If you are a MIL, what do you think of your DIL? How to have good relationship?

[Anonymous]

My ILs never acknowledged that our first pregnancy ended in a m/c. I can't be close to people who could not be bothered to offer even a cursory "I'm sorry." for one of the most difficult things I've experienced. When my H called to let them know the pregnancy wasn't viable, they acted as if he were talking about the weather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs never acknowledged that our first pregnancy ended in a m/c. I can't be close to people who could not be bothered to offer even a cursory "I'm sorry." for one of the most difficult things I've experienced. When my H called to let them know the pregnancy wasn't viable, they acted as if he were talking about the weather.

My mom had something like 6 miscarriages before she got pregnant with my older sister. When I was told about that time in my parents lives it was in a very matter of fact way - not at ALL emotional. I truly thought that women had like, a 50/50 shot of a pregnancy sticking and you get pregnant and then just wait half a year or so to see if it sticks or not. It wasn't until my late 20's, talking with friends that I came to realize many women see it much more emotionally than the women in my family do. Maybe your in-laws just see it the way my mom sees it, and the way I saw it for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs never acknowledged that our first pregnancy ended in a m/c. I can't be close to people who could not be bothered to offer even a cursory "I'm sorry." for one of the most difficult things I've experienced. When my H called to let them know the pregnancy wasn't viable, they acted as if he were talking about the weather.

My mom had something like 6 miscarriages before she got pregnant with my older sister. When I was told about that time in my parents lives it was in a very matter of fact way - not at ALL emotional. I truly thought that women had like, a 50/50 shot of a pregnancy sticking and you get pregnant and then just wait half a year or so to see if it sticks or not. It wasn't until my late 20's, talking with friends that I came to realize many women see it much more emotionally than the women in my family do. Maybe your in-laws just see it the way my mom sees it, and the way I saw it for years.

Even if that's how they see it, that doesn't make it any less painful for the PP, not does it make their response appropriate. If I hated my mother and wouldn't care if she was gone, would it be okay to not acknowledge the (painful for her) death of a friend's mother just bc I "see it differently?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs never acknowledged that our first pregnancy ended in a m/c. I can't be close to people who could not be bothered to offer even a cursory "I'm sorry." for one of the most difficult things I've experienced. When my H called to let them know the pregnancy wasn't viable, they acted as if he were talking about the weather.

My mom had something like 6 miscarriages before she got pregnant with my older sister. When I was told about that time in my parents lives it was in a very matter of fact way - not at ALL emotional. I truly thought that women had like, a 50/50 shot of a pregnancy sticking and you get pregnant and then just wait half a year or so to see if it sticks or not. It wasn't until my late 20's, talking with friends that I came to realize many women see it much more emotionally than the women in my family do. Maybe your in-laws just see it the way my mom sees it, and the way I saw it for years.

Even if that's how they see it, that doesn't make it any less painful for the PP, not does it make their response appropriate. If I hated my mother and wouldn't care if she was gone, would it be okay to not acknowledge the (painful for her) death of a friend's mother just bc I "see it differently?"

Should say nor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is lovely. She comes from a colder family than ours, and I think all the ways we're close made her uncomfortable for several years. We all talk weekly if not more, and she was used to only speaking to her father on birthdays and Christmas. She had a very strained relationship with her own mother (I admit to being worried it was her fault) that ultimately had completely ended even before we met her.

She does things differently than we do and is simply not as naturally warm and informal as we are. She reminds me of the Sarah Jessica Parker character in The Family Stone - where she's meeting her boyfriend's family at Christmas and they go to hug her as she sticks out her arm to shake hands. But she tries very hard to make us comfortable when we visit, she invites us to spend time with the grandkids, whenever she's traveling to our city for work she hauls them along so we can spend time with them, and she tries to meld to our ways of doing things when she's visiting us.

She makes our son very, very happy, which in turn makes us very, very happy.

I love how you say she is lovely...and then proceed to bash he and her family. passive aggressive type huh?

