DW's Affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP meant beyond the doubt (BTDT) proof that his wife is cheating - not been there done that

Wouldn't that be BTD? I've never seen the other BTDT used in any context except "been there, done that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have two options
1. Tell her that you know she is having an affair and that you want to put your marriage back together. Offer to do it with her -- ie see a counselor
2. Decide it is over and start collecting evidence of her infidelity. Don't blindly tail her like an idiot. See an attorney and figure out how to do it right.

+1

[Anonymous]

Yes, tail her and report back to us. Don't let her get away with it.

[Anonymous]

I think BTDT refers to the fact that he has caught his wife cheating before so he knows the signs. At least that was how I read it. Was surprised when I got to the PP accusing him of cheating.

[Anonymous]

You need proof Op or else she will deny. As long though as you are 100% sure, then there is no need to confront her in the moment. Just don't engage and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Definitely get a test for STD and insist that she gets one. If she refuses, that's a clue because she should be open to it for health reasons.

IMHO, you don't need "proof" by tailing or hiring someone else to do it. The trust is gone, so the relationship's over. You could try counseling, but if prior affairs happened, what's the point?

Get a divorce, give yourself time to heal and get on with your life. Or ignore my advice. It's up to you, but a nasty, potentially violent confrontation with another man who's an outside party to your marriage won't solve anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW is having an affair. She denies it, I have BTDT and where there is smoke there is fire. She has plans to meet with her lover tomorrow. Do I tail her to see where they go and confront her there?

I would put a recorder in her bag, tail her but not confront.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two options
1. Tell her that you know she is having an affair and that you want to put your marriage back together. Offer to do it with her -- ie see a counselor
2. Decide it is over and start collecting evidence of her infidelity. Don't blindly tail her like an idiot. See an attorney and figure out how to do it right.

+1

He can't put the marriage back together. She is the one having the affair.

Amazing how different the responses are when it is a husband catching his wife cheating. No one tells a wife that has just caught her husband cheating that she needs to put the marriage back together. he would be called all kinds of names and people would be telling the wife to not put up with that and that if he isn't remorseful and willing to put it off completely then there is no hope. She would be told to get out, not put up with someone who treats her poorly etc...

Here people put the blame on the man. No judgment of her. I hate this all women are saints so no matter what they do it can be excused because obviously a man made her do it.

Op - let me be the dissenting voice. This isn't your fault and it isn't your responsibility to repair the marriage. She is the one that wrecked it, the responsibility is on her to put it back together. And if she isn't completely remorseful and willing to cut off all contact - you should walk away because she is treating you like dirt. She doesn't have the moral integrity to not cheat and lie, and she doesn't mind devastating you - you really have to decide if that is who you really want to be with.

[Anonymous]

Could be BTDT if OP's relationship started as an affair. Definitely know couples where that's the case, just sayin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two options
1. Tell her that you know she is having an affair and that you want to put your marriage back together. Offer to do it with her -- ie see a counselor
2. Decide it is over and start collecting evidence of her infidelity. Don't blindly tail her like an idiot. See an attorney and figure out how to do it right.

+1

He can't put the marriage back together. She is the one having the affair.

Amazing how different the responses are when it is a husband catching his wife cheating. No one tells a wife that has just caught her husband cheating that she needs to put the marriage back together. he would be called all kinds of names and people would be telling the wife to not put up with that and that if he isn't remorseful and willing to put it off completely then there is no hope. She would be told to get out, not put up with someone who treats her poorly etc...

Here people put the blame on the man. No judgment of her. I hate this all women are saints so no matter what they do it can be excused because obviously a man made her do it.

Op - let me be the dissenting voice. This isn't your fault and it isn't your responsibility to repair the marriage. She is the one that wrecked it, the responsibility is on her to put it back together. And if she isn't completely remorseful and willing to cut off all contact - you should walk away because she is treating you like dirt. She doesn't have the moral integrity to not cheat and lie, and she doesn't mind devastating you - you really have to decide if that is who you really want to be with.

I am the PP who wrote this post. I'm sorry you viewed it this way, but my point wasn't that this was his fault, it is totally not, but that he needs to decide whether he wants to try to make things work with her or whether it is over. Obviously if she doesn't want to fix things, it's over anyways, but I guess my vision was that (1) was an ultimatum, ie tell her and say the marriage is over unless things change now. I would view this as the same thing to do for either spouse regardless of gender, but you are right that I certainly could have phrased it better.

[Anonymous]

From the evidence provided so far, we lack any ability to draw any conclusions about fault or what is driving DW to her affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two options
1. Tell her that you know she is having an affair and that you want to put your marriage back together. Offer to do it with her -- ie see a counselor
2. Decide it is over and start collecting evidence of her infidelity. Don't blindly tail her like an idiot. See an attorney and figure out how to do it right.

+1

He can't put the marriage back together. She is the one having the affair.

Amazing how different the responses are when it is a husband catching his wife cheating. No one tells a wife that has just caught her husband cheating that she needs to put the marriage back together. he would be called all kinds of names and people would be telling the wife to not put up with that and that if he isn't remorseful and willing to put it off completely then there is no hope. She would be told to get out, not put up with someone who treats her poorly etc...

