Friend hurt my feelings....am I bring overly sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi its OP here....OK first things first, to ME telling someone they look tired is rude. I always feel if you don't have something nice, positive or uplifting to say then dont' say it. It is rude because simply it implies the person does not look good. The irony here is that I was more decked out than usual and just to make my point a few people at this function actually went out of their way to tell me how good i looked so to hear that kind of threw me.

The lunch- these two are not friends, they are each my friend and know each other through me. I personally would not reach out to a friends friend and seek out a get together without including my mutual friend but that might just be me. I think its rude, wouldn't have given it a second thought if they were friends too but the only way they know each other is through me.

I am not claiming to not be sensitive, and own that but do not consider myself one to overreact.

You introduced them. They're allowed to form their own friendship. Maybe they hit it off. It's not a conspiracy against you.

The tired comment - I'm inclined to think nothing of it, but the tone and context would clearly make a difference, which you have and we don't. From most people, it means nothing but I do know a few people who would definitely mean to offend when saying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi its OP here....OK first things first, to ME telling someone they look tired is rude. I always feel if you don't have something nice, positive or uplifting to say then dont' say it. It is rude because simply it implies the person does not look good. The irony here is that I was more decked out than usual and just to make my point a few people at this function actually went out of their way to tell me how good i looked so to hear that kind of threw me.

The lunch- these two are not friends, they are each my friend and know each other through me. I personally would not reach out to a friends friend and seek out a get together without including my mutual friend but that might just be me. I think its rude, wouldn't have given it a second thought if they were friends too but the only way they know each other is through me.

I am not claiming to not be sensitive, and own that but do not consider myself one to overreact.

NP here. This is a case of glass half-full or glass half-empty. You can take "You look tired" as genuine concern for your well-being, as in "You look more tired than usual, is anything wrong? Is there anything I can do to help?" or as "You look crappy today, what's wrong with you?"

We frequently ask when someone has problems if anyone around them noticed that they were having issues and lament that no one called attention to it or reached out to them when they needed help. e.g. no one reached out in concern before someone snaps, commits suicide, hurts themselves or someone around them, or does something drastic. This pessimistic attitude of comments like the above contributes to why fewer people reach out to others in concern, because too many people take offense when someone expresses concern.

As for the lunch, once you introduce two people, even if they are acquainted through you, they are friends and can try to build up their friendship. It isn't rude for them to meet privately unless the exclusively meet privately and never include you. But frankly, I think the other way around it's rude of you to impose "ownership" on them and to try to control them. Friends shouldn't do this. I'm quite happy when I introduce friends if they hit it off. I have a busy enough life and lots of friends that I don't need to control their every interaction.

I agree that it sounds as if you have a pessimistic attitude in general and that you made the friend feel self-conscious, or as others have described it, she had to walk on eggshells around you because of your reaction.

[Anonymous]

But the friend said "you looked tired" on the phone the next day after seeing the OP. That's not trying to deflate her friend because she's jealous. That's concern.

Grow up, people. Not everyone has a hidden bitchy agenda.

[Anonymous]

I think you are overreacting and are a little insensitive. Just a tad.

She probably didn't mean anything mean by her comment of you looking tired, it was most likely a comment addressed out of concern for you rather than to tear you down. I wouldn't have taken offense to that.

Also, regarding the friend comment, she probably realized after she said it that not extending the invitation to you sounded rude even though she had not specifically asked the other friend if you could go. She knows that the other friend wouldn't mind if you attended though, thus the invite last second.

Unless these comments happen on a regular basis, I wouldn't take them too much to heart right now.

[Anonymous]

I think if someone says you look tired to show concern they might instead say 'you didn't quite seem yourself, do you look OK"? Most women are pretty vain and what if OP was feeling particularly good that day, talk about a deflater. I have a old friend who regularly told people she didn't like this as a way to cut them down, and sadly it worked. I found it highly offensive but maybe because I knew her agenda.

Re the two getting together, its not really wrong but truth be told the right thing to do would be to include you, but even more of an issue is how good of friends are these of yours? The more important they are to you makes it more relavent that you should not be left out, if they are casual friends I say let it go. Just my take on this.....relationships can be so fickle!

[Anonymous]

I always tell my girls, if someone makes you feel good and happy and uplifted then hang with them but to those who bring you down, feel toxic and don't have nice things to say..walk away now. The rules still apply to grownup friendships, she sounds insensitive at the least, so maybe time to do inventory and figure if shes really that good of a friend?

[Anonymous]

Three digs in one conversation? I would feel a bit uncomfortable, myself.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely hate it when people tell me I look tired. Either I"m not, and I just look like crap for no reason, or there's a reason and I may not feel like sharing.

[Anonymous]

You look tired is only really OK from a family member who you know cares for you unconditionally and truly has your best interest at heart. From anyone else but family I take it as a backhanded dig. Maybe its just me, call me insensitive, whatever that is how I feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never understood why "you look tired" is rude. For me, it comes off as concerned. sometimes when you see someone who genuinely looks tired, who has bags under their eyes and looks more gaunt than usual, "you look tired - are you ok?" should be a perfectly valid thing to say. I think the people who think it's rude are insecure people who think "you look tired" is code for "you look old."

the "are you ok if we go" is weird, but people should be allowed to do stuff with friends without feeling pressure to invite everyone else they know. sometimes you just want to grab lunch with one person, not 2 or 3.

The polite thing to ask to express concern is how are you, not you look tired. Learn some tact.

[Anonymous]

I second that....telling someone they look tired is on par with you look like shit. Who likes to be told this? Especially a woman!! I say it was wrong and rude. If she REALLY cared about how you are she would have just asked hey are you OK you didn't seem quite yourself, without implying you did not look great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never understood why "you look tired" is rude. For me, it comes off as concerned. sometimes when you see someone who genuinely looks tired, who has bags under their eyes and looks more gaunt than usual, "you look tired - are you ok?" should be a perfectly valid thing to say. I think the people who think it's rude are insecure people who think "you look tired" is code for "you look old."

the "are you ok if we go" is weird, but people should be allowed to do stuff with friends without feeling pressure to invite everyone else they know. sometimes you just want to grab lunch with one person, not 2 or 3.

+1

OP sounds overly sensitive and a kill joy.

[Anonymous]

"You look tired" is a shitty thing to say. There are so many other ways to say this IF you are genuinely expressing concern. Otherwise you are basically telling that person that they look like shit.
The fact that she went out of her way to say this to you the next day and and didn't' follow it up with something like "are you feeling okay, I'm concerned?" makes it worse. So yes, I agree with you on this part.

HOWEVER -I do not agree that she needs "permission" from you to make plans with this other person. You don't own the other friend. To think she needs to include you on this is ridiculous. We are all adults and allowed to make our own friends. If you think otherwise you are immature and possessive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that she felt like she had to ask your permission to meet up with another friend indicates you are probably prone to overreacting

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it doesnt matter what people say, it's their vibe. I have a friend I am distancing myself from bc whenever I leave her company or think about her I am stressed. Could I explain on DCUM exactly why? Typing out the examples would likely get unsupported responses. But I am a 30 year old woman who has enough experience to make a call, so I am going w it. Anyways, check your gut w this friend. Ask yourself if she was being clueless or backhanded. You know whats going on, I am sure. But I do also believe in assuming the best in people, FWIW.