32 and never had a BF or relationship

[Anonymous]

I think this column needs the same advice that was given in another one: alcohol is the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this column needs the same advice that was given in another one: alcohol is the answer.

+1
Liquor will make any ugly chick look like Elle Macpherson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people offering advice to this simple-minded twit. She's a loser and this thread is for the discussion of relationships - not for the venting of dumb asses who are too ignorant and ugly to be in a relationship.

Hello OP, I'm an NP.

First off, re: posters like PP above... even for DCUM, I'm shocked at how nasty, petty, mean and abusive some of the posters in this thread are. I don't know if it's latent prejudice against Arab-Americans, which is unacceptable, or just general chauvanistic nastiness, which is also unacceptable. Either way, even for DCUM, it's horrible.

OP re: your situation, it really sounds like your fear of rejection is the source of most of what you are going through. I know from experience, because I never felt like I was that afraid of rejection that it was actually affecting my perceptions and how I acted in public, how I made (or didn't make) relationships. I had a different experience than you re: dating, but the root problem of being so afraid of rejection (stemming from parental issues, of course), that I was constantly only letting myself talk to people I'd never be attracted to, and keeping an unconscious distance from anyone who I might even remotely find attractive.

This is going to sound like awful advice to most people probably, but I really think it's the best advice I can offer you: You need to start casually dating.

I was a virgin until much later than most women, and I also only wanted to date and get sexual with someone I was serious about. But in my case and it sounds like in yours, all the expectations around that combined with your fears of rejection are paralyzing you. Paralyzing your ability to feel attraction, to get close to anyone you like as more than a friend, etc.

You need to date casually.

You need to allow yourself (maybe with the support of your girl and guy friends) to walk up to someone in a social setting and strike up a conversation. You need to do look online and have your friends shadow you (i.e. sit at another table nearby if you're deathly afraid of meeting s tranger for a date). You need to BREAK THE ICE of dating, and have NO or VERY LOW expectations, so you don't blow the whole thing with overthinking it. You need to just date.

Go online, and maybe even go out with someone you are very sure you're NOT attracted to. Go out with someone who seems nice, and be honest that you're taking things slow and just see it as meeting up to get to know each other, but do it even if you don't think you'd ever be attracted. Do it to get used to the social structure of dating, the experience of dating, the social cues, etc.

And while you do this, pay attention t your feelings. If you want to run away, ask yourself why. Ask yourself what the feeling reminds you of, when else you've felt it. Ask your friend how you look/seem when you are talking to a new guy.

I knwo you said this isn't about being gay, but would you ever consider also looking online and going on a date with a girl? Again, be honest that you're still working this all out, but would you ever consider that as well?

Either way, go on a DATE With SOMEONE, break the ice of dating. I think this will demystify some of this, lower the stakes a little (or a lot, which is really, really important), and give you a little more breathing room on this whole issue.

Lastly, BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF! There is nothing wrong with you. There most likely are some unresolved childhood issues affecting your self-perception and your ability to take chances, and you need to discover that stuff and work it through. But you are fine, you will be fine. You just need some time and you are doing the right thing by asking others for perspective. But don't beat yourself up. Even if you start trying to date and it goes horribly wrong... look for the lessons in it. Always ask yourself what you can learn about yourself from each experience. It's a learning lab, and in a way there are no "wrong moves" (as long as you stay safe and don't take unnecessary safety risks).

Really wish you luck OP, it's a hard place to be in, and the older we get, the harder it gets to resolve it. By the way, I did take my own advice, and dating and learning more about myself on dates, how men saw me when I was out socially (very different from how I thought I was seen), and just going on dates and noticing myself, and learning to quiet the deafening self-criticisms and fears I had... it all took time, but it was starting to try to date that got the ball rolling. So I speak from experience!

Good luck, and please report back sometime!

