Excluded one in the family

[Anonymous]

OP, I read your post back when it first went up, then just saw this link in a different post about being the family scapegoat. It reminded me of your struggle. Best of luck to you.

http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I originally just said nothing, that I had no plans. But then my dad asked why not, as if there was something wrong with me because I didn't. So I felt the need to point out that part of the reason why I did not have plans was that my family did not include me in their celebrations, and Easter tends to be a family holiday. It's not like I was sitting alone on on New Year's Eve, when it's more normal to spend time with friends and family.

You don't have to leave the door open for your family to include you. It should be a given. They should be talking to you ahead of time to make arrangements to get together -- that would be the only appropriate way to ask "what are your plans for the holiday."

OP, I wish you could come to our house for holidays.

[Anonymous]

OP do you want to be invited or do you want to go? There's a difference.

I would have said "If I'm not excluded that's great, I'd love to come. I was debating asking dear sister but thought she may be excluding me intentionally. Glad to hear that isn't the case. What time is it starting and what should a I bring. " I would have then emailed the sibling host and said "Was talking to Dad and he said that you would love to have me over for Easter too. I'm looking forward to coming, let me know what I can bring."

In the above situation, they would not say no unless they have a strong reason to do so. They also can't ignore it and have the party without you in the above situation. If they want you out, they have to say so explicitly now which would be awkward for them.

In your version, you've conveyed that you were hurt that you weren't invited. Your dad has to decide whether he wants to say anything to the sibling host and get you a formal invitation. The sibling host and your parents now will feel that you are expecting an apology. They may all worry that there will be drama now at the party. It may be easier for them to just ignore the situation and not respond to you pretending nothing happened.

[Anonymous]

Do you know who's in control in your family? Your dad sounds passive - is it your mom or one or more of your siblings, maybe? It sounds so sad and I hope you had a nice Easter despite them.

[Anonymous]

I would have called them all one by one on cell phones to say hi right in the middle of dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be reading all signs wrong. They might think you aren't interested because you are young and single.

Call your sibling and ask if you can stop by for Easter if they have room and bring something. Then start asking about plans from time to time and calling to check in more.

If your sib says no then you have a case. Or you have a long family history of favoritism during your childhood... Until then I'm not convinced.

We did this to my sister. We planned family vacations secretly so we could go without her (she was the first to leave the house) but she found out and cried and caused a scene, so she came along. Fast forward several years and now I am the pariah to my family and my sister in not. There really are some seriously unhealthy people out there. OP is better off without them.

Sometimes what goes around comes around.

+1. Karma's a beach sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell them that you feel excluded. They might not realize it. At least tell your parents. No parent would want their child to feel this way.

I wouldn't be surprised if this treatment originated with the parents. Perhaps they only want to be around their successful children. Sorry, OP. It stinks but you are better off without all the snarky remarks and attitude you would be exposed to during the vacation.

Op here. I talked to my dad on the phone a few days ago.

Dad: what are you doing for Easter this weekend?
Me: uh, nothing.
Dad: why aren't you doing anything?
Me:Easter tends to be a family holiday. My family did not include me in the holiday.
Dad: we didn't exclude you.
Me: well, no one invited me.
Dad: (silence.) well.
Me: I'm not invited, am I? No one has invited me.
Dad: (pause) well.....
Me: you know, I don't have a family of my own, so when my siblings and parents exclude me from holidays, it leaves me with no family to spend holidays with. That feels pretty lonely. I also wasn't included in the family get together last summer and thanksgiving was planned without my input.
Dad: well.
Pause.
Me: well, guess I'll go now. Have a good night.

Haven't heard from anybody.

It sounds like you just want to be heard and acknowledged. Is that right? In that case, you've made your point and you can't control how they react.

If your objective was to be included in this event and others going forward, then I'm not sure this approach is the most effective. It kind of just makes everyone feel awkward and doesn't offer any solutions. Maybe if you had just left it at "I don't have any plans" then that would have left the door open for them to invite you, or to at least be aware that you don't have other plans, but with the way you put it - it sounds like you're mad at them and even if you were invited at this point, it would just be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone because you'd still resent not being invited from the get go. So people probably aren't going to feel at ease inviting you at this point, though hopefully they'll proactively include you in the next holiday.

