Giving custody of younger sibs to oldest sib if we die

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is far too much responsibility to burden a young adult with who has yet to achieve a graduate degree, let alone secure his first job and establish a household with a partner. He means well but cannot possibly fathom what his role as a guardian would require. I say this as someone in their fifties who had to assume guardianship over two elementary-aged relatives due to the sudden demise of their parents. I have an attorney, accountant, and a stable marriage, grown kids and my own experience in navigating life and running a household to fall back on. Even so, the logistical and emotional challenges are staggering. Keep Grandma as the guardian.

Fuck off. You don't have to have a graduate degree, a partner, a white picket fence, and a career to raise kids. You especially don't need tones things when the kids come with the funding they will need. You can meet all of your requirements and have no sense about raising kids. It's a learning process. I'd feel more comfortable having someone young rising my kids who is aware of modern norms than a grandparent who is head strong, thinks they're better than every young parent, and is likely to die before the children even make it to adulthood.

You have no idea what you are talking about. I am considering the son's best interest. You obviously have a huge chip on your shoulder.

Not PP, but... the son is old enough to start making these decisions for himself. Your response is very patronizing. I understand PP's hostility.

OP is a parent and I was providing a point of view of someone actually going through the situation. Just because someone is designated as a guardian in a will does not mean that person will automatically become the guardian of minor children. The court will decide what is in the children's best interest. The son will have to convince the court that he can provide a proper home for the children including attending to their medical, educational and social needs. The guardian will need to spend a lot of his time dealing with bureaucracy, not to mention actually caring for the children's needs directly. He will need to attend medical, therapy, and school appointments as a parent would. When would he find the time to complete his degree, find a position that would accommodate frequent and last-minute appointments, and have any kind of social life that a person of his age should have? Perhaps I am looking at this from more of a parent's perspective but OP is a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give it to DS. It's not like this is going to happen.

Really. Parents never die.

[Anonymous]

Your son sounds like the best choice.

Giving kids to a grandparents may seem good, and if its the only choice maybe it is good, but you're basically putting them at risk of losing ANOTHER parental figure soon or early by giving them to someone so old.

Your son asked for this, he'd be financially supported, and he's 22 for god's sake. Give your kids to your son, and walk through this for a financial planner to set aside money specifically for day care or child care or whatever it is you're concerned about.

The son. Really. The son.

[Anonymous]

How old is the grandma, OP?

[Anonymous]

You can designate the grandparent as the guardian now and change in to your son in five or so years. Wills can and should be reviewed and updated as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is the grandma, OP?

She's 64. There's no issue with her age/health. It's her personality and values that I'm not thrilled with. For a few hours once a week I can deal with "repairing the damage" when she tells my daughter she doesn't want to really put together a working old fashioned radio because that's for boys. But if I'm dead and my girls are getting these messages daily for years on end they aren't going to turn into the people I wNt them to become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the grandma, OP?

She's 64. There's no issue with her age/health. It's her personality and values that I'm not thrilled with. For a few hours once a week I can deal with "repairing the damage" when she tells my daughter she doesn't want to really put together a working old fashioned radio because that's for boys. But if I'm dead and my girls are getting these messages daily for years on end they aren't going to turn into the people I wNt them to become.

OP it's ok to love your mother AND think the son is the best choice. Because he is. And you know it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the early posted who said I insisted on my parents giving me custody of my little sister if something happened to them. Their big argument was what I think yours is - that my life would be irredeemably changed by having custody of a sibling at such a young age. My point then, and now, was that losing both of my parents and inheriting their decently-large estate was going to change my life anyway. Getting to keep my sister with me wasn't going to be the big change.

Go change your will and count your blessings for having such a lovely son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. I *insisted* that my parents change their estate plan to name me as my sister's guardian when I was 18. If both of our parents died, we would have inherited a lot of money so financial security was not an issue. I wanted to make sure my sister was with me and could stay in our home or at least in her school. I would have cheerfully transferred to a local college over having her uprooted and moved to a different state and living with relatives we saw once per year and now only see at weddings and funerals.

OP here - it's kind of the opposite situation with us. DS lives across the country while Grandma lives about an hour away, and we see her anywhere from 1-3 times each month. Grandma is ... difficult. She will only see what she wants to believe. For example, she was giving the girls dinner while I was recovering from surgery and would say that they didn't have to eat vegetable.s. My kids actually like veggies though and would ask her for them. She'd say no, that kids don't like vegetables and refuse to give them to the girls. She pushes them to conform to stereotypes constantly. She will tell the girls their opinions are wrong and they don't know what they like. "You don't want that blue shirt - here, have the yellow." We don't share the same values as her. We do not believe in or pray to Jesus but she constantly tells the girls to behave because "Jesus is watching!" It's like this with every single thing they say or do. Whereas my son just accepts them as they are.

Your mother sounds like a nightmare, OP. Go ahead and make your son the guardian in your will. He could change graduate programs and move across country into your home if, God forbid, something should happen. That way, the younger sibs could stay in their home and schools.

[Anonymous]

Do what you must to keep the kids together.
I'm sort of surprised this is even a question, given how much he wants to do it. And with every passing year you don't both die at the same time, his situation becomes that more "stable" or established or whatever.
Make clear that if it turned out to be too much for your son, he would remain their legal guardian but you would want him to negotiate a new or shared custody arrangement with grandma.

[Anonymous]

Geez. 22 year olds have kids all. The. Time.

You seem to have raised him well.

Ps: you can't leave your kids in a will to anyone. Your preferences will be considered but they aren't puppies. The courts may well decide soneone else would be better suited.

Definitely load up the life insurance to make this a no brainier decision.

[Anonymous]

I would choose your son. It's not like he couldn't get help should the situation actually arise. Use the insurance money to get a nanny, pay for camps, etc. and grandma could pitch in for regular vacations to give him a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez. 22 year olds have kids all. The. Time.

You seem to have raised him well.

Ps: you can't leave your kids in a will to anyone. Your preferences will be considered but they aren't puppies. The courts may well decide soneone else would be better suited.

Definitely load up the life insurance to make this a no brainier decision.

+1. First of all, the likelihood of this being an issue is extremely low. How many people do you personally know who have been orphaned as a minor? I know one, and he was 17, just about 6 months away from being 18. As PP stated, the court does not just automatically hand your kids over to whoever has been named guardian. It would be a decision made by your children, family members, and the judge.

[Anonymous]

we we put together our Will and had to designate a guardian, the attorney said to choose someone who would most likely parent the way your would. ie. shared values, goals, etc. that helped put somethngs in perspective. it doesn't sound like your mom would parent at all the way you would. So just take a moment an reflect on the life your kids would have growing up fulltime with grandparents? If your son wants this, let him have it. You know his values best. Will it be hard? Yes, but so is losing both parents and THEN having your sisters sent to live in a house knowing they are not going to get the support and care that you would have wanted for them.

[Anonymous]

When my brother turned 18 he requested my mother make him my guardian should anything happen to her. She did.

Your son clearly wants this role, so don't worry you would be burdening him.