientated. My mom is sort of his lifeline when that occurs. Also, I seriously don't think my mom could cope with these kids. It wouldn't work.

I don't have much local support because my husband and I lived overseas for quite a spell and we have some good friends but not 'inflict this mess on them' kind of friends. Also, if I am struggling with these kids and this dynamic and it's my family, I'm not sure how to integrate anyone else. I could send my kids off to camp (they normally like it) but I worry about the messages that would send. I don't know what programs might be suitable for the cousins and I am acutely conscious that anything I do will be met with a response which reflects all the issues I referred to in my previous post.

To answer PP's question: they were supposed to be with me for three weeks. It has been longer and my sister wants me to have them until the end of the vacation. The kids mentioned that they "might be going to school here in the future" but no one has mentioned that to me and when I've raised it with my mom and sister they have said nothing.

You're past the date? Time to send them home. No wonder they're acting out--divorce, not with their own friends, uncertainty about everything, and their early tween/teen ages. Perfect storm.

[Anonymous]

Send them home. Their nasty behavior may be understandable, but that is no excuse for having your own children and DH (not to mention you) be miserable as a result.

Your sister does not appear to be ill or otherwise incapacitated - she and her STB ex should deal with their own children and not dump them on others - being left by their parents probably doesn't help those kids' dispositions any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would come down hard on the whole situation.

I would say, "I get it we are all in a shitastic situation"... "I am sorry your parents are getting a divorce, I am sorry you are being forced to stay here" turn to your kids "I am sorry that your whole world has been invaded" but.... "we are family and we need to make this work" these are the rules...

I would write down the rules.

Wake (time)
shower (time)
eat (time)
clean up your own stuff
Activity... what do you do pool, hiking, just sit around all day

I would make the kids (1 at a time) help with dinner, I would make them earn screen time, etc.

Find things for them to do withOUT each other so they get time alone.

They need to act like a team ... a family!

They should have an opportunity to express themselves, if something bothers them hear them out (individually).

Truthfully... I wish I could have done this with my niece and nephew who are now a wreck.

PP put it PERFECTLY! PERFECTLY!
These kids are in a horrible situation, which it seems their parents have not handled well at all. And if the parents put the kids in the middle of it -- that is HORRIFIC.
These kids need the hammer down and quick -- they want and need to feel security and boundaries.
The only thing I would add is that I would tell your sister that family therapy is a requirement if those kids are staying in your house (most especially if it is an extended stay).
Kudos to you and your family.