Giving custody of younger sibs to oldest sib if we die

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is far too much responsibility to burden a young adult with who has yet to achieve a graduate degree, let alone secure his first job and establish a household with a partner. He means well but cannot possibly fathom what his role as a guardian would require. I say this as someone in their fifties who had to assume guardianship over two elementary-aged relatives due to the sudden demise of their parents. I have an attorney, accountant, and a stable marriage, grown kids and my own experience in navigating life and running a household to fall back on. Even so, the logistical and emotional challenges are staggering. Keep Grandma as the guardian.

Fuck off. You don't have to have a graduate degree, a partner, a white picket fence, and a career to raise kids. You especially don't need tones things when the kids come with the funding they will need. You can meet all of your requirements and have no sense about raising kids. It's a learning process. I'd feel more comfortable having someone young rising my kids who is aware of modern norms than a grandparent who is head strong, thinks they're better than every young parent, and is likely to die before the children even make it to adulthood.

Geez. Not pp, but why the hostility? She's just offering up her experience.

[Anonymous]

If he wants it, I'd strongly consider it. How old is grandma? I think most kids would probably rather be with their grown older brother than with grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is far too much responsibility to burden a young adult with who has yet to achieve a graduate degree, let alone secure his first job and establish a household with a partner. He means well but cannot possibly fathom what his role as a guardian would require. I say this as someone in their fifties who had to assume guardianship over two elementary-aged relatives due to the sudden demise of their parents. I have an attorney, accountant, and a stable marriage, grown kids and my own experience in navigating life and running a household to fall back on. Even so, the logistical and emotional challenges are staggering. Keep Grandma as the guardian.

Fuck off. You don't have to have a graduate degree, a partner, a white picket fence, and a career to raise kids. You especially don't need tones things when the kids come with the funding they will need. You can meet all of your requirements and have no sense about raising kids. It's a learning process. I'd feel more comfortable having someone young rising my kids who is aware of modern norms than a grandparent who is head strong, thinks they're better than every young parent, and is likely to die before the children even make it to adulthood.

You have no idea what you are talking about. I am considering the son's best interest. You obviously have a huge chip on your shoulder.

[Anonymous]

The younger children's needs will come first and your older son will have to limit/postpone many of his goals (education, career, romantic)to care for them. Is that what you want, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do it. Be thrilled that you have a son who is mature and thoughtful and caring enough to have initiated this conversation.

Set up everything you can to assure financial comfort for him if this happened. Set up family support networks for him. Involve him in the day to day lives of your younger children.

You clearly raised a loving, mature man - congratulations. Now respect that and honor his wishes. In the awful event he had to take on this responsibility I would be that all of your children would do better to be together. Sure it would change the course of his life - but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, and losing both of his parent would be pretty terrible. Knowing that he was caring for his siblings might be the thing that allows him to come through his own grief stronger.

Have you been through the sudden death of your parents, pp? It is absolutely devastating.

[Anonymous]

Let grandma be grandma. Odds are this would all be moot anyway.

[Anonymous]

OMG. I *insisted* that my parents change their estate plan to name me as my sister's guardian when I was 18. If both of our parents died, we would have inherited a lot of money so financial security was not an issue. I wanted to make sure my sister was with me and could stay in our home or at least in her school. I would have cheerfully transferred to a local college over having her uprooted and moved to a different state and living with relatives we saw once per year and now only see at weddings and funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go read "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius".

I was going to post the same thing! Great read. Gives OP some insight into what might be involved. OP, your oldest should read it too. But what's wrong with grandma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. I *insisted* that my parents change their estate plan to name me as my sister's guardian when I was 18. If both of our parents died, we would have inherited a lot of money so financial security was not an issue. I wanted to make sure my sister was with me and could stay in our home or at least in her school. I would have cheerfully transferred to a local college over having her uprooted and moved to a different state and living with relatives we saw once per year and now only see at weddings and funerals.

OP here - it's kind of the opposite situation with us. DS lives across the country while Grandma lives about an hour away, and we see her anywhere from 1-3 times each month. Grandma is ... difficult. She will only see what she wants to believe. For example, she was giving the girls dinner while I was recovering from surgery and would say that they didn't have to eat vegetable.s. My kids actually like veggies though and would ask her for them. She'd say no, that kids don't like vegetables and refuse to give them to the girls. She pushes them to conform to stereotypes constantly. She will tell the girls their opinions are wrong and they don't know what they like. "You don't want that blue shirt - here, have the yellow." We don't share the same values as her. We do not believe in or pray to Jesus but she constantly tells the girls to behave because "Jesus is watching!" It's like this with every single thing they say or do. Whereas my son just accepts them as they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. I *insisted* that my parents change their estate plan to name me as my sister's guardian when I was 18. If both of our parents died, we would have inherited a lot of money so financial security was not an issue. I wanted to make sure my sister was with me and could stay in our home or at least in her school. I would have cheerfully transferred to a local college over having her uprooted and moved to a different state and living with relatives we saw once per year and now only see at weddings and funerals.

