DW's Affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely get a test for STD and insist that she gets one. If she refuses, that's a clue because she should be open to it for health reasons.

IMHO, you don't need "proof" by tailing or hiring someone else to do it. The trust is gone, so the relationship's over. You could try counseling, but if prior affairs happened, what's the point?

Get a divorce, give yourself time to heal and get on with your life. Or ignore my advice. It's up to you, but a nasty, potentially violent confrontation with another man who's an outside party to your marriage won't solve anything.

I don't think that's a clue at all. If something turns up from the test, she could claim it's from pre-marriage. If she's not up to something she may be very reluctant to have invasive tests for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the evidence provided so far, we lack any ability to draw any conclusions about fault or what is driving DW to her affair.

This PP, however, is guilty of blaming the victim. In fact, Poe's Law leads me to wonder if this is some sort of joke.

Not blaming him, and, at this point, not blaming her for the condition of the marriage. Yes, assuming she is having an affair, she made the choice to have the affair. He may be a model husband, and she is just a faithless bitch who's unwilling to work on the relationship. Or, the situation might be more complicated and he might be partly responsible for the state of the relationship.

However, at this point all we have is the husband's assertion that she is having the affair, and we have nothing from the OP to indicate why this might be happening.

Just for example, there are numerous threads on this board where husbands and wives complain about lack of sex and feel powerless to change it and contemplate having an affair. There are other threads where spouses of both genders complain about other aspects of their relationship, but feel that they can't get out of the marriage.

We just don't know what's going on in this relationship, and so any rush to judgment of "fault" for the state of the relationship is premature because we don't have the information and we only have the perspective of one aggrieved spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the evidence provided so far, we lack any ability to draw any conclusions about fault or what is driving DW to her affair.

This PP, however, is guilty of blaming the victim. In fact, Poe's Law leads me to wonder if this is some sort of joke.

Not blaming him, and, at this point, not blaming her for the condition of the marriage. Yes, assuming she is having an affair, she made the choice to have the affair. He may be a model husband, and she is just a faithless bitch who's unwilling to work on the relationship. Or, the situation might be more complicated and he might be partly responsible for the state of the relationship.

However, at this point all we have is the husband's assertion that she is having the affair, and we have nothing from the OP to indicate why this might be happening.

Just for example, there are numerous threads on this board where husbands and wives complain about lack of sex and feel powerless to change it and contemplate having an affair. There are other threads where spouses of both genders complain about other aspects of their relationship, but feel that they can't get out of the marriage.

We just don't know what's going on in this relationship, and so any rush to judgment of "fault" for the state of the relationship is premature because we don't have the information and we only have the perspective of one aggrieved spouse.

You are blaming him. The affair is her fault. That fact that you don't think you can draw any conclusions about fault is ludicrous. You can. She had the affair - that is her fault.

[Anonymous]

OP. Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com. They have a Just Found Out forum that also includes people in the process of finding out. That forum is much less sexist than this one and they completely understand that women cheat and that the responsibility for that lies on the woman. there are both men and women there have had had cheating spouses and will give you much better advice than things like forgive and move on when you have an actively cheating spouse or that this is your fault. The sexism on this board is unbelievable sometimes.

Your question is about how to confront and how to collect evidence - if you post that there, you will actually get responses on that topic.

[Anonymous]

You are blaming him. The affair is her fault. That fact that you don't think you can draw any conclusions about fault is ludicrous. You can. She had the affair - that is her fault.

As I said, she may have made the choice (we only have OP's suspicion). That is her choice, and there may be consequences.

We don't know why she made that choice (if she did).

It may be as black and white as you believe. All I'm saying is that it might be more complicated, so assumi

[Anonymous]

*ng fault is prematue.

[Anonymous]

** premature.

Damn phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the evidence provided so far, we lack any ability to draw any conclusions about fault or what is driving DW to her affair.

so?

what lead her to the affair is irrelevant. she is having an affair and lying about it to her spouse. this is her fault. she could have divorced her husband instead of cheating on him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are blaming him. The affair is her fault. That fact that you don't think you can draw any conclusions about fault is ludicrous. You can. She had the affair - that is her fault.

