32 and never had a BF or relationship

[Anonymous]

Yet everyone, including my male friends, say I'm the perfect girlfriend material.

I haven't had butterflies in my stomach since the 8th grade. I don't ever really see guys that I like. I've never had that electric instant chemistry with a guy. I don't flirt and I NEVER get flirted with. EVER.

Yet somehow I find the "friend chemistry" with both men and women comes very easily - that instant "friend" attraction where you know you want to be buddies with someone. Why do I NEVER feel that instant romantic/sexual attraction? I have an extremely high libido and masturbate twice a day - sorry if that is TMI, but I don't understand why I clearly have a healthy libido, and yet I never am attracted to anyone.

What is wrong with me? Is my heart just "shut"? More importantly - are there other women like me?

If it helps, I'm Arab-American and I was raised in a conservative household. I'm an atheist and don't care about race.

[Anonymous]

I havent had the butterflies since the 8th grade either. I dont think many women do. If you are judging attraction by your butterfly level, maybe that is why you believe you are not attracted to any guys. So, maybe you are attracted and just don't know it. You might enjoy the company of a male coworker a lot more than others. That's because you are attracted to him. It's mental, not physical.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No I mean an instant connection. Doesn't have to be butterflies obviously. Just instant attraction and sexual interest or chemistry - sparks between people.

My male friends experience it regularly. My female friends experience it regularly. I don't.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't sweat the "no instant connection" sparks or butterflies. Everyone falls in love differently. You MUST know people who have been so "in love" immediately after each breakup, who never spend more than 2 months single (if that) and others who take years in between partners.

Age doesn't really matter. I'm your age, and my parents have a divorced friend who is their age who still hops from relationship to relationship so fast that we sometimes can't keep track of the names of the new one/vs old one. I have a 28 year-old cousin who does the same thing.

Perhaps you just don't fall easily. There's nothing wrong with that. Just know that about yourself, and that you may need to be more proactive -e.g. going speed-dating or online dating and committing to several dates with people who fit whatever you are looking for before you write them off, rather than just going out and hoping to meet someone who strikes your fancy.

[Anonymous]

Why are you obsessing about "instant connection" so much? It can be nice, but most of the happiest long term relationships/marriages I know (including mine) never had it. Rather, it was just being with someone and realizing one day that you've already been in love for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you're not gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you're not gay?

+1

[Anonymous]

I think it's called autosexual? These people come across as asexual, not interested in either, but they have active sex lives with themselves. On some level they feel guilt for either thinking about or actually having sex with another person. That guilt or fear could make you not very flirty, I'd guess. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with being gay. I think I'd know if I was attracted to women. I'm not. And I don't feel guilt or fear about sex.

I do have a very strong fear or rejection. Maybe I make friends easily because I don't fear that my friendship will ever be rejected. But this is what puzzles me. I make friends SO EASILY, I have ever since pre-school, and I'm attracted to people in a friendly way all the time.

I haven't really felt attracted to anyone like that. I had one big crush as a teenager. In college, I liked nobody. During my Masters, I liked nobody. At work, I like nobody.

I'll randomly see a man I find attractive on the street or on the subway and I'll think, "Ooh, he's cute," but I don't ever feel the "I'd date him" attraction - maybe because for me, "I'd date him" means "I'll consider him as a marriage prospect". I don't have the same casual, no-future-plans approach to dating that most people do, likely due to my cultural background.

It's just frustrating. I feel like I am alone in a world where all other women are falling in love.

[Anonymous]

Are you a virgin?

I think since you've said you're not attracted to most people you meet, you may subconsciously be stopping guys from flirting with you. Without knowing you could be sending signals / body language that says I'm not interested - and so, no one will respond. I would second the idea of trying to make connections with guys as people. Have you done online dating? Although I guess if you're not interested in them, it wouldn't help...

[Anonymous]

Are you asexual?

[Anonymous]

How is your relationship with your father?

[Anonymous]

My father is a wonderful, warm, feminist man, and yes I'm a virgin. Not for religious reasons. I'm sensitive and I couldn't go to bed with a man unless there was a deep emotional connection.

I think the problem is that I don't connect with guys as people, as a PP said. I definitely see that there is a difference with how I am with my male friends, and how I am with my female friends. I don't let myself get too close to my male friends. I don't connect with them on a deep level, maybe because I feel it's inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. I think you should try some online dating just for practice and some therapy just to work through this issue. Think of dating as just a way to meet a cute guy and have a fun evening. It doesn't have to lead to sex. Maybe think about what characteristics and values you want in your future spouse. Try eharmony. It is designed for relationships as opposed to hook ups.

[Anonymous]

Try an Arab American man instead of someone out of your race and background. What you are implicitly stating as a problem (lack of physical hook ups) may be regarded as something to be treasured.

I am an Asian woman and had the same problem. There was no one who was worth losing my heart over. And I did not want to have sex with someone I did not have strong feelings for me.

Some of the guys who could have been good sexual partners were in too much of a rush to get me into bed. They had set up a limit of 4 or 5 dates by which I had to be in bed with them. So those fizzled out as well.

I eventually met and married the perfect man and he appreciated the fact that my virginity meant something special. I also had/have a strong libido and we are well matched sexually as well.