I noticed that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs never acknowledged that our first pregnancy ended in a m/c. I can't be close to people who could not be bothered to offer even a cursory "I'm sorry." for one of the most difficult things I've experienced. When my H called to let them know the pregnancy wasn't viable, they acted as if he were talking about the weather.

My inlaws did the same thing. I was 24 weeks pregnant and went into preterm labor. Was in the hospital having discussions with the OBs about viability and quality of life for a micro preemie. OBs are telling DH and I that they'll leave the choice up to us about whether or not to intervene to save the baby. They got the contractions to slow, and DH steps out to call his parents. He's breaking down and just wanted a couple of minutes of comfort. Parents changed the subject and started talking about their dinner party planned for that evening. Never asked about me. Said "I'm sure everything will be fine".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is lovely. She comes from a colder family than ours, and I think all the ways we're close made her uncomfortable for several years. We all talk weekly if not more, and she was used to only speaking to her father on birthdays and Christmas. She had a very strained relationship with her own mother (I admit to being worried it was her fault) that ultimately had completely ended even before we met her.

She does things differently than we do and is simply not as naturally warm and informal as we are. She reminds me of the Sarah Jessica Parker character in The Family Stone - where she's meeting her boyfriend's family at Christmas and they go to hug her as she sticks out her arm to shake hands. But she tries very hard to make us comfortable when we visit, she invites us to spend time with the grandkids, whenever she's traveling to our city for work she hauls them along so we can spend time with them, and she tries to meld to our ways of doing things when she's visiting us.

She makes our son very, very happy, which in turn makes us very, very happy.

I'm the DIL in a similar situation, only I'm the warm, open one and inlaws are the cold, formal ones (see above). I call my MIL "lovely" and "kind".

[Anonymous]

DIL here, my MIL is a very nice, caring person. I would say we have an okay relationship. She really wants to be my best friend, and I in turn can't have that close of a bond with her. She can get a little manipulative. I have a great relationship with my Mom and MIL and her daughter do not have a good relationship at all. When she's visiting she always comments on how often I speak with my Mom, as if she's missing something. I feel bad for her, but as I mentioned, I can't have a best friend relationship with her -- we are very different. I say what's on my mind, most of the time in a nice way and she beats around the bush and tries to bring out the psychology class learnings she had in college. On her most recent visit there was some turmoil and I think that really put a strain on the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Still no advice from been there, done that MILs?
OP here, was hoping for some good tips for when my son marries. Seems like it's best for MILs to keep their opinions to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still no advice from been there, done that MILs?
OP here, was hoping for some good tips for when my son marries. Seems like it's best for MILs to keep their opinions to themselves.

This is actually generally true. Don't offer advice unless it's asked for. Don't comment on every little thing that your DIL does differently than you would. Don't view her as competition. Don't expect her to see you as a mother-figure and defer to your authority. Don't expect to be instant best friends. I see a lot of MIL-DIL drama that is based in one or the other person (or both!) being controlling and competitive, or expecting some kind of instant closeness and then taking it personally and being really hurt when that doesn't happen. This kind of relationship needs a little space to grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is lovely. She comes from a colder family than ours, and I think all the ways we're close made her uncomfortable for several years. We all talk weekly if not more, and she was used to only speaking to her father on birthdays and Christmas. She had a very strained relationship with her own mother (I admit to being worried it was her fault) that ultimately had completely ended even before we met her.

She does things differently than we do and is simply not as naturally warm and informal as we are. She reminds me of the Sarah Jessica Parker character in The Family Stone - where she's meeting her boyfriend's family at Christmas and they go to hug her as she sticks out her arm to shake hands. But she tries very hard to make us comfortable when we visit, she invites us to spend time with the grandkids, whenever she's traveling to our city for work she hauls them along so we can spend time with them, and she tries to meld to our ways of doing things when she's visiting us.

She makes our son very, very happy, which in turn makes us very, very happy.

I'm the DIL in a similar situation, only I'm the warm, open one and inlaws are the cold, formal ones (see above). I call my MIL "lovely" and "kind".