As I said, she may have made the choice (we only have OP's suspicion). That is her choice, and there may be consequences.

We don't know why she made that choice (if she did).

It may be as black and white as you believe. All I'm saying is that it might be more complicated, so assumi

Op this is part of the problem. There are many women on this board who cheat themselves and have justified it and aren't against cheating if they can rationalize it as their husband made them do it. I think that is partly why you have received such bad advice.

[Anonymous]

There was a thread not too long ago by a woman who was in the middle of finding out her husband was cheating on her. People in that thread were supportive and empathetic and gave her advice for how to confirm it. Actually they even did some of the leg work for her. You might find that thread more helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the evidence provided so far, we lack any ability to draw any conclusions about fault or what is driving DW to her affair.

This PP, however, is guilty of blaming the victim. In fact, Poe's Law leads me to wonder if this is some sort of joke.

Not blaming him, and, at this point, not blaming her for the condition of the marriage. Yes, assuming she is having an affair, she made the choice to have the affair. He may be a model husband, and she is just a faithless bitch who's unwilling to work on the relationship. Or, the situation might be more complicated and he might be partly responsible for the state of the relationship.

However, at this point all we have is the husband's assertion that she is having the affair, and we have nothing from the OP to indicate why this might be happening.

Just for example, there are numerous threads on this board where husbands and wives complain about lack of sex and feel powerless to change it and contemplate having an affair. There are other threads where spouses of both genders complain about other aspects of their relationship, but feel that they can't get out of the marriage.

We just don't know what's going on in this relationship, and so any rush to judgment of "fault" for the state of the relationship is premature because we don't have the information and we only have the perspective of one aggrieved spouse.

They are both equally responsible for the state of their relationship- only weak willed cowards cheat to solve their problems. You must be a cheater to try and rationalize why lying and risking your spouses health is EVER okay, if you want out GTFO or deal with your problems, hell even establish an open relationship if you feel the need- but cheaters are the only one's at fault for cheating. Period.

[Anonymous]

They are both equally responsible for the state of their relationship- only weak willed cowards cheat to solve their problems. You must be a cheater to try and rationalize why lying and risking your spouses health is EVER okay, if you want out GTFO or deal with your problems, hell even establish an open relationship if you feel the need- but cheaters are the only one's at fault for cheating. Period.

Ahhh...the solace of subjective perception.
Makes it so easy to call others cowards doesn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They are both equally responsible for the state of their relationship- only weak willed cowards cheat to solve their problems. You must be a cheater to try and rationalize why lying and risking your spouses health is EVER okay, if you want out GTFO or deal with your problems, hell even establish an open relationship if you feel the need- but cheaters are the only one's at fault for cheating. Period.

Ahhh...the solace of subjective perception.
Makes it so easy to call others cowards doesn't it?

so sneaking around, and lying to meet you own needs instead of being honest about them or having them met in an honest way is not being cowardly?

[Anonymous]

Well, now, let's not be so hasty to blame the cheating wife. What if she doesn't really like her husband but she does like his income and property? And then maybe a hot guy wanted to have sex with her? What choice would she really have in that situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They are both equally responsible for the state of their relationship- only weak willed cowards cheat to solve their problems. You must be a cheater to try and rationalize why lying and risking your spouses health is EVER okay, if you want out GTFO or deal with your problems, hell even establish an open relationship if you feel the need- but cheaters are the only one's at fault for cheating. Period.

Ahhh...the solace of subjective perception.
Makes it so easy to call others cowards doesn't it?

so sneaking around, and lying to meet you own needs instead of being honest about them or having them met in an honest way is not being cowardly?

I don't think it's cowardly at all.
I think it's selfish without question - but I doubt there is anyone on this planet who isn't susceptible to the snares of selfish behavior.
The fact that you are so insistent in your sweeping indictment of others actions with no consideration for individual circumstance suggests that you, yourself, are selfish about your convictions.