I disagree. I think that was the absolute best and mature way to handle it. Good job OP. I'm sorry that's going on. I hope they ruminate on what you stated here.

Agreed. She was honest about her feelings instead of passive aggressive. OP, I would use this as motivation. I bet once your life improves, your parents will want some credit for it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I can't imagine doing this to my grown children or participating in excluding someone in the family. Well, unless they were unwanted because they were gonna go off and do heroin during our Easter dinner or something awful like that kwim. Sounds like your family sucks. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Scapegoating of this sort is far more common that you might realize. The above link provided by a PP is pretty accurate and helpful. It would probably be worth talking to a therapist to work through the painful feelings about it. It may never change, and it's a very painful thing, and it'd be good to get some family theory perspective on what's going on, and some tips for how to move on with your life.

Most of the time the scapegoat is either the weakest (or perceived as weakest) child in the family, and/or the one who refuses to fall in line with whatever family facade is at play. I know how painful this can be because I'm going through it right now too. I was actually the "golden child" for my whole life, the one who could do no wrong, who everyone enjoyed and admired. Then I had a baby, experienced some serious post partum depression, was no longer my confident go-to self, and the previous scapegoat/black sheep family member happened to be doing better than she ever had, and she and I basically traded places. Neither one of us could believe it, and both of us laugh about it. We're the only ones (of five kids) who "get it", because we're the only ones who've been in the disfavored role. Anyway it sucks so much and I'm really sorry. Bottom line is to protect yourself from them however you need to, and to nurture yourself and create your own friend/family network outside of your blood relatives, who may always treat you like shit (I'm sorry to say). The goal is to stop caring what they do and think. I haven't remotely reached this goal yet, but I have come a long way and am going to keep working on myself.

I think the conversation with your dad was perfect. Honest without being overly emotional and playing into whatever drama they may be trying to create.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoating of this sort is far more common that you might realize. The above link provided by a PP is pretty accurate and helpful. It would probably be worth talking to a therapist to work through the painful feelings about it. It may never change, and it's a very painful thing, and it'd be good to get some family theory perspective on what's going on, and some tips for how to move on with your life.

Most of the time the scapegoat is either the weakest (or perceived as weakest) child in the family, and/or the one who refuses to fall in line with whatever family facade is at play. I know how painful this can be because I'm going through it right now too. I was actually the "golden child" for my whole life, the one who could do no wrong, who everyone enjoyed and admired. Then I had a baby, experienced some serious post partum depression, was no longer my confident go-to self, and the previous scapegoat/black sheep family member happened to be doing better than she ever had, and she and I basically traded places. Neither one of us could believe it, and both of us laugh about it. We're the only ones (of five kids) who "get it", because we're the only ones who've been in the disfavored role. Anyway it sucks so much and I'm really sorry. Bottom line is to protect yourself from them however you need to, and to nurture yourself and create your own friend/family network outside of your blood relatives, who may always treat you like shit (I'm sorry to say). The goal is to stop caring what they do and think. I haven't remotely reached this goal yet, but I have come a long way and am going to keep working on myself.

I think the conversation with your dad was perfect. Honest without being overly emotional and playing into whatever drama they may be trying to create.

Wow. This sounds so much like my situation. I can't believe someone else has experienced this. I've read about these dynamics and understand it much more, but I haven't read about our situation - where the roles reverse. It is extremely unsettling on every level. At least in your family, your sibling understands and sees the dynamic enough for you to laugh about it. My family doesn't have anyone else who sees what's going on. My sister - the previous excluded one, now the golden child - is so happy to have the "love" of my parents that she'd never see the manipulation involved in all of this. In my case, I got married, had a sick child and, for a time, a sick spouse. I guess that just wasnt "fun" for them. In her case, she married a very wealthy man and, suddenly my parents went from saying horrible things to and about her (like: she's crazy, they don't like her, they only love her because they have to, she's fat, no one likes her, etc) to spending every vacation with her and acting as though everything she does is perfect (oh yeah, and they have expunged all memory of ever having had negative thoughts/words about her).

