Getting together with family - what do you do when one family member is really awful

[Anonymous]

I'd ban him from the house. What if your kids saw someone treating their mother like that? What if he did something to them? He may not have hit you, but he obviously cannot control himself physically it seems. Was he mad? Sad? Sacred? Why did he have to control you at the very least? Was he intoxicated? You don't have to answer those. Just food for thought.

If he recognizes what he did was wrong and seeks some sort of anger management or other appropriate way to modify behavior, I'd give him a second chance. But something tells me this isn't his first time doing something inappropriate and it won't be his last.

I'd be upfront with other close family members. With any bit of understanding, they will be open to seeing you outside the regular family functions.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who causes me physical pain in a fit of rage (and is over the age of three) is not allowed in our home. My house is a safe place. Nobody threatens that.

[Anonymous]

I would carry a keychain mace cannister and spray his face the next time he moves a hand next to anyone in my nuclear family. He needs to learn a lesson and the extended family needs to have someone stand up to him. I would bet that he has intimidated some of them so that they are afraid to avoid him.

[Anonymous]

Agree with everyone here - a ban from the house is in order and your DH really needs to be on board here. I can't fathom why he wouldn't be. Does he know??

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for your support. My DH confronted the guy who apologized to my DH. That doesn't cut it. My DH is on board to the extent that I can ban said family member from our house and that we won't be going to their house. My DH also agrees that our children will never ever "be alone" with this man, but I don't think my DH has fully grasped that my children will never EVER be near this man again. Even if other family members are present. I think the harder situation is going to be when the entire family gets together at a neutral location. My in-laws don't see fault in anyone, and they will always take their own daughter's husband over their son and me. It is just the way it is. I probably won't have to deal with this situation for about a year, and, by then, I just know that when the fury has died down, my in-laws will tell me that I'm being silly. I am going to stand my ground though.

Oh, no alcohol. This happened during the day. If I told you what I said, you'd find the behavior even more inappropriate. Let's equate it to a comment about the weather. I'm not kidding.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Apparently, "my" actions have caused a rift in the family. My MIL sent an email and excluded me from the distribution list. Trust me, it was on purpose. My DH is really upset. It's very sad.

[Anonymous]

Wow. That says a lot about your ILs. I hope your DH continues to be in your corner. Keep us posted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Apparently, "my" actions have caused a rift in the family. My MIL sent an email and excluded me from the distribution list. Trust me, it was on purpose. My DH is really upset. It's very sad.

I'm sorry for you and DH. It's sad when people reveal their true selves, and it's not pretty. May you and your husband find peace with one another in 2014.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Apparently, "my" actions have caused a rift in the family. My MIL sent an email and excluded me from the distribution list. Trust me, it was on purpose. My DH is really upset. It's very sad.

Dang. It sounds like no seeing your ILs won't be much of a loss.

I'd also like to know if your BIL apologized to you, not just DH.

Take a photo of the bruise. And when folks ask you to see him again, show them the photo.

[Anonymous]

I posted before you updated, OP.

I really hope that your BIL personally apologized to you. Does your MIL know that he actually left a bruise with no provocation whatsoever? Has he done this to anybody else?

What craziness. MIL's exclusion tactic allows you to bow out of the next family gathering. Make sure everybody knows WHY you are not coming, so that they don't hear a garbled version coming from MIL.

[Anonymous]

Hang tough OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your support. My DH confronted the guy who apologized to my DH. That doesn't cut it. My DH is on board to the extent that I can ban said family member from our house and that we won't be going to their house. My DH also agrees that our children will never ever "be alone" with this man, but I don't think my DH has fully grasped that my children will never EVER be near this man again. Even if other family members are present. I think the harder situation is going to be when the entire family gets together at a neutral location. My in-laws don't see fault in anyone, and they will always take their own daughter's husband over their son and me. It is just the way it is. I probably won't have to deal with this situation for about a year, and, by then, I just know that when the fury has died down, my in-laws will tell me that I'm being silly. I am going to stand my ground though.

Oh, no alcohol. This happened during the day. If I told you what I said, you'd find the behavior even more inappropriate. Let's equate it to a comment about the weather. I'm not kidding.

I don't get why people put up with abusers. I find that with my own family that people act like I am talking about the weather when abuse has been involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Apparently, "my" actions have caused a rift in the family. My MIL sent an email and excluded me from the distribution list. Trust me, it was on purpose. My DH is really upset. It's very sad.

This sounds like it's out of control. A situation like this happened in my family where I was blamed for something someone else accidentally did. Despite the fact that at the time everyone agreed I hadn't done the offending act, I was eventually forced to apologize - with the actual apology dictated to me so that I repeated it, word for word - for having caused the problem that I hadn't caused.

Unless your DH is really completely supportive of you, you may have something like this to look forward to weeks down the road.

Many other problems in my family, and I eventually had to cut off contact with them a few years ago. They still talk about the time when I caused the problem that I didn't cause, by the way.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry your in-laws are being awful. Physical aggression is sufficient cause to cut someone off from access to you or your children. if you husband wants to spend time with his family, fine--he's an adult--but he needs to make it clear that he is fully on board with the decision that you and the kids don't see this guy anymore unless he gets anger management treatment. If someone assaulted me (and left a bruise, ffs), there is no way they would be around my kids. Period.

[Anonymous]

Are they not worried about the fact that their daughter is married to someone who was physically violent?