[Anonymous]

I've seen similar situations with women I know who stay virgins longer than most - it becomes a bigger deal than it would have been had you lost it earlier, so then you can get in your head and overthink it and let the paralysis take over. Yes, sex should be serious and important and with someone you love, and yes, if you have sex with someone, there is the risk you might fall in love with him and then open yourself up to getting hurt and maybe dumped. But you have to tell yourself that wouldn't be the end of the world, that you wouldn't be unclean or a bad person or immoral. Most of us have been through that at some point.

It's also hard not to overthink male-female love/sex relationships if you don't relate to men well as friends/companions. Again, you can get in your head too much and keep yourself from acting if it doesn't feel natural to you.

I'm not saying you have to go out there and be slutty or have sex, but suggesting reasons why you might be feeling what you're feeling.

For me, it's kind of like diving off the high dive. When I was in high school, every year I'd spend the whole summer wanting to dive off, but being too scared to do it. And every year, near the end of the summer, I'd manage it, and dive all day long, and feel awesome. And then the next summer, I'd be staring at the board again, thinking it's too high and scary, and I'd be paralyzed into inaction again. (ok, silly metaphor, but i feel like it applies.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this column needs the same advice that was given in another one: alcohol is the answer.

+1
Liquor will make any ugly chick look like Elle Macpherson.

You're right last 2 PPs, liquor is the answer. So please shut down yoru computers, go out and get drunk, and stop posting here. You won't be missed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are most likely ugly. Hate to say it. Men say, "you are girlfriend material," when you are nice, sweet, but ugly. Some people just aren't fuckable and you may be one of them.

You are truly an idiot, and you've obviously never been to Dragoncon or Comicon. Those 2 conferences prove: EVERYONE is fuckable. And even though I never had to go to one of those to get laid, I have to say it's what I loved about working near one of those conferences every year. The energy of so many people from around the US (or globe) coming to soemwhere where others would find them fuckable based on, well, all sorts of things... sex for the usually sexless was in the air and it was awesome!

But back to the original post, OP, you need to not listen to people like this PP. Everyone is fuckable by someone, and everyone is fuckable to someone. Ask yoru friends for REAL, HONEST feedback, and take it from there. You will be ok, but there are definitely some of your own emotional barriers you need to break through first. Good luck, and ignore the mean-spirited haters like PP.

[Anonymous]

I understand there's an SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms) song that goes "if you can't get laid in the SCA, you can't get laid at all!"

And there's an Onion article for everything:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-at-farscape-convention-has-dangerously-infla,1169/

"Paulette Osley, 24, a moderately attractive fan of the Sci-Fi Channel series Farscape, had her self-image inflated to dangerous levels during the three-day ScaperCon 2004, according to Pepperdine University professor of psychology Wes Martin."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand there's an SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms) song that goes "if you can't get laid in the SCA, you can't get laid at all!"

And there's an Onion article for everything:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-at-farscape-convention-has-dangerously-infla,1169/

"Paulette Osley, 24, a moderately attractive fan of the Sci-Fi Channel series Farscape, had her self-image inflated to dangerous levels during the three-day ScaperCon 2004, according to Pepperdine University professor of psychology Wes Martin."

Bahahaha! YES. I love you for posting this. The Onion gets it right, yet again.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the OP could use some help...professional....as in a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if the OP could use some help...professional....as in a therapist.

In this case a few shots of cognac will do her a lot more good than a few hours of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people offering advice to this simple-minded twit. She's a loser and this thread is for the discussion of relationships - not for the venting of dumb asses who are too ignorant and ugly to be in a relationship.

Hello OP, I'm an NP.

First off, re: posters like PP above... even for DCUM, I'm shocked at how nasty, petty, mean and abusive some of the posters in this thread are. I don't know if it's latent prejudice against Arab-Americans, which is unacceptable, or just general chauvanistic nastiness, which is also unacceptable. Either way, even for DCUM, it's horrible.

