When you realize your child will never have a sibling (not by choice)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that are (or know) adult siblings who are not close, how are their relationships with their parents?

The adult families I know, it's not just the siblings who aren't close, it's the whole family. And, from what I've seen, it's because the parents weren't particularly emotive with their feelings, which left the kids being that way too.

I've never met a family where all the adult siblings have a great relationship with their parents, yet the siblings do not with each other. Except for some sort of major incident that tears them apart later, like lending a brother money that never gets returned or something like that that causes an immediate problem.

My brother and I aren't close, but I'm extremely close to my parents, who were always openly affectionate and loving.

Same here. My brother and I aren't close mostly because we have lived apart our entire adult lives. We were only so-so friends in high school (very different personalities), so when I moved far away for college we carried that so-so relationship with us into adulthood and living far apart in adulthood has meant it has been difficult to get closer, even though I think both of us would like that. Now that we are adults, I think we appreciate each other much more than we did as teens and we really enjoy each other's company when we are together. But we rarely see each other more than once a year and we only talk on the phone occasionally. It is actually a great sadness to me, part of a larger sadness about living and raising my own family so far from my extended family. A part of me wishes I had made very different choices when I was younger WRT college and jobs.

OTOH, both of us adore and are close to our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You get what you get and you don't get upset.

This is the most inane expression. First of all, it is fine to feel upset, there is no reason to deny the feeling - you just can't let it take over your life. Second, and more importantly, how does this stupid saying help kids to realize that there are things (having a sibling not being one of them) that you can advocate for, get upset about, and change?

+1

And for some of us, this news is still fresh. It feels like a death. Would you tell someone dealing with a family member's death to.just get over it? I'm not wallowing, but it is hard. And if other people's sadness makes you feel mean, self-righteous and angry, I feel fucking sorry for you.

Only having one child feels like a death?!!?!? God, I feel sorry for YOU. And your poor child, who has to deal with a parent who is a complete drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You get what you get and you don't get upset.

This is the most inane expression. First of all, it is fine to feel upset, there is no reason to deny the feeling - you just can't let it take over your life. Second, and more importantly, how does this stupid saying help kids to realize that there are things (having a sibling not being one of them) that you can advocate for, get upset about, and change?

+1

And for some of us, this news is still fresh. It feels like a death. Would you tell someone dealing with a family member's death to.just get over it? I'm not wallowing, but it is hard. And if other people's sadness makes you feel mean, self-righteous and angry, I feel fucking sorry for you.

Only having one child feels like a death?!!?!? God, I feel sorry for YOU. And your poor child, who has to deal with a parent who is a complete drama queen.

Yes, my husband and I both feel that way, so I guess we are both drama queens.

Lucky for me I have friends, family and clergy who get how devastating and shocking it is to learn that you cannot have more children when they have been very much wanted, you are both young and healthy, etc. We are dealing with it and moving on to make decisions about how to grow our family in positive ways, but that is difficult too and not to be taken lightly. Again, I feel sorry for you that someone else's pain makes you lash out in utterly hateful ways. I assume you've never dealt with this, so you have no clue what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Eh. I have three kids and they never hold hands. Last week my youngest shoved my oldest so hard he wound up with a bloody mouth. If it'd make you feel better I can have them re-create that moment, photograph it, and send you the card to balance out all that hand-holding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. I have three kids and they never hold hands. Last week my youngest shoved my oldest so hard he wound up with a bloody mouth. If it'd make you feel better I can have them re-create that moment, photograph it, and send you the card to balance out all that hand-holding.

lol thanks for the laugh PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, and it's ok to feel sad. I do too. But what can you do about it? This is just one of the things in life that we can't control. You get what you get and you don't get upset. And try to remember, there were probably hours of fighting to get that picture of them holding hands.

Maybe YOU don't get upset, but some of us do. As a PP said, some us do NOT feel that our families are complete. In my case, my son desperately wants a sibling and we very much want another child. We cannot have another biological child on our own. It has been very, very difficult for all of us. Please don't belittle how other people feel. It's not helpful.

I don't think it's belittling someone's feelings to say that you have to learn to deal with not getting what you want. I want my child to learn how to handle disappointment with resilience and grace, which means I have to model that for her. There are many things I want that I can't have, and I choose how to deal with that. I can focus on how sad I am and on what I am missing, or I can focus on what I do have and be grateful for that. What I do have is a loving husband and a beautiful little girl. I don't want my family to be about a person who doesn't even exist. When she asks for a sibling, I don't want to feed her sadness, which means I can't feed mine.

