If you are a MIL, what do you think of your DIL? How to have good relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is lovely. She comes from a colder family than ours, and I think all the ways we're close made her uncomfortable for several years. We all talk weekly if not more, and she was used to only speaking to her father on birthdays and Christmas. She had a very strained relationship with her own mother (I admit to being worried it was her fault) that ultimately had completely ended even before we met her.

She does things differently than we do and is simply not as naturally warm and informal as we are. She reminds me of the Sarah Jessica Parker character in The Family Stone - where she's meeting her boyfriend's family at Christmas and they go to hug her as she sticks out her arm to shake hands. But she tries very hard to make us comfortable when we visit, she invites us to spend time with the grandkids, whenever she's traveling to our city for work she hauls them along so we can spend time with them, and she tries to meld to our ways of doing things when she's visiting us.

She makes our son very, very happy, which in turn makes us very, very happy.

I love how you say she is lovely...and then proceed to bash he and her family. passive aggressive type huh?

I noticed that too.

Yes.

This is why I share as little as possible about my family with my MIL.

[Anonymous]

What do you do if your son marries a genuinely troubled woman? We managed okay until kids were born, since then it's been painful to watch them grow up. DIL had a deeply traumatic childhood (essentially given away and then reclaimed by parents) and is understandably deeply insecure and threatened by any affection kids have for grandparents etc. and vastly overprotective. Kids visit us for a few hours at a time, but there are repeated calls about what are kids doing, eating, toileting etc.

Our DS is trying to be a good DH as far as we can tell. There's no discussion of DIL's extreme anxiety etc. My DH and I are terrified that we'll lose access to grandkids, go out of our way to follow rules etc. But kids are getting older and are super anxious and otherwise showing toll of all this anxiety and control. It breaks my heart.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I am a MIL x 2! I adore both of my daughters-in-law. I think they are beautiful (both inside and out), smart, caring, and very good to my sons. I think of them as daughters.

The mother who cannot step aside and accept the fact that she is no longer the most important person in her son's life will never be good MIL.

The wife who cannot show love and respect towards the women who gave birth to and raised the man she chose to marry will never be a good DIL.

I have never had a cross word with either of my daughters in law. Similarly, my MIL and I have always had a great relationship. I find the notion that MILs and DILs can't get along ridiculous. But then again, I think marriage should be left to those mature enough to manage adult relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a MIL, but I am a DIL who really likes my MIL and we have a good relationship. She is kind and helpful but not overbearing. She doesn't give her opinion much unless we ask for it. She doesn't see me a competition and really respects me. I think it helps that we are both easy going and don't like drama. She recently told me that she thinks my husband married the perfect person for him and that I was a very good mother. And she was sincere about this. I think the keys are mutual respect, no drama-seeking actions/behavior and assume the other has good intentions.

This is my MIL as well. She is highly complementary and supportive- more so than my own mom!!

Another DIL chiming to say that I LOVE my MIL! She is totally my role model for how to be a wonderful MIL if/when either of my two children get married. She and I are both "easy going and don't like drama" like one of the PPs said, so maybe that's really the key?

All I know is that she is sweet, thoughtful, respectful, loving, and never ever tries to intrude or be a busybody. I love her more than my own mom, sad as that is to admit.

[Anonymous]

I actually love my mil even though she makes me batty. Our biggest issue is she seems unable to comprehend that we might want a lifestyle that is different from hers. My husband comes from a fairly wealthy family. My parents are pretty free spirited do what makes you happy kind of people. We spend most of our free time do charity stuff and she thinks we should get second jobs so we can have a bigger house, nicer cars etc. In her opinion we're doing it wrong because it isn't how she would live her life. The good part is you can be blunt about shutting her down and it rolls right off her back!

[Anonymous]

I love my MIL and we have a great relationship. I actually wish we spent more time together. My mom felt the same way about my paternal grandmother which is why I think I have such a positive view of the MIL-DIL relationship. MIL now lives about 30 minutes away and is moving a few hours away in about a year. I'm really upset by it, even though I act happy for her every time she talks about moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a MIL x 2! I adore both of my daughters-in-law. I think they are beautiful (both inside and out), smart, caring, and very good to my sons. I think of them as daughters.

The mother who cannot step aside and accept the fact that she is no longer the most important person in her son's life will never be good MIL.

The wife who cannot show love and respect towards the women who gave birth to and raised the man she chose to marry will never be a good DIL.

I have never had a cross word with either of my daughters in law. Similarly, my MIL and I have always had a great relationship. I find the notion that MILs and DILs can't get along ridiculous. But then again, I think marriage should be left to those mature enough to manage adult relationships.

Another MIL here. This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a MIL x 2! I adore both of my daughters-in-law. I think they are beautiful (both inside and out), smart, caring, and very good to my sons. I think of them as daughters.

The mother who cannot step aside and accept the fact that she is no longer the most important person in her son's life will never be good MIL.

The wife who cannot show love and respect towards the women who gave birth to and raised the man she chose to marry will never be a good DIL.

I have never had a cross word with either of my daughters in law. Similarly, my MIL and I have always had a great relationship. I find the notion that MILs and DILs can't get along ridiculous. But then again, I think marriage should be left to those mature enough to manage adult relationships.

