adoption and evil SIL

[Anonymous]

It's not realistic to shun her or never let her near your kids again. It's very easy for someone on the internet to recommend this and toss this off as if you can simply write your SIL out of your life. Tell her the comment was deeply inappropriate, ask what it meant, and explain why it was wrong. Call her on such comments IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know it's hard to be confrontational. But you also let your daughter down, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband said nothing?!?!?! Wtf

My husband said "Honey, go to the other room with (child's name) and calm down. I will deal with them for the rest of the night and we can talk about it later."

NP, ok, your DH said that, but then what exactly did he say to his sister about her totally inappropriate and mean comment?

You are not overreacting to the cruel, ignorant thing your SIL said, but I'm still trying to understand what (if any) direct, specific conversation your DH or you had with her after she said this? If she thinks like this, what has been said to her that gives hope that possibly she will see it differently, or at least know better than to say anything like it again around all of you?

What would really also be annoying is if neither you nor your DH explained to your SIL why that comment is so offensive and also so hurtful to your younger child. And so ignorant. Not in a screaming, angry way, but in as calm (even if pissed) a way and tone possible. Did anyone talk to her directly about it, and what did they say? What was her reaction?

[Anonymous]

How horrible and hurtful.

I don't know what I'd do honestly, I just want express empathy at the pain you must feel for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband said nothing?!?!?! Wtf

My husband said "Honey, go to the other room with (child's name) and calm down. I will deal with them for the rest of the night and we can talk about it later."

NP, ok, your DH said that, but then what exactly did he say to his sister about her totally inappropriate and mean comment?

You are not overreacting to the cruel, ignorant thing your SIL said, but I'm still trying to understand what (if any) direct, specific conversation your DH or you had with her after she said this? If she thinks like this, what has been said to her that gives hope that possibly she will see it differently, or at least know better than to say anything like it again around all of you?

What would really also be annoying is if neither you nor your DH explained to your SIL why that comment is so offensive and also so hurtful to your younger child. And so ignorant. Not in a screaming, angry way, but in as calm (even if pissed) a way and tone possible. Did anyone talk to her directly about it, and what did they say? What was her reaction?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why her comment was racist, can someone explain?

Because both children are adopted but she only singled out the one of a different race as being "honorary"

OP - what did your DH say when you talked about it later? I think that is important info. What does he say about this impending visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not realistic to shun her or never let her near your kids again. It's very easy for someone on the internet to recommend this and toss this off as if you can simply write your SIL out of your life. Tell her the comment was deeply inappropriate, ask what it meant, and explain why it was wrong. Call her on such comments IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know it's hard to be confrontational. But you also let your daughter down, OP.

I'm sorry, but I find this post incredibly insensitive. The OP is already feeling terribly, she's hurting, her family's in a particular kind of jeopardy because you really can't (IMHO) recover from this totally -- you can move on, you can forgive, but you will always question what SIL's up to and I just don't think you can ever leave your children alone with her, frankly -- and you, PP, have to say 'you also let your daughter down'?

Sorry, but I think judging the OP here, which is what the post implies, is the last thing she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if keeping your DD away from your SIL is the way to go. Unfortunately, I think this isn't going to be the first time someone says something along the lines she did. Assuming you're open with your kids about their adoption, I would make your SIL an example of what you will not allow and demonstrate that your DD as much family as any other person. What a bitch.

Maybe not the first time, but who would expect crap like that from your own family. It also wouldn't matter if the kid looked exactly like her parents; it was the swipe at being adopted.

OP, obviously your SIL doesn't get it. A conversation b/f the next family get together is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband said nothing?!?!?! Wtf

My husband said "Honey, go to the other room with (child's name) and calm down. I will deal with them for the rest of the night and we can talk about it later."

NP, ok, your DH said that, but then what exactly did he say to his sister about her totally inappropriate and mean comment?

You are not overreacting to the cruel, ignorant thing your SIL said, but I'm still trying to understand what (if any) direct, specific conversation your DH or you had with her after she said this? If she thinks like this, what has been said to her that gives hope that possibly she will see it differently, or at least know better than to say anything like it again around all of you?

What would really also be annoying is if neither you nor your DH explained to your SIL why that comment is so offensive and also so hurtful to your younger child. And so ignorant. Not in a screaming, angry way, but in as calm (even if pissed) a way and tone possible. Did anyone talk to her directly about it, and what did they say? What was her reaction?

