Excluded one in the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone want to go on a family vacation with extended family? When I was young, we did this, but as an adult with a family, we don't go with our extended family. Our Family vacations are to focus on our core family, DH, DW and 2 DD. No one else is invited so no drama.

You are young and single. They probably feel you'd rather be out with your friends than a "boring" family vacation.

Thanks. I'm not that young.

I definitely don't feel bad if it's just one family going on vacation. They totally have the right to vacation without extended family. But when my parents and other members are included and I am not, and I don't have my own family, it feels pretty bad.

[Anonymous]

So you haven't done anything previously to make the exclude you? I find it hard to believe that the entire family is ok excluding you. Perhaps in the past you made it clear you didn't want to be invited or spend money on vacations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be reading all signs wrong. They might think you aren't interested because you are young and single.

Call your sibling and ask if you can stop by for Easter if they have room and bring something. Then start asking about plans from time to time and calling to check in more.

If your sib says no then you have a case. Or you have a long family history of favoritism during your childhood... Until then I'm not convinced.

We did this to my sister. We planned family vacations secretly so we could go without her (she was the first to leave the house) but she found out and cried and caused a scene, so she came along. Fast forward several years and now I am the pariah to my family and my sister in not. There really are some seriously unhealthy people out there. OP is better off without them.

Sometimes what goes around comes around.

Well, I was a kid so I can't really take responsibility for what we did to my sister, but i can say that I regret my part in that. I was being a good kid by going along with my parents' attitude. I know better now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be reading all signs wrong. They might think you aren't interested because you are young and single.

Call your sibling and ask if you can stop by for Easter if they have room and bring something. Then start asking about plans from time to time and calling to check in more.

If your sib says no then you have a case. Or you have a long family history of favoritism during your childhood... Until then I'm not convinced.

We did this to my sister. We planned family vacations secretly so we could go without her (she was the first to leave the house) but she found out and cried and caused a scene, so she came along. Fast forward several years and now I am the pariah to my family and my sister in not. There really are some seriously unhealthy people out there. OP is better off without them.

Wow. What in the hell is wrong with you? It sounds like your sister and rest of the family is better off without you.

How is that? I was a child. My parents were responsible for shunning first my sister, and then me. I thought they were right because they were my parents. My point is that now I know better.

[Anonymous]

Op here. So 15.46, sounds like you have a family dynamic where one person winds up being scapegoated and excluded?

I feel like my own sibling did that to me most of my life, but not successfully enough to get others to go along with it. I think part of the problem is one of my siblings spouses comes from a family that likes to exclude people and my in law has carried this dynamic into my family.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that sucks. When you all do get together, are the gatherings joyous and fun? I had an uncle who would go years without seeing family - only show up for weddings and the like. My aunts always complained that he never could make time for family, but then when he did, he got to spend the whole night hearing grief for all the other family events he had missed. Unless they wanted money, then they'd be nice. So, overall it was pretty miserable for him to come to anything with his sisters.

Obviously, that's not your exact situation, but when you are at family functions, you aren't guilt tripping everyone about all the things you weren't invited to, right? As long as you're not being miserable and ruining the family function for everyone else, then I think it's really wrong of your family to exclude you. I have a brother who's really hot headed and tends to make a scene, but we all know the deal and we all deescalate together - even with that, we never exclude him from stuff. He's family and always welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be reading all signs wrong. They might think you aren't interested because you are young and single.

Call your sibling and ask if you can stop by for Easter if they have room and bring something. Then start asking about plans from time to time and calling to check in more.

If your sib says no then you have a case. Or you have a long family history of favoritism during your childhood... Until then I'm not convinced.

We did this to my sister. We planned family vacations secretly so we could go without her (she was the first to leave the house) but she found out and cried and caused a scene, so she came along. Fast forward several years and now I am the pariah to my family and my sister in not. There really are some seriously unhealthy people out there. OP is better off without them.

Wow. What in the hell is wrong with you? It sounds like your sister and rest of the family is better off without you.

How is that? I was a child. My parents were responsible for shunning first my sister, and then me. I thought they were right because they were my parents. My point is that now I know better.

I understand this family dynamic. PP, as many children do, was siding with her parents out of loyalty. Now that she has separated as an adult and experienced it herself, she realizes how dysfunctional and wrong it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell them that you feel excluded. They might not realize it. At least tell your parents. No parent would want their child to feel this way.

I wouldn't be surprised if this treatment originated with the parents. Perhaps they only want to be around their successful children. Sorry, OP. It stinks but you are better off without all the snarky remarks and attitude you would be exposed to during the vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell them that you feel excluded. They might not realize it. At least tell your parents. No parent would want their child to feel this way.

I wouldn't be surprised if this treatment originated with the parents. Perhaps they only want to be around their successful children. Sorry, OP. It stinks but you are better off without all the snarky remarks and attitude you would be exposed to during the vacation.

Op here. I talked to my dad on the phone a few days ago.

