Your ("straight") husband is trying to f*ck me (gay guy). What to do?

[Anonymous]

This is not as appealing as the "Unkempt Man" thread.

[Anonymous]

Document and never be alone with him. If he's married, he may claim to HR "that homo came on to me" and he is likely to be believed. Sorry, OP, that you have to deal with such a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I call troll.

Why would a 25 year old gay dude be on this site? 25 year old gay men have MUCH better things to be doing than checking out DCUM for the latest housewife scoop.

Plus, married, closet gay guys are way more on the DL than this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -

So he called me ask me about seeing Godzilla on Friday and I said I didn't think it was a good idea. I sort of jokingly said that he should probably stop coming onto me before he gets himself into trouble. His response: "You let me worry about that. You just think about whether or not you're free on Friday night." Then he said he had to go and he'd come by later.

I suppose I'll have to aggressively turn him down. I honestly hate tension and certainly don't want to have any at work.

I think I would just give him the cold shoulder for a while. Be professional but not friendly. Certainly no joking or giggling around him - it sounds as though you're laughing because he makes you feel uncomfortable but it sounds as though he might be taking your laughs as a sign that you like him, too, which is NOT what you want.

But really Op, it sounds as though this guy has crossed some lines - big time - with his behavior towards you. If he doesn't take the hint and leave you the heck alone, I would go to HR and see what they advise.

[Anonymous]

OP here again -

Call me whatever you want but this site attracts a lot more than just 40yr + parents.

_____

Alright, so he came by to check in on whether or not I was up for the movie. I told him that I thought it was highly inappropriate considering he's married. His response wasn't what I expected. He responded by saying that if I was worried about his wife that I shouldn't be because she's well aware of his activities. I told him while that is very interesting (What? It is. lol) that I still don't want him making advances because it makes me uncomfortable. He apologized. We'll see how this goes. People are strange.

[Anonymous]

Op, can you share how can tell if a guys is gay. Have you been wrong before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you share how can tell if a guys is gay. Have you been wrong before?

Not OP but straight American men don't touch other men there outside of athletic situations or applying a tourniquet. Were you Greco-Roman wrestling, OP? Or perhaps, you had just stepped on a Cambodian land mine?

I'm not sure OP isn't a troll, buuuuuut, it's credible that he'd think a man touching him there was gay/bi/curious.

[Anonymous]

OP, is he much older than you? Is this making you uncomfortable at work? This really is harassment and you don't have to put up with it.

I agree with other posters who have indicated you should document this. Keep a file on your computer; detail the dates and the objectionable actions. Keep it, and if you need it you will have a handy record.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell the guy, "You're married and I'm not interested."

+1 or to avoid the personal rejection part (no sense pissing him off if you don't have to) How about,

"I just don't date anyone who is in a committed relationship"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you share how can tell if a guys is gay. Have you been wrong before?

I really can't tell you how to "know" but I've never been wrong when I've had an opportunity to confirm it for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is he much older than you? Is this making you uncomfortable at work? This really is harassment and you don't have to put up with it.

I agree with other posters who have indicated you should document this. Keep a file on your computer; detail the dates and the objectionable actions. Keep it, and if you need it you will have a handy record.

He's in his early 30s and while it was/is uncomfortable I don't want to go to anyone to report it if I don't have to. Outing a guy because he's coming onto me isn't something I would feel good about. I'm keeping notes, etc. I think he'll respect what I told him but now I'm sort of interested to know how he and his wife get along while he's out picking up dudes. Not the first time this has happened to me in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you share how can tell if a guys is gay. Have you been wrong before?

I really can't tell you how to "know" but I've never been wrong when I've had an opportunity to confirm it for myself.

It very obvious that this colleague is not only sexually inappropriate but is exploiting your "younger age." You are going to have to "man up" and stop avoiding confrontation. Confrontation is uncomfortable but you can stop this before it turns into a human resources incident.

Like some of the others have said, you need to be very firm and tell him that you don't date colleagues. As long as you keep a friendly but professional stance, you should be OK. Whatever you do, avoid being too casual with him as that might encourage him to continue with the flirtation.

Good luck--nothing is worse than a married horndog on the downlow.

[Anonymous]

OP, there's something else. This happened to me before I was married and I am going off memory, but I bet the lawyers here can correct if my language is wrong--but you will get the gist.

The "repeated" or the "over a period of time" part of the harassment claim starts *after* you've *clearly* stated that you want him to stop the behavior. But to just say it, privately between the two of you--well there's no proof. It becomes a "he said/he said" situation (he said/she said). He will say you were ambiguous and never told him to stop, so it doesn't constitute repeated unwanted behavior.

You need to email him something that is a clear request to stop, and then save the email. Go find the requirements for the jurisdiction of your workplace (DC, VA, or MD I assume).

This email could be a friendly, "Larlo, I was thinking about our conversation yesterday, and I just want to make sure you understand that while your advances are flattering, I am not interested in any sort of physical relationship with anyone at work, and/or anyone in a committed relationship. I just want to make it clear that I want you to stop your advances so we can continue to have a productive and professional working relationship. I plan to put it all behind us and not mention it again. Thanks. OP"

Don't just say you are not interested, you have to say he needs to stop. (At least that was true in MA when I had to do this). Also, I added the last sentence to let him know you are not running to HR right now so he has no need to freak out about that. (Now HE might run to HR to say you are the aggressor, but you've got that time stamp on your email so it will be clear he did that after you sent your email.)

Look up the statute and make the email as soft as you like but include what you need to make it a piece of proof.

The other way to go is to have a witness, but…yikes…and then witnesses often "forget" if they actually think they'll be dragged into something.

Keep us informed, OP, and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Uh forget about telling his wife.

This guy is sexually harassing you +you need to put a stop to it now!! He has no right touching you in such an intimate fashion regardless of your sexual orientation. I would slap his hand if he did that to me. What nerve!! This is a free country, but not that FREE!!!!!!


Have a talk w/him + stress to him that what he did was totally unacceptable and that you are not interested in him and to please keep his hands to himself or you will have no other choice but to tell his wife.

That should keep his hands in his pockets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's something else. This happened to me before I was married and I am going off memory, but I bet the lawyers here can correct if my language is wrong--but you will get the gist.

The "repeated" or the "over a period of time" part of the harassment claim starts *after* you've *clearly* stated that you want him to stop the behavior. But to just say it, privately between the two of you--well there's no proof. It becomes a "he said/he said" situation (he said/she said). He will say you were ambiguous and never told him to stop, so it doesn't constitute repeated unwanted behavior.

You need to email him something that is a clear request to stop, and then save the email. Go find the requirements for the jurisdiction of your workplace (DC, VA, or MD I assume).

This email could be a friendly, "Larlo, I was thinking about our conversation yesterday, and I just want to make sure you understand that while your advances are flattering, I am not interested in any sort of physical relationship with anyone at work, and/or anyone in a committed relationship. I just want to make it clear that I want you to stop your advances so we can continue to have a productive and professional working relationship. I plan to put it all behind us and not mention it again. Thanks. OP"

Don't just say you are not interested, you have to say he needs to stop. (At least that was true in MA when I had to do this). Also, I added the last sentence to let him know you are not running to HR right now so he has no need to freak out about that. (Now HE might run to HR to say you are the aggressor, but you've got that time stamp on your email so it will be clear he did that after you sent your email.)

Look up the statute and make the email as soft as you like but include what you need to make it a piece of proof.

The other way to go is to have a witness, but…yikes…and then witnesses often "forget" if they actually think they'll be dragged into something.

Keep us informed, OP, and good luck.

That is great advice. Thanks. I'll definitely do this