Kids, cousins and a rat's nest of family politics

[Anonymous]

I agree with the other PP's who say that it is time to put your foot down and send them back to their mom.

One of the three stated that they might be moving nearby soon? It seems like your sister, her kids and your mom know about your sister's "additional" needs from you but are not "disclosing" just yet. Your sister will probably reveal her plans to you in bits and pieces.

You have been plenty helpful to her by taking them in for more than three weeks. Don't let her or your mom guilt trip you when your sister needs more favors if they become too inconvenient for you and your family.

Married moms divorce all the time and weather the storm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you, OP. Couple of years ago my sister too was going through a very messy divorce and begged me personally to let her two kids stay with us for a month until she moves all of their stuff out to their new place. If I thought she and I were terrible as teenagers, her kids made us look like angels. My usually outgoing twins were literally terrified of their cousins after only a few days with them. At one point they didn't want to come home after their day camp because "Larla and Cruella were there." TO THEIR OWN HOME! After 1 month, my sister started saying "oh, can you please keep for a bit more, until the school year starts" and I put my foot down. It's now been three years, my sister barely talks to me at all, her kids are just as mean as ever and my children cringe every time they have to visit my parents and they find their "beloved" cousins there.

Why did your sister thinking was fair to ask you to keep them with you, thereby making you have four kids to deal with? How was your relationship before that? Does she understand that her kids were being mean to yours and that the situation wasn't good for anybody? I'm sorry you went through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

To answer the questions, my kids are 9, 11 and 13. My sister's kids are 9, 13 and 14.

I could have my dad come and stay with me but his issue is vascular dementure and taking him out of a familiar environment just wouldn't work. He's often fine but sometimes he's liable to wake up in the morning not knowing where he is or quite disorientated. My mom is sort of his lifeline when that occurs. Also, I seriously don't think my mom could cope with these kids. It wouldn't work.

I don't have much local support because my husband and I lived overseas for quite a spell and we have some good friends but not 'inflict this mess on them' kind of friends. Also, if I am struggling with these kids and this dynamic and it's my family, I'm not sure how to integrate anyone else. I could send my kids off to camp (they normally like it) but I worry about the messages that would send. I don't know what programs might be suitable for the cousins and I am acutely conscious that anything I do will be met with a response which reflects all the issues I referred to in my previous post.

To answer PP's question: they were supposed to be with me for three weeks. It has been longer and my sister wants me to have them until the end of the vacation. The kids mentioned that they "might be going to school here in the future" but no one has mentioned that to me and when I've raised it with my mom and sister they have said nothing.

So OP is taking care of 6 kids, three teens and 3 tweens, oh joy! And her nieces and nephews are on their very worst behavior, understandable under the circumstances but still... and not on the people, their parents who deserve to "make it up to them" not OP.

You sound like a kind, caring person but your sister is taking advantage of you. Send the kids home.

[Anonymous]

OP - I haven't read all the responses but given the age of your sisters three children (you have a full house!) It sounds to me that camp is in order. All three are old enough for sleep away camp. So find one and have your parents, sister and her husband come up with the cash to send them. It will serve as a distraction (it can be hard being in a happy home when yours is falling apart) and give you and your immediate family some space. Make all the arrangements but have the others pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This is not your problem to solve. These kids already have parents who seem to have shifted all of their parenting responsibility to you.

What are the parents doing on their "break" other than getting a divorce that's keeping them from raising their own kids?

You are being put into a untenable situation by your selfish sister and your nagging STBX bil.

Send the kids home. Your family is being damaged by this dynamic.

Kudos to you for lasting this long. Again, send the kids back home.

PP, you are everything that is wrong with DC. Those kids are OP's nieces/nephews. They are extended family. Their parents are AWOL. OP can say "Not my problem" and leave her nieces/nephews to suffer or she can step up.

Screw the parents. They're a hot mess. Those kids deserve whatever help OP can give, though.

Not the PP whose advice you are commenting on, but this isn’t a situation where OP has to deal with rude/bratty kids without any other parties being involved. The kids are causing unpleasantness and ruining the summer for OP’s children and DH. Fine, DH is an adult and maybe should put up with it (debatable, but let’s leave that alone). OP’s kids have done nothing wrong and in taking care of well-being of her nieces/nephews, I fail to see why OP’s own children’s welfare should be thrown under the bus.

Related – the kids at issue are not 5. They are teens/pre-teens and really should know how to behave by now. I don’t care how much family turmoil they have – they should expect to either act properly or face the consequences. A family divorce is no excuse for being bratty nightmares to people who have nothing to do with it.

These kids are having a crisis. Their parents have abandoned them. Their family is in shreads. They are afraid and angry and taking it out on everyone around them. They're in a state of depression and grief.

OP's kids are having an unpleasant summer because their cousins are being asses. It's just some unpleasantness, though.

I don't think their unpleasant summer outweighs the needs of their cousins, who are in some serious shit.

Well, OP is not a shrink and she is supposed to take care of her OWN family not someone else's, no matter what their familial ties are.

Wow what a HORRIBLE attitude !