Help me not cheat! (with compassion pretty please)

[Anonymous]

You DO zap it from your brain. When the sexy thought creeps up, just tell yourself STOP. I CANNOT THINK THOSE THOUGHTS, and redirect your thought back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take that chemistry and jump your husband's bones. A crush is just a crush, a reminder you are a sexual human being. Don't do anything with this guy you wouldn't do in front of your husband or a coworker.

Done and done.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I'm kind of in a rut with my DH whom I love very, very much. At the same time I have been placed in close quarters with a male co-worker who I get along great w. Lack of connection and stimulation at home + close contact and chemistry at work is causing me to get too comfortable with my co-worker and become aroused. I think he likes my company too. I'm not looking to get out of my relationship or stray. I am doing the work to get back on track with DH. How do I stop thinking about this other person sexually and prevent increasing closeness?

Changing work arrangement is not an option and neither is being cold to my co-worker due to the nature of our work. If I could move my office to a different building or change my work team I would, simply to remove these thoughts. I would love to zap it from my brain. Help! I need practical suggestions to right the ship both internally and with my co-worker.

TIA!

It's easy to have chemistry with a co-worker with whom you don't have household shit or kid shit to deal with.

I guarantee you if your husband talked like this about some cute intern at his office you'd hit the roof.

Or maybe you're just not ready to settle down. Don't go off and live your fantasies while expecting your husband to do all the grunt work AND remain faithful.

[Anonymous]

Are you waiting for your husband to stimulate you? Or are you initiating the connection and stimulation but he rejects you?

Too often, because of how the dating dynamics typically work, I think; women kind of want men to be entertaining monkeys that perform for them.

How often does a woman sweep a man off on a romantic date; get him drunk, pay for everything, and try to sleep with him? In that respect, a woman's minimum expectations exceed a man's wildest dreams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take that chemistry and jump your husband's bones. A crush is just a crush, a reminder you are a sexual human being. Don't do anything with this guy you wouldn't do in front of your husband or a coworker.

What if your husband is a total beta and you are dying for some alpha male action?

I've been here, OP. I had a co-worker like that in my last job. God, I thought about it. I've moved away and am STILL thinking about it. I will go back for business in my current job and it will take every iota of self-control not to call the old co-worker and jump him. And as for the "he's probably not into you" stuff, yeah, I doubt it. I bet he is. I know my old co-worker was. The only thing stopping both of us was the ring on my finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The short term external validation and excitement would quickly fade after you cheated, and then what? Take care of yourself, pamper yourself, feel good about you, be romantic with your husband. Be proud of who you are, and don't mistake some random guy possibly wanting to hit it and quit it as something cool and positive. Most humans would bang most other humans, it's not special.

Best advice yet on DCUM! Kudos!

Thanks, I hope to be helpful. In a more immature time (bf, not husband) I had a similar dilemma, and chose not to cheat. Cheating is usually a very ineffective band-aid for something deeper. I'm glad I arrived at the right decision, and decided to look within for the reasons I was feeling like that. I hope OP does, too. As a side note, with the benefit of time, I can see that the guy I had a crush on would be totally wrong for me and has huge problems anyway, and my issues would have remained constant.

+1! Exactly! We all come across feelings like this, but the point is to look past the initial excitement and see everything and everybody clearly. What seems urgent is actually fleeting, but cheating would trip the whole family up, lead to chaos and possibly divorce. For what? A temporary fix with an equally (possibly more deeply) flawed person who has no commitment to OP -- all in betrayal of DH. Worst case scenario? Affair discovered leads to divorce and family breakup, all because of a lack of impulse control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take that chemistry and jump your husband's bones. A crush is just a crush, a reminder you are a sexual human being. Don't do anything with this guy you wouldn't do in front of your husband or a coworker.

What if your husband is a total beta and you are dying for some alpha male action?

I've been here, OP. I had a co-worker like that in my last job. God, I thought about it. I've moved away and am STILL thinking about it. I will go back for business in my current job and it will take every iota of self-control not to call the old co-worker and jump him. And as for the "he's probably not into you" stuff, yeah, I doubt it. I bet he is. I know my old co-worker was. The only thing stopping both of us was the ring on my finger.

Way to keep it real!

[Anonymous]

The dirty secret is that a lot of the things that we guys have been told make us a good husband also make us sexually unexciting. Being kind, considerate, reliable, diligent, and available are good traits for a family member but don't exactly get the panties wet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dirty secret is that a lot of the things that we guys have been told make us a good husband also make us sexually unexciting. Being kind, considerate, reliable, diligent, and available are good traits for a family member but don't exactly get the panties wet.

+1 very sad but very true

[Anonymous]

Please don't say wet panties. Gross.

Anyway, I don't agree that's true. If a guy were to be all those good qualities, but dress up in a debonair suit and take me out to a romantic dinner one a month, with flirting and handholding, I'd be good to go. Nothing turns women off like men who just don't try at all and take them for granted. Never stop wooing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't say wet panties. Gross.

Anyway, I don't agree that's true. If a guy were to be all those good qualities, but dress up in a debonair suit and take me out to a romantic dinner one a month, with flirting and handholding, I'd be good to go. Nothing turns women off like men who just don't try at all and take them for granted. Never stop wooing.

Never stop wooing. A good motto for both sexes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't say wet panties. Gross.

Anyway, I don't agree that's true. If a guy were to be all those good qualities, but dress up in a debonair suit and take me out to a romantic dinner one a month, with flirting and handholding, I'd be good to go. Nothing turns women off like men who just don't try at all and take them for granted. Never stop wooing.

Disagree. If you stopped being attracted to him, then the "wooing" will be "creepy." It won't be a romantic evening. It will be "pressure" for sex. The reality is that if you're attracted to him, everything will work. He can give you a bag of Skittles as a gift and you'll see it as romantic and cute. If you're not, then anything he does will be trying too hard.

[Anonymous]

Trust me, bad behavior makes men ugly. My SO is tall and handsome and I have always been attracted to him. For years. But when he does something inconsiderate and rude, I am repulsed. This is probably why we're going to break up, actually. I have no doubt I could be attracted to him physically forever if he were a good partner, but he has done some inconsiderate things that have killed my attraction. I WISH I had the kind of husbands these women have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you waiting for your husband to stimulate you? Or are you initiating the connection and stimulation but he rejects you?

Too often, because of how the dating dynamics typically work, I think; women kind of want men to be entertaining monkeys that perform for them.

How often does a woman sweep a man off on a romantic date; get him drunk, pay for everything, and try to sleep with him? In that respect, a woman's minimum expectations exceed a man's wildest dreams.

I have done both things w varying levels of success and failure. Just have to keep trying...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, bad behavior makes men ugly. My SO is tall and handsome and I have always been attracted to him. For years. But when he does something inconsiderate and rude, I am repulsed. This is probably why we're going to break up, actually. I have no doubt I could be attracted to him physically forever if he were a good partner, but he has done some inconsiderate things that have killed my attraction. I WISH I had the kind of husbands these women have.

+1