Again, you don't know me or how I'm handling it, nor do you know how OP is handling it. Lots of projection here from mean spirited people.

There was actually no projection or mean-spiritedness by the PP above you. She doesn't say a thing about how you should handle your situation. People are sharing their experiences - it is not all about you.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I'm not old as one PP assumed, but a single Mom made single by violence.

I go agree that I have to move on, but I only realized this reality recently and still need to grieve. I grieved the loss of my family unit

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry foe the loss of your SO, whatever the situation. That's a crappy hand and you have every right to grieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those that are (or know) adult siblings who are not close, how are their relationships with their parents?

The adult families I know, it's not just the siblings who aren't close, it's the whole family. And, from what I've seen, it's because the parents weren't particularly emotive with their feelings, which left the kids being that way too.

I've never met a family where all the adult siblings have a great relationship with their parents, yet the siblings do not with each other. Except for some sort of major incident that tears them apart later, like lending a brother money that never gets returned or something like that that causes an immediate problem.

Well, I have. My brothers and I are not close but my relationship with our parents is great. And there wasn't any sort of "major incident" that tore us apart -- my siblings and I are very different and we don't get along -- it's not as though we fight all the time, it's just that we don't particularly like each other and so we don't make any effort to spend time together. It's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, and it's ok to feel sad. I do too. But what can you do about it? This is just one of the things in life that we can't control. You get what you get and you don't get upset. And try to remember, there were probably hours of fighting to get that picture of them holding hands.

Maybe YOU don't get upset, but some of us do. As a PP said, some us do NOT feel that our families are complete. In my case, my son desperately wants a sibling and we very much want another child. We cannot have another biological child on our own. It has been very, very difficult for all of us. Please don't belittle how other people feel. It's not helpful.

I don't think it's belittling someone's feelings to say that you have to learn to deal with not getting what you want. I want my child to learn how to handle disappointment with resilience and grace, which means I have to model that for her. There are many things I want that I can't have, and I choose how to deal with that. I can focus on how sad I am and on what I am missing, or I can focus on what I do have and be grateful for that. What I do have is a loving husband and a beautiful little girl. I don't want my family to be about a person who doesn't even exist. When she asks for a sibling, I don't want to feed her sadness, which means I can't feed mine.

Again, you don't know me or how I'm handling it, nor do you know how OP is handling it. Lots of projection here from mean spirited people.

There was actually no projection or mean-spiritedness by the PP above you. She doesn't say a thing about how you should handle your situation. People are sharing their experiences - it is not all about you.

Okay, fine. Share away. Came across as presuming and superior to me, as though I am not handling my situation with "resilience and grace.". And yes, saying "you get what you get and don't get upset IS belittling, and uber obnoxious. Different people have different ways of dealing with these situations, and platitudes don't help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry and I understand these are all very real feeling but I think everyone gets tired of hearing this refrain from the granny moms of America. I realize many people have other issues that prevent them from having more kids, but it is really tiresome coming from the oldsters. When you are old our body can't make children as easily. Not a mystery.

I am not old. An RE told us that everything for both of us checked out great as far as hormones; I can't carry again because of severe uterine scarring.

So again, another mean-spirited bitch making assumptions about total strangers on the internet. I don't know why I am surprised.

OP, ignore these cunts. Feel sad if you need to. It's normal and it will get better. It has been getting better for me but it is still hard.

Your language is awful. Do you kiss your poor child with your potty mouth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Okay, fine. Share away. Came across as presuming and superior to me, as though I am not handling my situation with "resilience and grace.". And yes, saying "you get what you get and don't get upset IS belittling, and uber obnoxious. Different people have different ways of dealing with these situations, and platitudes don't help.

Well, if you were the PP who wrote:

Wow. You are a grade A cunt. Probably good you can't have more kids. Don't fucking tell me how to feel bitch - you don't know me, my family, or my situation, nor do you know how we are handling it. So FUCK you.

then, yes, I would say you are not handling it with "resilience and grace."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Okay, fine. Share away. Came across as presuming and superior to me, as though I am not handling my situation with "resilience and grace.". And yes, saying "you get what you get and don't get upset IS belittling, and uber obnoxious. Different people have different ways of dealing with these situations, and platitudes don't help.

Well, if you were the PP who wrote:

Wow. You are a grade A cunt. Probably good you can't have more kids. Don't fucking tell me how to feel bitch - you don't know me, my family, or my situation, nor do you know how we are handling it. So FUCK you.

then, yes, I would say you are not handling it with "resilience and grace."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I want for christmas is a sibling for my daughter.

me too

[Anonymous]

I have a sister if anyone wants her. I would love to be an only child.