Here people put the blame on the man. No judgment of her. I hate this all women are saints so no matter what they do it can be excused because obviously a man made her do it.

Op - let me be the dissenting voice. This isn't your fault and it isn't your responsibility to repair the marriage. She is the one that wrecked it, the responsibility is on her to put it back together. And if she isn't completely remorseful and willing to cut off all contact - you should walk away because she is treating you like dirt. She doesn't have the moral integrity to not cheat and lie, and she doesn't mind devastating you - you really have to decide if that is who you really want to be with.

It's pretty clear that's not what the PP meant.

Improving a marriage isn't a one person job. OP can prep for working on the marriage or he can prep for a divorce. There's no need to get into fault or blame. Those are the options, pick one.

[Anonymous]

Best advice thus far is that if you are planning on divorcing her, before you do anything else, see an attorney. An attorney will advise you on what to do and not to do to cover your ass if things get messy.

Above all, if you have kids, take the high road in all your dealings with your soon to be ex-wife. They will be in a better position when they are adults to understand what type of person she is. They won't ever need you to spell it out for them.

So sorry OP. No one deserves to be cheated on. Most cheaters are cowards. Otherwise, she would have addressed her unhappiness with the marriage first before going behind your back. Who knows how many people she has slept with during your marriage, so for your health, get checked out for STD's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two options
1. Tell her that you know she is having an affair and that you want to put your marriage back together. Offer to do it with her -- ie see a counselor
2. Decide it is over and start collecting evidence of her infidelity. Don't blindly tail her like an idiot. See an attorney and figure out how to do it right.

+1

He can't put the marriage back together. She is the one having the affair.

Amazing how different the responses are when it is a husband catching his wife cheating. No one tells a wife that has just caught her husband cheating that she needs to put the marriage back together. he would be called all kinds of names and people would be telling the wife to not put up with that and that if he isn't remorseful and willing to put it off completely then there is no hope. She would be told to get out, not put up with someone who treats her poorly etc...

Here people put the blame on the man. No judgment of her. I hate this all women are saints so no matter what they do it can be excused because obviously a man made her do it.

Op - let me be the dissenting voice. This isn't your fault and it isn't your responsibility to repair the marriage. She is the one that wrecked it, the responsibility is on her to put it back together. And if she isn't completely remorseful and willing to cut off all contact - you should walk away because she is treating you like dirt. She doesn't have the moral integrity to not cheat and lie, and she doesn't mind devastating you - you really have to decide if that is who you really want to be with.

I didn't view that PP as being anti-male or trying to blame the victim. Basically she just presented the victim's choices -- forgive and try to move on, or decide to walk away. In either case, you've got to do it *smartly* - don't tail her like an idiot and open yourself up to charges of stalking, harassment, assault, etc., or get evidence that can't stand up in court.

Anonymous wrote:From the evidence provided so far, we lack any ability to draw any conclusions about fault or what is driving DW to her affair.

This PP, however, is guilty of blaming the victim. In fact, Poe's Law leads me to wonder if this is some sort of joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two options
1. Tell her that you know she is having an affair and that you want to put your marriage back together. Offer to do it with her -- ie see a counselor
2. Decide it is over and start collecting evidence of her infidelity. Don't blindly tail her like an idiot. See an attorney and figure out how to do it right.

+1

He can't put the marriage back together. She is the one having the affair.

Amazing how different the responses are when it is a husband catching his wife cheating. No one tells a wife that has just caught her husband cheating that she needs to put the marriage back together. he would be called all kinds of names and people would be telling the wife to not put up with that and that if he isn't remorseful and willing to put it off completely then there is no hope. She would be told to get out, not put up with someone who treats her poorly etc...

Here people put the blame on the man. No judgment of her. I hate this all women are saints so no matter what they do it can be excused because obviously a man made her do it.

Op - let me be the dissenting voice. This isn't your fault and it isn't your responsibility to repair the marriage. She is the one that wrecked it, the responsibility is on her to put it back together. And if she isn't completely remorseful and willing to cut off all contact - you should walk away because she is treating you like dirt. She doesn't have the moral integrity to not cheat and lie, and she doesn't mind devastating you - you really have to decide if that is who you really want to be with.

I didn't view that PP as being anti-male or trying to blame the victim. Basically she just presented the victim's choices -- forgive and try to move on, or decide to walk away. In either case, you've got to do it *smartly* - don't tail her like an idiot and open yourself up to charges of stalking, harassment, assault, etc., or get evidence that can't stand up in court.

Anonymous wrote:From the evidence provided so far, we lack any ability to draw any conclusions about fault or what is driving DW to her affair.

This PP, however, is guilty of blaming the victim. In fact, Poe's Law leads me to wonder if this is some sort of joke.

This is a terrible option - and one that would never be told to women. They are not told to just forgive and move on. Why should the affair just be swept under the rug- why does the man just have to pretend it never happened and forgive and move on, or else divorce. People who just forgive and move on end up in the same situation months or years later because if there is no consequence for the person who cheats - they keep cheating. the only way to salvage a marriage that involves cheating is if the person who has the affair truly wants to save it and works hard to do so. It is unfair to say to the OP, he should just forgive her and move on with the marriage. Again, no one would ever tell a woman to just let him keep cheating and forgive and move on.