Your poor relatives

[Anonymous]

It is a 529 account. Another thought would be if a relative wanted or needed to do something, that you would match half the cost AND be the direct purchaser of the item or the service for the individual. In this way, you would be forcing and yet hopefully teaching having a goal and saving or working towards it with the reward of effort attainable. But if patterns are repeated, you are unlikely to reverse them. If you ever earmark funds in a will, it would be best through a trust for very specific things or if for younger neices and nephews at a later stage in life - mid-30s when they may be established or value it as opposed to 21.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What to do really depends on (1) do they have actual needs that are going unmet - ie, shelter, food, medical care? Or are they wants? (2) Are your relatives asking for help?

If they're not asking and they aren't homeless or going hungry, then I can see this not going over well. If they need housing, you can arrange to pay whatever portion you're willing to of their rent to the landlord. If they need food, you can have groceries delivered (my dad did this so his nieces & nephew wouldn't go hungry). If they need medical care and the kids don't qualify for medicaid, you can buy the family a simple plan through the new health exchanges - those are surprisingly affordable.

If they want other stuff and are asking, obviously if you say yes once it means you'll be perceived as the family bank going forward - and "loans" aren't actually going to get repaid. I don't have the stomach to play that[vimeo] role, my DH is more patient with it but I had to put in place a rule that we don't issue "loans" without both our approval, since our finances are joint. With the ILs knowing that I'll be involved, they're less inclined to ask and more likely to actually pay back.

Unfortunately, money is fungible. Its hard to say no to needs, ie send money for food for the children, or even deliver groceries. But it is annoying because you know they dont have money for needs, because they spent their money on wants a week ago. So even though, technically you are giving them money for necessities, the result is enabling them to get their wants.

That's why I didn't suggest sending money. If you feel sending groceries is the same as sending a check, then you shouldn't send anything since you'll resent it either way.

[Anonymous]

We're the "poor" relatives!
We make about the median income for Montgomery County, but our families make even more, in various parts of the world.

My parents are highly critical of our low-paying jobs (in medical research, curing cancer and all that), and even though they often offer to help, we've learnt to refuse politely, because it always comes with so much sickening guilt-inducing strings.

My BIL on the other hand had been extremely generous in times of stress and has never expected anything in return. If ever our positions are reversed one day, we will return the favor.

So... you can help, OP, as long as there are no strings attached. On way of doing this it to make it specific, such as settling the rent, or paying a medical bill, or doing the back to school shopping for their kids. But never hand them cash if you feel they don't have their priorities straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just based on what you wrote, no you shouldn't do it. It sounds very jerky. Either you give money free of strings or you do not. Unless they are your children, I don't thnk you should be in the business of "teaching" them things. That is very condescending and isn't going to make for a harmonious extended family life.

We have family members who are much less well off than we are. We give generously for things like weddings, showers, holidays, etc. If there was a serious emergency (health, disaster, etc), we of course would step up and cover things. But short of that, it isn't our place to try to rework their lives unless someone expressly asks for that sort of help.

Another thing to think about is how your success was based in part on a lot of luck. Maybe that will help you be a little more kind spirited.

+1. I learned long ago if people think they can always depend on you to help out with money situations they will get upset if you stop helping out because they start depending on it. Emotionally, there is an awkward feeling of not being equals in being able to handle things when someone is always the giver and the other the receiver. I sure as heck can't comment on how the money is used or complain that they took a trip to Florida but have not paid back a penny they borrowed, because then I am either being controlling at worst or not treating the person as an adult that can make decisions on his/her own. End result is someone is mad AND I'm out the money. I figure either they can be mad because I won't give money AND I still have the money and I'm not mad/resentful or they don't even get mad because they know I won't give out money and they figure something else out.

I really feel a gift is given of free will and if I can't deal with how someone may use it, I shouldn't give them the money. I won't lend money, it's either a freely given gift or doesn't happen. I'm not trying to teach a grown adult money management, if living with the consequences isn't enough to have someone want to change things than giving money and not letting him/her live with the consequences of their decisions won't change anything for sure.

I will do things like nice gifts, something that I no longer use like tv, first dibs for family, contributing to nieces savings account, paying for ticket to visit, but nothing over the top/lady of the manor and nothing that sets an expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What to do really depends on (1) do they have actual needs that are going unmet - ie, shelter, food, medical care? Or are they wants? (2) Are your relatives asking for help?