I would really welcome a sibling who could acknowledge this insanity and reversal. Luckily my husband has seen this for years and years and has seen it all - so he does understand. I think if I hadn't seen it and experienced it for myself I wouldn't believe this type of family dynamic was possible.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry that your family is excluding you like this. I think you did the right thing to be honest with your father about your feelings. Is he usually more responsive or articulate? Or was that pretty typical? Was he the right family member to talk to in terms of having someone really listen/understand you?

Anyway, keep the door open, but keep your expectations low. I hope things get better for you.

[Anonymous]

I knew scapegoating like this happens in families other than mine, but somehow it's startling to read DCUM posts describing situations that have such familiar dynamics.

I'm sorry for your family's exclusion dynamic, OP. You're not alone. Here's some food for thought. When I let go of my family - completely let go - I went through a very painful period of reflection, but then came out of that period so much happier than ever.

While I was still holding on to family relationships, I was stuck. Sounds like you might be stuck, too, in various areas of your life. I wonder if, like me, you might need to dis-engage from your family on a fundamental level in order to be able to move forward in accomplishing what's important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoating of this sort is far more common that you might realize. The above link provided by a PP is pretty accurate and helpful. It would probably be worth talking to a therapist to work through the painful feelings about it. It may never change, and it's a very painful thing, and it'd be good to get some family theory perspective on what's going on, and some tips for how to move on with your life.

Most of the time the scapegoat is either the weakest (or perceived as weakest) child in the family, and/or the one who refuses to fall in line with whatever family facade is at play. I know how painful this can be because I'm going through it right now too. I was actually the "golden child" for my whole life, the one who could do no wrong, who everyone enjoyed and admired. Then I had a baby, experienced some serious post partum depression, was no longer my confident go-to self, and the previous scapegoat/black sheep family member happened to be doing better than she ever had, and she and I basically traded places. Neither one of us could believe it, and both of us laugh about it. We're the only ones (of five kids) who "get it", because we're the only ones who've been in the disfavored role. Anyway it sucks so much and I'm really sorry. Bottom line is to protect yourself from them however you need to, and to nurture yourself and create your own friend/family network outside of your blood relatives, who may always treat you like shit (I'm sorry to say). The goal is to stop caring what they do and think. I haven't remotely reached this goal yet, but I have come a long way and am going to keep working on myself.

I think the conversation with your dad was perfect. Honest without being overly emotional and playing into whatever drama they may be trying to create.

Wow. This sounds so much like my situation. I can't believe someone else has experienced this. I've read about these dynamics and understand it much more, but I haven't read about our situation - where the roles reverse. It is extremely unsettling on every level. At least in your family, your sibling understands and sees the dynamic enough for you to laugh about it. My family doesn't have anyone else who sees what's going on. My sister - the previous excluded one, now the golden child - is so happy to have the "love" of my parents that she'd never see the manipulation involved in all of this. In my case, I got married, had a sick child and, for a time, a sick spouse. I guess that just wasnt "fun" for them. In her case, she married a very wealthy man and, suddenly my parents went from saying horrible things to and about her (like: she's crazy, they don't like her, they only love her because they have to, she's fat, no one likes her, etc) to spending every vacation with her and acting as though everything she does is perfect (oh yeah, and they have expunged all memory of ever having had negative thoughts/words about her).

I would really welcome a sibling who could acknowledge this insanity and reversal. Luckily my husband has seen this for years and years and has seen it all - so he does understand. I think if I hadn't seen it and experienced it for myself I wouldn't believe this type of family dynamic was possible.

This is just like me. I already posted that we used to treat my sister badly and now it's me who's excluded (and got flamed for my post). In my case, my sister had the first grandchild which is what changed things. I was floored the first time she said my mother had talked negatively about me to her. Floored.

I will never do this to my children.