OP re: your situation, it really sounds like your fear of rejection is the source of most of what you are going through. I know from experience, because I never felt like I was that afraid of rejection that it was actually affecting my perceptions and how I acted in public, how I made (or didn't make) relationships. I had a different experience than you re: dating, but the root problem of being so afraid of rejection (stemming from parental issues, of course), that I was constantly only letting myself talk to people I'd never be attracted to, and keeping an unconscious distance from anyone who I might even remotely find attractive.

This is going to sound like awful advice to most people probably, but I really think it's the best advice I can offer you: You need to start casually dating.

I was a virgin until much later than most women, and I also only wanted to date and get sexual with someone I was serious about. But in my case and it sounds like in yours, all the expectations around that combined with your fears of rejection are paralyzing you. Paralyzing your ability to feel attraction, to get close to anyone you like as more than a friend, etc.

You need to date casually.

You need to allow yourself (maybe with the support of your girl and guy friends) to walk up to someone in a social setting and strike up a conversation. You need to do look online and have your friends shadow you (i.e. sit at another table nearby if you're deathly afraid of meeting s tranger for a date). You need to BREAK THE ICE of dating, and have NO or VERY LOW expectations, so you don't blow the whole thing with overthinking it. You need to just date.

Go online, and maybe even go out with someone you are very sure you're NOT attracted to. Go out with someone who seems nice, and be honest that you're taking things slow and just see it as meeting up to get to know each other, but do it even if you don't think you'd ever be attracted. Do it to get used to the social structure of dating, the experience of dating, the social cues, etc.

And while you do this, pay attention t your feelings. If you want to run away, ask yourself why. Ask yourself what the feeling reminds you of, when else you've felt it. Ask your friend how you look/seem when you are talking to a new guy.

I knwo you said this isn't about being gay, but would you ever consider also looking online and going on a date with a girl? Again, be honest that you're still working this all out, but would you ever consider that as well?

Either way, go on a DATE With SOMEONE, break the ice of dating. I think this will demystify some of this, lower the stakes a little (or a lot, which is really, really important), and give you a little more breathing room on this whole issue.

Lastly, BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF! There is nothing wrong with you. There most likely are some unresolved childhood issues affecting your self-perception and your ability to take chances, and you need to discover that stuff and work it through. But you are fine, you will be fine. You just need some time and you are doing the right thing by asking others for perspective. But don't beat yourself up. Even if you start trying to date and it goes horribly wrong... look for the lessons in it. Always ask yourself what you can learn about yourself from each experience. It's a learning lab, and in a way there are no "wrong moves" (as long as you stay safe and don't take unnecessary safety risks).

Really wish you luck OP, it's a hard place to be in, and the older we get, the harder it gets to resolve it. By the way, I did take my own advice, and dating and learning more about myself on dates, how men saw me when I was out socially (very different from how I thought I was seen), and just going on dates and noticing myself, and learning to quiet the deafening self-criticisms and fears I had... it all took time, but it was starting to try to date that got the ball rolling. So I speak from experience!

Good luck, and please report back sometime!

OP here. This was amazing. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people offering advice to this simple-minded twit. She's a loser and this thread is for the discussion of relationships - not for the venting of dumb asses who are too ignorant and ugly to be in a relationship.

What a little bitch you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people offering advice to this simple-minded twit. She's a loser and this thread is for the discussion of relationships - not for the venting of dumb asses who are too ignorant and ugly to be in a relationship.

What a little bitch you are.

I bet she's not very little.

A lot of projecting of her issues on OP, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if the OP could use some help...professional....as in a therapist.

In this case a few shots of cognac will do her a lot more good than a few hours of therapy.

Are you saying a few shots of cognac would have OP develop a relationship??

OP, I don't know you but I do think you might benefit from therapy. I have a friend who's 38, has never been in a relationship and is still a virgin. She's also very good-looking, however, she has certain psychological and emotional issues that she can't overcome on her own, but she also dislikes therapy. I seriously think she'll die a virgin.. but there's not much anyone, other than her, can do about it.

