Giving custody of younger sibs to oldest sib if we die

[Anonymous]

This weekend our 22 yr old was asking what happens/what he should do if we both die at the same time. After we went over almost all of the logistics, it became clear to him that our two elementary school aged children would go to grandma. It's not a choice we're thrilled with, but she'd do. He was hurt and suggested and then flat out asked that we consider that they go to him instead. We said we'd think about it.

He is in grad school, has a great relationship with the kids (they all sent each other gifts for National Siblings Day without parental prompting), is very responsible, and we have money stashed for college for the little kids and he'd be able to support them off life insurance while they're growing up. But they would severely cramp his style of being a young adult if we actually both died. Although at least they'd all be together (which if the kids lived with grandma, they wouldn't).

Thoughts? What are we not thinking of?

[Anonymous]

My brother would be that person for us, if he was established. Grad school at 22 isn't established. My brother working at 24 is closer.

[Anonymous]

I would make sure to have a financial trustee in place so that your older son doesn't have to worry about the finances, up your life insurance so they'd be LOADED if you both die (to minimize the style cramping), and change your will to leave your younger children to your older one.

Reasons: 1) He initiated the conversation which means he's serious about it, 2) the bond is all that matters. He'll do a lot of stuff wrong I'm sure, but he'll love them and they'll love him. I don't need anything else.

Go for it. When I turned 18 I insisted that my parents change my will to leave me custody of my young sister. Thankfully I never needed to take on that custody but I would have been more than happy to.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and point 3) He's mature enough to have this conversation in the first place. Great sign about his character.

[Anonymous]

Go read "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go read "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius".

I read that at least a decade ago. The long, long forward was the best part of the book. I'm not sure how that is supposed to help in the decision-making process or whether you think that's proof that it should or shouldn't be done.

[Anonymous]

Totally depends on how old your other kids are.
If they are 5 then no.
If they are 16 then yes.

[Anonymous]

This is far too much responsibility to burden a young adult with who has yet to achieve a graduate degree, let alone secure his first job and establish a household with a partner. He means well but cannot possibly fathom what his role as a guardian would require. I say this as someone in their fifties who had to assume guardianship over two elementary-aged relatives due to the sudden demise of their parents. I have an attorney, accountant, and a stable marriage, grown kids and my own experience in navigating life and running a household to fall back on. Even so, the logistical and emotional challenges are staggering. Keep Grandma as the guardian.

[Anonymous]

Go on vacation for 1-2 weeks and let him take care of the children. If he still wants the job afterward, he's the man for the job.

You didn't mention what Grandma thought of the arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This weekend our 22 yr old was asking what happens/what he should do if we both die at the same time. After we went over almost all of the logistics, it became clear to him that our two elementary school aged children would go to grandma. It's not a choice we're thrilled with, but she'd do. He was hurt and suggested and then flat out asked that we consider that they go to him instead. We said we'd think about it.

He is in grad school, has a great relationship with the kids (they all sent each other gifts for National Siblings Day without parental prompting), is very responsible, and we have money stashed for college for the little kids and he'd be able to support them off life insurance while they're growing up. But they would severely cramp his style of being a young adult if we actually both died. Although at least they'd all be together (which if the kids lived with grandma, they wouldn't).

Thoughts? What are we not thinking of?

Yes. He's a smart, responsible kid who is old enough to get married and have a family if he wanted to. He knows what he wants. He loves his sibs and they love him. Sign him up, with grandma as a back-up.

BTW, if you die and your children are minors, they are eligible to draw your Social Security until they are 18. It's a good chunk of money every month if you are a high wage earner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure to have a financial trustee in place so that your older son doesn't have to worry about the finances, up your life insurance so they'd be LOADED if you both die (to minimize the style cramping), and change your will to leave your younger children to your older one.

Reasons: 1) He initiated the conversation which means he's serious about it, 2) the bond is all that matters. He'll do a lot of stuff wrong I'm sure, but he'll love them and they'll love him. I don't need anything else.

Go for it. When I turned 18 I insisted that my parents change my will to leave me custody of my young sister. Thankfully I never needed to take on that custody but I would have been more than happy to.

I agree with this. One hundred percent. If you have someone else be the trustee, and you trust your 22 yo to make the right decisions - i.e. he's a mature 22 yo - or more likely 26 or 28 yo, then go for it.

[Anonymous]

Why would you pick grandma? Older, at risk for health problems, dementia and death. Older DS is a better choice.

[Anonymous]

I would seriously consider it. The fact that he asked, by itself, means a lot. He's an adult, your other kids are not infants, and they would be able to stay together. The odds of you and your spouse dying at the same time are pretty miniscule, so this is really a just-in-case thing, but a 22-year-old is totally capable of taking care of children. Indeed, a graduate student has a lot of schedule flexibility and energy that would serve your kids well, plus access to university resources. Think about the finances, so that he would not have to drop out of graduate school, but definitely think hard about saying yes.

[Anonymous]

Do it. Be thrilled that you have a son who is mature and thoughtful and caring enough to have initiated this conversation.

Set up everything you can to assure financial comfort for him if this happened. Set up family support networks for him. Involve him in the day to day lives of your younger children.

You clearly raised a loving, mature man - congratulations. Now respect that and honor his wishes. In the awful event he had to take on this responsibility I would be that all of your children would do better to be together. Sure it would change the course of his life - but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, and losing both of his parent would be pretty terrible. Knowing that he was caring for his siblings might be the thing that allows him to come through his own grief stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is far too much responsibility to burden a young adult with who has yet to achieve a graduate degree, let alone secure his first job and establish a household with a partner. He means well but cannot possibly fathom what his role as a guardian would require. I say this as someone in their fifties who had to assume guardianship over two elementary-aged relatives due to the sudden demise of their parents. I have an attorney, accountant, and a stable marriage, grown kids and my own experience in navigating life and running a household to fall back on. Even so, the logistical and emotional challenges are staggering. Keep Grandma as the guardian.

Fuck off. You don't have to have a graduate degree, a partner, a white picket fence, and a career to raise kids. You especially don't need tones things when the kids come with the funding they will need. You can meet all of your requirements and have no sense about raising kids. It's a learning process. I'd feel more comfortable having someone young rising my kids who is aware of modern norms than a grandparent who is head strong, thinks they're better than every young parent, and is likely to die before the children even make it to adulthood.