Getting together with family - what do you do when one family member is really awful

[Anonymous]

There's nothing you can do about their craziness - just let go of it and stand your ground. BIL doesn't come anywhere near you or your children, period.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to stand up to his family. Obviously, his brother is a violent bully with a quick temper and physical aggression towards women. MIL doesn't help, is in epic denial and sees anyone (especially other women) who criticize her favorite son as part of the problem. This is bad mothering and bad grandparenting. The whole email thing is more common than you think. I have a friend (childless) who went through a very similar scenario with her MIL and BIL a few years back. DH was similarly reticent about standing up to mommy.

Stand your ground. With all due respect, it's time for DH to man up and protect you and the kids, OP: he's got to say "no" to his parents and siblings.

Tell DH that BIL never gets to see you or the kids again. Forget about the email list. Tell DH that MIL's visits will be limited to solo if that's what's needed to protect the kids from BIL. No, MIL won't like somebody saying "no" to her any more than she approves of anybody saying "no" to her "little boy" who grew up to bruise women. That's all nonsense because MIL and BIL are interfering with your ability to parent. You're trying to teach your kids nonviolent ways to resolve disputes, while MIL is dedicated to CYA about BIL's problems.

DH can see his family on his own. Like a grownup. MIL can stand back on mind her business or miss out on your children. Also, make sure you listen to what she tells them because she might say something undermining to your kids. DH should also tell MIL to back off and respect your parenting.

Stand your ground and protect your kids from BIL's temper and physical violence.

[Anonymous]

Another one on your side here OP. Anyone who causes you harm, or whose temper makes you uncomfortable in any way (you don't need bruises to be sufficiently concerned) is not welcome in your home.

Any family gathering where you think there is adequate safety in numbers, or setting, or whatever you may choose to attend or not as you wish (and your decision applies to the kids also). DH is free to see his family at any time of course, and you will leave with the consequences if his family shuns you.

Your safety, and the safety of your children, comes first. Period.

I do hope that your husband comes a little more fully on board in support of you - this sounds painful. But I think you're doing the right thing from what you've said here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Apparently, "my" actions have caused a rift in the family. My MIL sent an email and excluded me from the distribution list. Trust me, it was on purpose. My DH is really upset. It's very sad.

This sounds like it's out of control. A situation like this happened in my family where I was blamed for something someone else accidentally did. Despite the fact that at the time everyone agreed I hadn't done the offending act, I was eventually forced to apologize - with the actual apology dictated to me so that I repeated it, word for word - for having caused the problem that I hadn't caused.
Unless your DH is really completely supportive of you, you may have something like this to look forward to weeks down the road.

Many other problems in my family, and I eventually had to cut off contact with them a few years ago. They still talk about the time when I caused the problem that I didn't cause, by the way.

I don't mean to be snarky but how did they 'force' you to apologize for something everyone agreed you didn't do? What you describe sounds insane and I'm wondering why it would be worth it to continue a relaitonship with people like that. "Because their family" isn't sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no question it was intentional. I had to forcibly push away from him and remove him from my arm.

Where was your husband? He should have been sliding out the door on his ass.

[Anonymous]

NP. First off, very sorry you went through this. There is no question that you are right to fully cut off your kids' and your contact from this family member. If it's a once/year holiday that brings you all to the in laws house, then you and your DH plan to just stay a couple of hours and leave. Period. End of story.

I absolutely believe you were treated wrongly and that your BIL is the one with the issues. I also though do want to say that the whole thing where you say an apology was dictated to you which you read word for word... that is some scary, bizarre, and disturbing stuff too. Of course it's disturbing that anyone would make you do that, but why did you actually do it?? This speaks to boundary issues with you too. I don't say that to blame you, I really don't, but I say it to say maybe it would help you and your husband to examine those dynamics re: his family with a professional and figure out what bigger things you should address with yourselves?

You absolutely have shown you can set boundaries, in saying (and your DH supporting you) that you'll never have this guy in your house or go to his house again. But what is this with you apologizing to him for something that you didn't do? That dynamic is nuts. I get that the ILs may be crazy and mean or manipulative, but that they can make you do this is something you may want to look into for yourselves, even if you won't be around them again.

In other words, there may be dynamics (which would not be surprising if the ILs - your DH's parents and your SILs parents - would side with an inappropriate son in law over their own son and DIL in this situation) that mean you guys have trouble fully drawing boundaries. I fully respect and agree with with you on setting the boundary that you will never go to him or have him over, but what will it take for you to be able to - in case you're ever around him again at the ILs and he does something crazy - what will it take for you to not allow yourself to be forced into apologizing, or participating in the ILs charade that they dont' have a nutso SIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to stand up to his family. Obviously, his brother is a violent bully with a quick temper and physical aggression towards women. MIL doesn't help, is in epic denial and sees anyone (especially other women) who criticize her favorite son as part of the problem. This is bad mothering and bad grandparenting. The whole email thing is more common than you think. I have a friend (childless) who went through a very similar scenario with her MIL and BIL a few years back. DH was similarly reticent about standing up to mommy.

Stand your ground. With all due respect, it's time for DH to man up and protect you and the kids, OP: he's got to say "no" to his parents and siblings.

Tell DH that BIL never gets to see you or the kids again. Forget about the email list. Tell DH that MIL's visits will be limited to solo if that's what's needed to protect the kids from BIL. No, MIL won't like somebody saying "no" to her any more than she approves of anybody saying "no" to her "little boy" who grew up to bruise women. That's all nonsense because MIL and BIL are interfering with your ability to parent. You're trying to teach your kids nonviolent ways to resolve disputes, while MIL is dedicated to CYA about BIL's problems.

DH can see his family on his own. Like a grownup. MIL can stand back on mind her business or miss out on your children. Also, make sure you listen to what she tells them because she might say something undermining to your kids. DH should also tell MIL to back off and respect your parenting.

Stand your ground and protect your kids from BIL's temper and physical violence.

This, all of it. And if your DH and you need help/further support to stand up or cut things off, seriously consider going to a therapist. This is a worthwhile issue to address. If your ILs are really like this, your DH probably has all sorts of residual hurts from being parented by them.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is really awful. She is very depressed and she has bully tendencies - like she is looking for a target for her awful life. Every time I see her, I say I won't go next time. But I suck it up for DH, who had to put up with her sh*t for all his years. He should have told the b*tch off years ago. She really has problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is really awful. She is very depressed and she has bully tendencies - like she is looking for a target for her awful life. Every time I see her, I say I won't go next time. But I suck it up for DH, who had to put up with her sh*t for all his years. He should have told the b*tch off years ago. She really has problems.

Ok, so that's MIL's situation (and your DH's), but what are you and your DH going to DO about it?? What's going to be different next time you are expected to visit her, or be around your BIL? What will you do so that you're both better able to hold your ground? The crap about you apologizing is whackadoodle and you need to take steps to be in a better position to stand up fully for yourselves.