And please don't listen to the nasty PP calling you 'ugly'. If anything, the first girls from our high school class to get married were the plain-looking ones; and our universally acknowledged "beauty queen" is single to this day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people offering advice to this simple-minded twit. She's a loser and this thread is for the discussion of relationships - not for the venting of dumb asses who are too ignorant and ugly to be in a relationship.

Hello OP, I'm an NP.

First off, re: posters like PP above... even for DCUM, I'm shocked at how nasty, petty, mean and abusive some of the posters in this thread are. I don't know if it's latent prejudice against Arab-Americans, which is unacceptable, or just general chauvanistic nastiness, which is also unacceptable. Either way, even for DCUM, it's horrible.

OP re: your situation, it really sounds like your fear of rejection is the source of most of what you are going through. I know from experience, because I never felt like I was that afraid of rejection that it was actually affecting my perceptions and how I acted in public, how I made (or didn't make) relationships. I had a different experience than you re: dating, but the root problem of being so afraid of rejection (stemming from parental issues, of course), that I was constantly only letting myself talk to people I'd never be attracted to, and keeping an unconscious distance from anyone who I might even remotely find attractive.

This is going to sound like awful advice to most people probably, but I really think it's the best advice I can offer you: You need to start casually dating.

I was a virgin until much later than most women, and I also only wanted to date and get sexual with someone I was serious about. But in my case and it sounds like in yours, all the expectations around that combined with your fears of rejection are paralyzing you. Paralyzing your ability to feel attraction, to get close to anyone you like as more than a friend, etc.

You need to date casually.

You need to allow yourself (maybe with the support of your girl and guy friends) to walk up to someone in a social setting and strike up a conversation. You need to do look online and have your friends shadow you (i.e. sit at another table nearby if you're deathly afraid of meeting s tranger for a date). You need to BREAK THE ICE of dating, and have NO or VERY LOW expectations, so you don't blow the whole thing with overthinking it. You need to just date.

Go online, and maybe even go out with someone you are very sure you're NOT attracted to. Go out with someone who seems nice, and be honest that you're taking things slow and just see it as meeting up to get to know each other, but do it even if you don't think you'd ever be attracted. Do it to get used to the social structure of dating, the experience of dating, the social cues, etc.

And while you do this, pay attention t your feelings. If you want to run away, ask yourself why. Ask yourself what the feeling reminds you of, when else you've felt it. Ask your friend how you look/seem when you are talking to a new guy.

I knwo you said this isn't about being gay, but would you ever consider also looking online and going on a date with a girl? Again, be honest that you're still working this all out, but would you ever consider that as well?

Either way, go on a DATE With SOMEONE, break the ice of dating. I think this will demystify some of this, lower the stakes a little (or a lot, which is really, really important), and give you a little more breathing room on this whole issue.

Lastly, BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF! There is nothing wrong with you. There most likely are some unresolved childhood issues affecting your self-perception and your ability to take chances, and you need to discover that stuff and work it through. But you are fine, you will be fine. You just need some time and you are doing the right thing by asking others for perspective. But don't beat yourself up. Even if you start trying to date and it goes horribly wrong... look for the lessons in it. Always ask yourself what you can learn about yourself from each experience. It's a learning lab, and in a way there are no "wrong moves" (as long as you stay safe and don't take unnecessary safety risks).

Really wish you luck OP, it's a hard place to be in, and the older we get, the harder it gets to resolve it. By the way, I did take my own advice, and dating and learning more about myself on dates, how men saw me when I was out socially (very different from how I thought I was seen), and just going on dates and noticing myself, and learning to quiet the deafening self-criticisms and fears I had... it all took time, but it was starting to try to date that got the ball rolling. So I speak from experience!

Good luck, and please report back sometime!

OP here. This was amazing. Thank you.

Hi OP, I am sincerely thrilled that all that was useful to you. I meant it, and I hope you are able to take some (or all!) of that advice and go for it!

Hope you'll report back, although with the ridiculous level of psychotic nastiness that's been posted here, I would understand if you don't. But I'm hoping you do, even if it's in 2 years. Good luck! Know that some of us really are rooting for you!