OP here - it's kind of the opposite situation with us. DS lives across the country while Grandma lives about an hour away, and we see her anywhere from 1-3 times each month. Grandma is ... difficult. She will only see what she wants to believe. For example, she was giving the girls dinner while I was recovering from surgery and would say that they didn't have to eat vegetable.s. My kids actually like veggies though and would ask her for them. She'd say no, that kids don't like vegetables and refuse to give them to the girls. She pushes them to conform to stereotypes constantly. She will tell the girls their opinions are wrong and they don't know what they like. "You don't want that blue shirt - here, have the yellow." We don't share the same values as her. We do not believe in or pray to Jesus but she constantly tells the girls to behave because "Jesus is watching!" It's like this with every single thing they say or do. Whereas my son just accepts them as they are.

Is there no one else you can choose? How about someone close to your age: good friend or relative who shares your values?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. I *insisted* that my parents change their estate plan to name me as my sister's guardian when I was 18. If both of our parents died, we would have inherited a lot of money so financial security was not an issue. I wanted to make sure my sister was with me and could stay in our home or at least in her school. I would have cheerfully transferred to a local college over having her uprooted and moved to a different state and living with relatives we saw once per year and now only see at weddings and funerals.

OP here - it's kind of the opposite situation with us. DS lives across the country while Grandma lives about an hour away, and we see her anywhere from 1-3 times each month. Grandma is ... difficult. She will only see what she wants to believe. For example, she was giving the girls dinner while I was recovering from surgery and would say that they didn't have to eat vegetable.s. My kids actually like veggies though and would ask her for them. She'd say no, that kids don't like vegetables and refuse to give them to the girls. She pushes them to conform to stereotypes constantly. She will tell the girls their opinions are wrong and they don't know what they like. "You don't want that blue shirt - here, have the yellow." We don't share the same values as her. We do not believe in or pray to Jesus but she constantly tells the girls to behave because "Jesus is watching!" It's like this with every single thing they say or do. Whereas my son just accepts them as they are.

Is there no one else you can choose? How about someone close to your age: good friend or relative who shares your values?

It's not that there's nobody else to choose. It's that DS asked and was surprised and I think a little hurt to find out they don't go to him.

[Anonymous]

Give it to DS. It's not like this is going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is far too much responsibility to burden a young adult with who has yet to achieve a graduate degree, let alone secure his first job and establish a household with a partner. He means well but cannot possibly fathom what his role as a guardian would require. I say this as someone in their fifties who had to assume guardianship over two elementary-aged relatives due to the sudden demise of their parents. I have an attorney, accountant, and a stable marriage, grown kids and my own experience in navigating life and running a household to fall back on. Even so, the logistical and emotional challenges are staggering. Keep Grandma as the guardian.

Fuck off. You don't have to have a graduate degree, a partner, a white picket fence, and a career to raise kids. You especially don't need tones things when the kids come with the funding they will need. You can meet all of your requirements and have no sense about raising kids. It's a learning process. I'd feel more comfortable having someone young rising my kids who is aware of modern norms than a grandparent who is head strong, thinks they're better than every young parent, and is likely to die before the children even make it to adulthood.

You have no idea what you are talking about. I am considering the son's best interest. You obviously have a huge chip on your shoulder.

Not PP, but... the son is old enough to start making these decisions for himself. Your response is very patronizing. I understand PP's hostility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. I *insisted* that my parents change their estate plan to name me as my sister's guardian when I was 18. If both of our parents died, we would have inherited a lot of money so financial security was not an issue. I wanted to make sure my sister was with me and could stay in our home or at least in her school. I would have cheerfully transferred to a local college over having her uprooted and moved to a different state and living with relatives we saw once per year and now only see at weddings and funerals.

OP here - it's kind of the opposite situation with us. DS lives across the country while Grandma lives about an hour away, and we see her anywhere from 1-3 times each month. Grandma is ... difficult. She will only see what she wants to believe. For example, she was giving the girls dinner while I was recovering from surgery and would say that they didn't have to eat vegetable.s. My kids actually like veggies though and would ask her for them. She'd say no, that kids don't like vegetables and refuse to give them to the girls. She pushes them to conform to stereotypes constantly. She will tell the girls their opinions are wrong and they don't know what they like. "You don't want that blue shirt - here, have the yellow." We don't share the same values as her. We do not believe in or pray to Jesus but she constantly tells the girls to behave because "Jesus is watching!" It's like this with every single thing they say or do. Whereas my son just accepts them as they are.

So go with your DS. Seriously. I'd be deeply touched that he was willing to take this on, even on a hypothetical basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The younger children's needs will come first and your older son will have to limit/postpone many of his goals (education, career, romantic)to care for them. Is that what you want, OP?

That's what her son asked. She should have a serious conversation with about what it means, and if he still says that is what he wants, then take him up on it.