Big Sex Question/Problem Scenario -- Need Help, All Opinions Valued, Please Don't Put Me Down

[Anonymous]

Doctor patient confidentiality doesn't go both ways? I bet she'd love you sharing her personal info with the internet.... maybe she can come online and name you.

[Anonymous]

My dd stated coming into our bedroom and crawling int o bed with us when she was 4. We put together a little bed for her - a sleeping bad and pillow - which we rolled up on the floor at the foot of the bed. We told her that her coming into bed with us was too disruptive to our sleep, but that she was welcome to stay in our room on the bed we had made for her.

She stopped coming into the room within 5 days. Problem solved. I can't guarantee it will work, but it might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doctor patient confidentiality doesn't go both ways? I bet she'd love you sharing her personal info with the internet.... maybe she can come online and name you.

First, doctor-patient confidentiality is not reciprocal.

Second, I didn't share anything personal about the doctor on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd stated coming into our bedroom and crawling int o bed with us when she was 4. We put together a little bed for her - a sleeping bad and pillow - which we rolled up on the floor at the foot of the bed. We told her that her coming into bed with us was too disruptive to our sleep, but that she was welcome to stay in our room on the bed we had made for her.

She stopped coming into the room within 5 days. Problem solved. I can't guarantee it will work, but it might.

This may be the best idea yet.

I know I've been soft with him. I certainly do not like the hole I've dug myself into. He's kind of a needy little boy -- a sensitive child. And when I was little, I didn't get much attention and I still remember it. I remember how my father came home from a long day at work and holed himself in with 3 magazines, 2 newspapers, and the TV for at least an hour before dinner. They put these white things over the doorknobs so kids couldn't open the door. I asked if I could just sit in the room with him and he said, "No."

And my mom -- all she wanted was some time with my dad once he got home. I remember being put into bed with raggety-Ann and them bidding me goodnight. And I would ask for more. A story or to stay with me a bit or something. And she said, "That's all you get." And they'd be gone.

These are things that happened to me around the age of four. I still remember them. So when one of my children comes to me and asks for attention/affection, I have a very hard time not giving them whatever they want/need.

With respect to other behaviors, I am more able to draw the line and set some boundaries and implement some punishments. But this has been hard and become a real problem.

So for the time being, I guess I'll be spending a bit more time in my husband's office

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a vast happy medium between what you're describing happening in your childhood and how you are parenting. You are important, your husband is important, your relationship is important. Have him sleep in his own bed. You can get a humidifier/fan/white noise machine for his room and your daughter's room which will help mask the screaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd stated coming into our bedroom and crawling int o bed with us when she was 4. We put together a little bed for her - a sleeping bad and pillow - which we rolled up on the floor at the foot of the bed. We told her that her coming into bed with us was too disruptive to our sleep, but that she was welcome to stay in our room on the bed we had made for her.

She stopped coming into the room within 5 days. Problem solved. I can't guarantee it will work, but it might.

This may be the best idea yet.

I know I've been soft with him. I certainly do not like the hole I've dug myself into. He's kind of a needy little boy -- a sensitive child. And when I was little, I didn't get much attention and I still remember it. I remember how my father came home from a long day at work and holed himself in with 3 magazines, 2 newspapers, and the TV for at least an hour before dinner. They put these white things over the doorknobs so kids couldn't open the door. I asked if I could just sit in the room with him and he said, "No."

And my mom -- all she wanted was some time with my dad once he got home. I remember being put into bed with raggety-Ann and them bidding me goodnight. And I would ask for more. A story or to stay with me a bit or something. And she said, "That's all you get." And they'd be gone.

These are things that happened to me around the age of four. I still remember them. So when one of my children comes to me and asks for attention/affection, I have a very hard time not giving them whatever they want/need.

With respect to other behaviors, I am more able to draw the line and set some boundaries and implement some punishments. But this has been hard and become a real problem.

So for the time being, I guess I'll be spending a bit more time in my husband's office

The reason he is needy is because, I know it's hard but you are not instilling any sort of independence in him. It's not a bad thing to make him sleep in his room, but needed. Please don't let you experience with your own dad make you over compensate with your own child. It's more of a detriment an will hurt both of you in the long run if you let him dictate what goes on in the house. Kids have to be pushed to be independent early, he is needy because you think your doing him a favor by coddling every whim. I don't want you to take this to harshly, but understand they want you to have control and they won't resent you for it.