When you say she's "lovely" and "kind" are you being sincere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is lovely. She comes from a colder family than ours, and I think all the ways we're close made her uncomfortable for several years. We all talk weekly if not more, and she was used to only speaking to her father on birthdays and Christmas. She had a very strained relationship with her own mother (I admit to being worried it was her fault) that ultimately had completely ended even before we met her.

She does things differently than we do and is simply not as naturally warm and informal as we are. She reminds me of the Sarah Jessica Parker character in The Family Stone - where she's meeting her boyfriend's family at Christmas and they go to hug her as she sticks out her arm to shake hands. But she tries very hard to make us comfortable when we visit, she invites us to spend time with the grandkids, whenever she's traveling to our city for work she hauls them along so we can spend time with them, and she tries to meld to our ways of doing things when she's visiting us.

She makes our son very, very happy, which in turn makes us very, very happy.

I love how you say she is lovely...and then proceed to bash he and her family. passive aggressive type huh?

This why you have probably bad relationships with people, I am sure. There is nothing in that poster's post that is bashing: it is an outline of their differences.

[Anonymous]

My DIL is good to my son so I think she's awesome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is lovely. She comes from a colder family than ours, and I think all the ways we're close made her uncomfortable for several years. We all talk weekly if not more, and she was used to only speaking to her father on birthdays and Christmas. She had a very strained relationship with her own mother (I admit to being worried it was her fault) that ultimately had completely ended even before we met her.

She does things differently than we do and is simply not as naturally warm and informal as we are. She reminds me of the Sarah Jessica Parker character in The Family Stone - where she's meeting her boyfriend's family at Christmas and they go to hug her as she sticks out her arm to shake hands. But she tries very hard to make us comfortable when we visit, she invites us to spend time with the grandkids, whenever she's traveling to our city for work she hauls them along so we can spend time with them, and she tries to meld to our ways of doing things when she's visiting us.

She makes our son very, very happy, which in turn makes us very, very happy.

I'm the DIL in a similar situation, only I'm the warm, open one and inlaws are the cold, formal ones (see above). I call my MIL "lovely" and "kind".

When you say she's "lovely" and "kind" are you being sincere?

Yes, I'm being sincere. She is just different than our family. When we visit she may not make the first move to hug us and may respond "I'm well thank you, and yourselves?" when we ask how she is, but she always has the refrigerator stocked with the foods she knows we like, the sheets I mentioned feeling especially soft are always on the guest bed, she writes out step-by-step directions for how to get places with the babies. She's a great hostess to us, and truly makes an effort to make our bonding with the grandkids go smoothly. She's just ... formal. It's okay. She loves our son VERY much, and makes him happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is good to my son so I think she's awesome

Smart - no, BRILLIANT and wise woman, you are!

This is exactly how I want to be. I love my DC's so much, I want their SO's to feel warm and welcomed when they are in my house. Always.

My MIL would rather her only DIL be like her, but I was raised that it is *not* desirable for everyone to be alike - how boring would that be? In fact, she is the opposite of me, which is fine, if she didn't seem to have such an outward problem with it. Its a strange family to belong to. Just a small example: The women all have short hair, in fact, the same haircuts; same glasses, same clothes, same shoes, same profession, same habits, same cooking (???), etc. Again, it is fine, but I can't be expected to be their clone.

MIL really seems to want to have something to talk about at golf; whether it is what I did or did not do, and especially, what I did different. Differences are really pointed out, and not cause for celebration; but instead, cause for drama. In fact, *nothing* is cause for celebration, or smiling, or happiness. I don't think I have ever heard her say one nice thing to me. It seems like there is no pleasing her, and if there is, there would be no sign of it.

It doesn't occur to her to want to spend time with her grandchildren, which I suppose tells us what she was like as a mother.

They really don't know much about me, after all these decades. I guess its just as well, at this point. Its hard to connect when most (or all) make little if any effort, and to say they "don't go out of their way" is an understatement.

Anyway, PP - I would like to remember what you said when it is my turn. Life is too short to be miserable!