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[quote=Anonymous]NP.  First off, very sorry you went through this.  There is no question that you are right to fully cut off your kids' and your contact from this family member.  If it's a once/year holiday that brings you all to the in laws house, then you and your DH plan to just stay a couple of hours and leave.  Period.  End of story.

I absolutely believe you were treated wrongly and that your BIL is the one with the issues.  I also though do want to say that the whole thing where you say an apology was dictated to you which you read word for word... that is some scary, bizarre, and disturbing stuff too.  Of course it's disturbing that anyone would make you do that, but why did you actually do it??  This speaks to boundary issues with you too.  I don't say that to blame you, I really don't, but I say it to say maybe it would help you and your husband to examine those dynamics re: his family with a professional and figure out what bigger things you should address with yourselves?

You absolutely have shown you can set boundaries, in saying (and your DH supporting you) that you'll never have this guy in your house or go to his house again.  But what is this with you apologizing to him for something that you didn't do?  That dynamic is nuts.  I get that the ILs may be crazy and mean or manipulative, but that they can make you do this is something you may want to look into for yourselves, even if you won't be around them again.

In other words, there may be dynamics (which would not be surprising if the ILs - your DH's parents and your SILs parents - would side with an inappropriate son in law over their own son and DIL in this situation) that mean you guys have trouble fully drawing boundaries.  I fully respect and agree with with you on setting the boundary that you will never go to him or have him over, but what will it take for you to be able to - in case you're ever around him again at the ILs and he does something crazy - what will it take for you to not allow yourself to be forced into apologizing, or participating in the ILs charade that they dont' have a nutso SIL?[/quote]

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