Dad: what are you doing for Easter this weekend?
Me: uh, nothing.
Dad: why aren't you doing anything?
Me:Easter tends to be a family holiday. My family did not include me in the holiday.
Dad: we didn't exclude you.
Me: well, no one invited me.
Dad: (silence.) well.
Me: I'm not invited, am I? No one has invited me.
Dad: (pause) well.....
Me: you know, I don't have a family of my own, so when my siblings and parents exclude me from holidays, it leaves me with no family to spend holidays with. That feels pretty lonely. I also wasn't included in the family get together last summer and thanksgiving was planned without my input.
Dad: well.
Pause.
Me: well, guess I'll go now. Have a good night.

Haven't heard from anybody.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God, OP. This is so sad and strange. I'm really sorry. Have a great dinner with friends and make the best of it. But I have no insights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell them that you feel excluded. They might not realize it. At least tell your parents. No parent would want their child to feel this way.

I wouldn't be surprised if this treatment originated with the parents. Perhaps they only want to be around their successful children. Sorry, OP. It stinks but you are better off without all the snarky remarks and attitude you would be exposed to during the vacation.

Op here. I talked to my dad on the phone a few days ago.

Dad: what are you doing for Easter this weekend?
Me: uh, nothing.
Dad: why aren't you doing anything?
Me:Easter tends to be a family holiday. My family did not include me in the holiday.
Dad: we didn't exclude you.
Me: well, no one invited me.
Dad: (silence.) well.
Me: I'm not invited, am I? No one has invited me.
Dad: (pause) well.....
Me: you know, I don't have a family of my own, so when my siblings and parents exclude me from holidays, it leaves me with no family to spend holidays with. That feels pretty lonely. I also wasn't included in the family get together last summer and thanksgiving was planned without my input.
Dad: well.
Pause.
Me: well, guess I'll go now. Have a good night.

Haven't heard from anybody.

It sounds like you just want to be heard and acknowledged. Is that right? In that case, you've made your point and you can't control how they react.

If your objective was to be included in this event and others going forward, then I'm not sure this approach is the most effective. It kind of just makes everyone feel awkward and doesn't offer any solutions. Maybe if you had just left it at "I don't have any plans" then that would have left the door open for them to invite you, or to at least be aware that you don't have other plans, but with the way you put it - it sounds like you're mad at them and even if you were invited at this point, it would just be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone because you'd still resent not being invited from the get go. So people probably aren't going to feel at ease inviting you at this point, though hopefully they'll proactively include you in the next holiday.

[Anonymous]

Well, I originally just said nothing, that I had no plans. But then my dad asked why not, as if there was something wrong with me because I didn't. So I felt the need to point out that part of the reason why I did not have plans was that my family did not include me in their celebrations, and Easter tends to be a family holiday. It's not like I was sitting alone on on New Year's Eve, when it's more normal to spend time with friends and family.

[Anonymous]

After a lifetime of struggling to be included and valued by the family and failing, I think I just need to distance myself and move on from them. It's just lonely. I had tons of friends in my twenties but now most of them are married and raising their own families. I have some single friends, but not as many as before obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell them that you feel excluded. They might not realize it. At least tell your parents. No parent would want their child to feel this way.

I wouldn't be surprised if this treatment originated with the parents. Perhaps they only want to be around their successful children. Sorry, OP. It stinks but you are better off without all the snarky remarks and attitude you would be exposed to during the vacation.

Op here. I talked to my dad on the phone a few days ago.

Dad: what are you doing for Easter this weekend?
Me: uh, nothing.
Dad: why aren't you doing anything?
Me:Easter tends to be a family holiday. My family did not include me in the holiday.
Dad: we didn't exclude you.
Me: well, no one invited me.
Dad: (silence.) well.
Me: I'm not invited, am I? No one has invited me.
Dad: (pause) well.....
Me: you know, I don't have a family of my own, so when my siblings and parents exclude me from holidays, it leaves me with no family to spend holidays with. That feels pretty lonely. I also wasn't included in the family get together last summer and thanksgiving was planned without my input.
Dad: well.
Pause.
Me: well, guess I'll go now. Have a good night.

Haven't heard from anybody.

It sounds like you just want to be heard and acknowledged. Is that right? In that case, you've made your point and you can't control how they react.

If your objective was to be included in this event and others going forward, then I'm not sure this approach is the most effective. It kind of just makes everyone feel awkward and doesn't offer any solutions. Maybe if you had just left it at "I don't have any plans" then that would have left the door open for them to invite you, or to at least be aware that you don't have other plans, but with the way you put it - it sounds like you're mad at them and even if you were invited at this point, it would just be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone because you'd still resent not being invited from the get go. So people probably aren't going to feel at ease inviting you at this point, though hopefully they'll proactively include you in the next holiday.

I disagree. I think that was the absolute best and mature way to handle it. Good job OP. I'm sorry that's going on. I hope they ruminate on what you stated here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the bio family isn't much family.

Plus 10000!

Fwiw op, we are definitely not the losers of the family. Instead, siblings are very jealous, so we are excluded. You are not missing anything, trust me.