+1

People, read her first post. It's her brother's wife. Op, you need to talk to your brother and tell him that you are offended by what his wife said and that you can't get past it. Did he hear her say it? Hopefully, he did and called her on it later. Tell him that it needs to be fixed before July 4th because your child can't grow up hearing this stuff from family members -- even an honorary family member, like his wife, lol.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar family make up to yours, except that I have three adopted kids. If my SIL said something like this about my youngest, I probably would have said something at the time because I am not that good at controlling my mouth in such instances. But, if I hadn't, I would call my brother and my SIL (separately) to let them know how out of line this was and that comments like that better never happen again. If I had any doubt that my SIL would be anything but perfectly appropriate in the future, I want to say that I would cut them off. But, family is important and cutting them off sends a message to your children as well - one that I don't think I am comfortable sending to my kids. I'm guessing what I would actually do is that I would call my SIL out and embarrass her in front of everyone in the future.

I read where a PP mentioned that your youngest will hear such comments. I agree. But, for me, family should be totally accepting.

OP, you made me feel very lucky about the family I have. They have so many faults, but not accepting my choices about how to form my family is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

adult adoptee here. I would move to nip this behavior in the bud as soon as possible. I was never made to feel part of the family that I was adopted into, and as a result, I haven't had much to do with them after I graduated HS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMFG!!!! I've never said that online before -- but that is staggering.

I have one adopted child and one biological child. My bio child's father told him my other DC was not his "real" sibling. I said, Yes he is. Period.

You need to talk to her and your brother. Educate them. Or don't ever spend time with them.

They are not related by blood and, ergo, are my" real" siblings. They could marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally I am wary of people's rants against their SILs, but this is one of those times when you are not over-reacting. Your husband needs to have a chat with his backwards sister.

Most definitely!! OP, I've always been amazed and a bit turned off by various posters' rants about family members, but what you've described is truly unbelievable to me and just incredibly mean to your daughter. Would love to know your SIL's background...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband said nothing?!?!?! Wtf

My husband said "Honey, go to the other room with (child's name) and calm down. I will deal with them for the rest of the night and we can talk about it later."

NP, ok, your DH said that, but then what exactly did he say to his sister about her totally inappropriate and mean comment?

You are not overreacting to the cruel, ignorant thing your SIL said, but I'm still trying to understand what (if any) direct, specific conversation your DH or you had with her after she said this? If she thinks like this, what has been said to her that gives hope that possibly she will see it differently, or at least know better than to say anything like it again around all of you?

What would really also be annoying is if neither you nor your DH explained to your SIL why that comment is so offensive and also so hurtful to your younger child. And so ignorant. Not in a screaming, angry way, but in as calm (even if pissed) a way and tone possible. Did anyone talk to her directly about it, and what did they say? What was her reaction?

+1

People, read her first post. It's her brother's wife. Op, you need to talk to your brother and tell him that you are offended by what his wife said and that you can't get past it. Did he hear her say it? Hopefully, he did and called her on it later. Tell him that it needs to be fixed before July 4th because your child can't grow up hearing this stuff from family members -- even an honorary family member, like his wife, lol.

Ok, it's OP's brother's wife. That changes *nothing* about why it would still be ridiculous and cowardly if neither OP nor her DH found a way, in the moment or shortly after, to explain to her why that comment is unacceptable and hurtful. And untrue! Did that happen? Apparently not, and it's absolutely puzzling why not.

[Anonymous]

Hold your horses. Is this the first slight towards DC2?
If it is...

Before going ballistic on your SIL, you have to educate her.
You have to make time before the next party to talk to her, preferably with your husband, preferably in person.

This is very important. You both look her in the eyes, and you explain how and why her comment was so hurtful. That she should never say something like this ever again. That she can think whatever she likes, but not say it aloud. That hopefully she will think twice about relaying the same message to her own children, since you want the cousins to respect each other.

People make the most incredible comments about adoption all the time. My best friend with an adopted daughter from China has received mind-boggling remarks, and her daughter has been told at school that she is ugly because she's not white, and that her mother can't really be her mother. Not something you'd expect from elementary schoolers in the Washington DC area, right?

So... educate. And if that doesn't work, then limit contact.
Don't expect her to change her mind, even though she might, particularly as she becomes attached to DC2 as he grows up! But do demand respect at all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMFG!!!! I've never said that online before -- but that is staggering.

I have one adopted child and one biological child. My bio child's father told him my other DC was not his "real" sibling. I said, Yes he is. Period.

You need to talk to her and your brother. Educate them. Or don't ever spend time with them.

They are not related by blood and, ergo, are my" real" siblings. They could marry.

Only if they are related to Woody Allan. IRL they are "real" siblings -- though not biologically related -- so no, they could not marry.