If they're not asking and they aren't homeless or going hungry, then I can see this not going over well. If they need housing, you can arrange to pay whatever portion you're willing to of their rent to the landlord. If they need food, you can have groceries delivered (my dad did this so his nieces & nephew wouldn't go hungry). If they need medical care and the kids don't qualify for medicaid, you can buy the family a simple plan through the new health exchanges - those are surprisingly affordable.

If they want other stuff and are asking, obviously if you say yes once it means you'll be perceived as the family bank going forward - and "loans" aren't actually going to get repaid. I don't have the stomach to play that role, my DH is more patient with it but I had to put in place a rule that we don't issue "loans" without both our approval, since our finances are joint. With the ILs knowing that I'll be involved, they're less inclined to ask and more likely to actually pay back.

NP here. Your guidelines are helpful and I will use them with my relatives.

[Anonymous]

Poster here who wrote about her mother. After thinking about it this weekend, I have decided to not try to help. It has been very helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about a poor parent? New poster here. but i am in a similar situation with my mother. She is nutso crazy with money, and cannot manage it to save her life. She told me she has $1.50 in her bank account and has managed to "reschedule" most major bills this month, including her mortgage, electric, etc, but is going on a $400 trip next weekend, paid for a while back. While I don't begrudge her some pleasure, it is clear she would be better to put that money towards her various bills. I am thinking of sending her a small amount of money towards a particular bill, but wondering if I am opening a can of worms. We do not have a lot of money, and work around the clock. We have three small children, and I know the money would be better spent on them. Afterall, she has had her chances, and royally screwed everything up multiple times. For the record, we are not close, she was a terrible parent, struggles with mental illness, and is quite vicious with me. She doesn't spend time with us and does not know her grandchildren. But I still feel guilty. My greatest fear is that if I help her out once it opens the door to her expecting that in the future. What to do...? Any advice?

Don't give her money or pay her bills. But try to set aside a little money each month to build a lump sum in case she gets herself in a true emergency (i.e., about to become homeless). Whatever money you give her now will not do her any real good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about a poor parent? New poster here. but i am in a similar situation with my mother. She is nutso crazy with money, and cannot manage it to save her life. She told me she has $1.50 in her bank account and has managed to "reschedule" most major bills this month, including her mortgage, electric, etc, but is going on a $400 trip next weekend, paid for a while back. While I don't begrudge her some pleasure, it is clear she would be better to put that money towards her various bills. I am thinking of sending her a small amount of money towards a particular bill, but wondering if I am opening a can of worms. We do not have a lot of money, and work around the clock. We have three small children, and I know the money would be better spent on them. Afterall, she has had her chances, and royally screwed everything up multiple times. For the record, we are not close, she was a terrible parent, struggles with mental illness, and is quite vicious with me. She doesn't spend time with us and does not know her grandchildren. But I still feel guilty. My greatest fear is that if I help her out once it opens the door to her expecting that in the future. What to do...? Any advice?

Don't give her money or pay her bills. But try to set aside a little money each month to build a lump sum in case she gets herself in a true emergency (i.e., about to become homeless). Whatever money you give her now will not do her any real good.

That is a great idea. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about a poor parent? New poster here. but i am in a similar situation with my mother. She is nutso crazy with money, and cannot manage it to save her life. She told me she has $1.50 in her bank account and has managed to "reschedule" most major bills this month, including her mortgage, electric, etc, but is going on a $400 trip next weekend, paid for a while back. While I don't begrudge her some pleasure, it is clear she would be better to put that money towards her various bills. I am thinking of sending her a small amount of money towards a particular bill, but wondering if I am opening a can of worms. We do not have a lot of money, and work around the clock. We have three small children, and I know the money would be better spent on them. Afterall, she has had her chances, and royally screwed everything up multiple times. For the record, we are not close, she was a terrible parent, struggles with mental illness, and is quite vicious with me. She doesn't spend time with us and does not know her grandchildren. But I still feel guilty. My greatest fear is that if I help her out once it opens the door to her expecting that in the future. What to do...? Any advice?

Don't give her money or pay her bills. But try to set aside a little money each month to build a lump sum in case she gets herself in a true emergency (i.e., about to become homeless). Whatever money you give her now will not do her any real good.

That is a great idea. Thank you.

NP here. Make sure she knows nothing of this account. Otherwise she will feel entitled to it. If, at some point, she digs such a deep hole that she needs really help, you may be able to help. If not, then you have a great vacation!

[Anonymous]

We have employed useless, entitled, bitter siblings, OP, so I empathize with you. Just know that if you give certain people an inch, they think they are a ruler. Just say no!