I like this very much! I hope this will be me in the future. My own MIL was not the nicest and warmest woman to me, but over the years, I've learned to lower my expectations and do not take things personally. As a result, I don't let little comments bother me. I remain respectful and dutiful as without her there would not be DH. In loving DH, I make every attempt to be kind and respectful to his parents. I expect the same thing from him towards my own parents. Loving someone means loving and respecting those they love, even if it's sometime not the easiest. Time has waned some issues and now my MIL is quite sweet to my children and occasionally to me. The latter is nice, but it's not imperative for me .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a MIL x 2! I adore both of my daughters-in-law. I think they are beautiful (both inside and out), smart, caring, and very good to my sons. I think of them as daughters.

The mother who cannot step aside and accept the fact that she is no longer the most important person in her son's life will never be good MIL.

The wife who cannot show love and respect towards the women who gave birth to and raised the man she chose to marry will never be a good DIL.

I have never had a cross word with either of my daughters in law. Similarly, my MIL and I have always had a great relationship. I find the notion that MILs and DILs can't get along ridiculous. But then again, I think marriage should be left to those mature enough to manage adult relationships.

I like this very much! I hope this will be me in the future. My own MIL was not the nicest and warmest woman to me, but over the years, I've learned to lower my expectations and do not take things personally. As a result, I don't let little comments bother me. I remain respectful and dutiful as without her there would not be DH. In loving DH, I make every attempt to be kind and respectful to his parents. I expect the same thing from him towards my own parents. Loving someone means loving and respecting those they love, even if it's sometime not the easiest. Time has waned some issues and now my MIL is quite sweet to my children and occasionally to me. The latter is nice, but it's not imperative for me .

There you go! Good post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a MIL x 2! I adore both of my daughters-in-law. I think they are beautiful (both inside and out), smart, caring, and very good to my sons. I think of them as daughters.

The mother who cannot step aside and accept the fact that she is no longer the most important person in her son's life will never be good MIL.

The wife who cannot show love and respect towards the women who gave birth to and raised the man she chose to marry will never be a good DIL.

I have never had a cross word with either of my daughters in law. Similarly, my MIL and I have always had a great relationship. I find the notion that MILs and DILs can't get along ridiculous. But then again, I think marriage should be left to those mature enough to manage adult relationships.

Another MIL here. This!

DIL here. I would do a lot to be around a secure, positive, happy, involved, accomplished MIL - without a chip on her shoulder - like you. My MIL is depressed, smug and snarky and does not enjoy much in life. She feels someone, somehow "wronged" her. She does *not* get a free pass, because she deflects on me, like a bully. I call her on her negatives behaviors, which she of course is not used to. Too bad, I say. She brings out the worst in me. 90% of the time she is pushing boundaries and just trying to be rude, and 90% of the time with her, I end up pretending she is not saying anything, when she is being most offensive.

We don't see her often, but without me saying or doing anything, my mere presence seems to upset her. As if she is reminded of how different we are, and instead of celebrating our differences, she takes it as a personal affront. Everything is about her - especially if it is about someone else (wedding, funeral, and the like). Can you only imagine?

[Anonymous]

Before I landed a MIL, I got to watch my own mother be a MIL for 10 years. Her keys to being well liked my her DILs and SonILs is to basically kiss their butts 90% of the time. She makes their favorite meals, not her own children's favorites meals, when they come to visit. She buys snacks she knows they like. She makes sure to have their favorite drink on hand, be it diet coke or Makers Mark or IPA. She keeps advice to herself unless asked, though I'm sure she trips up here and there on this one haha. But most of all: she does not use guilt as a weapon to get her way. She's pleasant and fun and she's generous with her time and money without asking for anything in return.

The end result? She doesn't need to ask for her kids and their spouses to spend time with her because they all WANT to spend time with her. She makes it easy to be with her, so we all flock that way. There's never yelling or demanding and she's happy to go above and beyond to be helpful with the grandkids.

Is she best friends with all the kids-inlaw? No. But they all love and respect her and overall enjoy her company. I try to take notes for one day in the future when I'm a MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a MIL, but I am a DIL who really likes my MIL and we have a good relationship. She is kind and helpful but not overbearing. She doesn't give her opinion much unless we ask for it. She doesn't see me a competition and really respects me. I think it helps that we are both easy going and don't like drama. She recently told me that she thinks my husband married the perfect person for him and that I was a very good mother. And she was sincere about this. I think the keys are mutual respect, no drama-seeking actions/behavior and assume the other has good intentions.

+1000

I had a good relationship with my MIL for the same reason. She didn't butt in, but would give advice if we asked her for her opinion. I always treated her with respect and tried to be a good DIL because SHE treated me with respect. If she had been a b***h, we would have had issues.

[Anonymous]

In our family, the spouse calls the IL whatever their child does. My DH called his mom, "Mom" and I felt kind of weird about calling her "mom", so I stuck to her first name. My mom actually encouraged me to call MIL "mom." I just couldn't do it. But it didn't make a difference, we got along just fine.

[Anonymous]

Can't stand my DIL. She is rude, selfish, self-centered and will only support a relationship with her family. We almost never talk to my stepson. Her family is nasty too. They actually demanded we pay for an accident she caused, including repairs to their car and personal belongings lost. They also demanded we pay the rent (they are not married, 24, took 6 years to graduate college playing around and have been living together since 18 - they are adults if they can live together and don't want a relationship with us and can pay for themselves). She is pregnant and we sent some rather expensive gifts and neither got acknowledged and we emailed as they originally said to hang on to our baby/toddler stuff and refuse to respond (so we are getting rid of it as we tried 5 times). I'm done trying. I feel bad for the new child, but we are not trying anymore.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is the best! She is one of the nicest, kindest women I've met. She is a great grandmother and my kids adore her.