[Anonymous]

I never met a 20 year old who still slept with his parents. This too shall pass.

Take the advice about other places to have sex. How about the shower? Can you get some privacy in there after your child goes to sleep?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters who are appalled at how your child is running your life. Look, you were a couple before you had kids. Put your relationship first. It's not like you're endangering your children. So they scream for a night or for a week. Believe me, if you are firm, loving and consistent, they will get over it and EVERYONE will be happier. Stop letting your children run your lives.

[Anonymous]

I have a question about having sex in the shower. I've never found it very comfortable. All that jouncing and balancing. For those of you who like this, how do you make it work for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the posters who are appalled at how your child is running your life. Look, you were a couple before you had kids. Put your relationship first. It's not like you're endangering your children. So they scream for a night or for a week. Believe me, if you are firm, loving and consistent, they will get over it and EVERYONE will be happier. Stop letting your children run your lives.

Appalled? Appalled like the way people are at Casey Anthony or a different kind of appall-sion? Some proportionality, please.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not "appalled" at your situation or the fact that your child sleeps with you, but I do think it would be a lot easier to change than you think, and involve a lot less screaming. I also think it might also actually ADD to your son's confidence rather than decrease it to find that he can have the independence to sleep away from you. Do you think that you might be projecting your own memories of loneliness and abandonment onto the situation, rather than just looking at it for what it is...his getting into bed with you because...you let him? And if you don't let him, it won't necessarily be an abandonment for him, it might even be an aid to his development? I'm just asking you to consider the possibility.

If you do want to try it, why not make it a fun step...like, "hey, if you can stay in your room in your own bed tonight, how about we get you that "XYZ" you've been wanting?" (there must be something).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the posters who are appalled at how your child is running your life. Look, you were a couple before you had kids. Put your relationship first. It's not like you're endangering your children. So they scream for a night or for a week. Believe me, if you are firm, loving and consistent, they will get over it and EVERYONE will be happier. Stop letting your children run your lives.

Oh, please, I can say that instead I'm appalled at you and your self-righteousness. OP is asking for help and you give her judgmental lecturing crap...If you have nothing helpful to say, don't say anything at all...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question about having sex in the shower. I've never found it very comfortable. All that jouncing and balancing. For those of you who like this, how do you make it work for you?

First of all, repeat after me: "Water is not a lubricant". So, you will need to use one.

The larger the actual shower, the better. Actual intercourse is best conducted on the floor. No slipping, falling, contortionists needed, etc.

Actually bathing one another is good foreplay. Soap each other up. Mutual shaving (how about his neck between the hairline and his collar?) Even shampooing and conditioning each other's hair.

Soap does not taste good, so you want the "area" to be rinsed free of soap before your mouth gets involved.

Any other questions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the posters who are appalled at how your child is running your life. Look, you were a couple before you had kids. Put your relationship first. It's not like you're endangering your children. So they scream for a night or for a week. Believe me, if you are firm, loving and consistent, they will get over it and EVERYONE will be happier. Stop letting your children run your lives.

Oh, please, I can say that instead I'm appalled at you and your self-righteousness. OP is asking for help and you give her judgmental lecturing crap...If you have nothing helpful to say, don't say anything at all...

What. I agree with the poster your yelling at and think your judging her for giving an opinion. It's extremely frustrating to quite a few of us to hear that parents are not having sex in their own bed because their child insists on sleeping with them. Insist back that it is not ok, so that they understand what model parenting is. The Op asked for help and the posters like the one your yelling at are giving it, just not the advice your looking for. When we say, to step up and not be wimpy with your kids, believe it on not, that's advice. The poster that says she never has seen a 20 year old sleeping with their parents misses the boat on this. Why do we try to teach our kids to read when their 2, but shy away from teaching them to be independent and that mom and dad need their space also.

[Anonymous]

It's extremely frustrating to quite a few of us to hear that parents are not having sex in their own bed