When you realize your child will never have a sibling (not by choice)

[Anonymous]

I still have pangs of sadness about being one and done, but I really think that it's more my own sadness of not getting to parent another child rather than sadness at not being able to provide a sibling for my DD.

Re some of the sibling questions/conversations - my husband has 3 siblings who consider themselves close and do have a good relationship with their parents, but at the same time they don't have a lot of interaction with each other. We live 1000 miles away so visits are rare, his sister is quite absorbed in her own household and rarely initiates contact, another brother got engaged to someone who doesn't like his parents so they don't come to most get-togethers (but see us individually when we're in town), and another brother who has become so overweight that he can barely make it to work and family gatherings and avoids contact because of the inevitable questions about how he's doing and offers to help (I know, not necessarily helpful, but it's hard for them so see someone they love in such bad shape). So that's a long way of saying that a houseful of friendly siblings like each other a whole lot but don't really have a huge everyday affect on each other's lives as adults.

[Anonymous]

For me, that point hit when all the friends who were pregnant at the same time as me started having their second. (and in some cases, their third.) So I processed that long before the photos started rolling in. I feel bad sometimes that my daughter - who desperately wants a sibling - will never have one, but I do accept that given our circumstances (single mom in a very expensive area), it's just the way it is.

I also wish I'd been born with bigger boobs and smaller hands and a better grasp of calculus and physics, but I don't dwell on those things either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those that are (or know) adult siblings who are not close, how are their relationships with their parents?

The adult families I know, it's not just the siblings who aren't close, it's the whole family. And, from what I've seen, it's because the parents weren't particularly emotive with their feelings, which left the kids being that way too.

I've never met a family where all the adult siblings have a great relationship with their parents, yet the siblings do not with each other. Except for some sort of major incident that tears them apart later, like lending a brother money that never gets returned or something like that that causes an immediate problem.

My brother and I aren't close, but I'm extremely close to my parents, who were always openly affectionate and loving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I want for christmas is a sibling for my daughter.

Same here, except for my son. I can't carry again due to uterine scarring, and we're trying to decide if adoption is for us. My son asks often and seems to think Santa will bring him a brother or sister. It breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, and it's ok to feel sad. I do too. But what can you do about it? This is just one of the things in life that we can't control. You get what you get and you don't get upset. And try to remember, there were probably hours of fighting to get that picture of them holding hands.

Maybe YOU don't get upset, but some of us do. As a PP said, some us do NOT feel that our families are complete. In my case, my son desperately wants a sibling and we very much want another child. We cannot have another biological child on our own. It has been very, very difficult for all of us. Please don't belittle how other people feel. It's not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, and it's ok to feel sad. I do too. But what can you do about it? This is just one of the things in life that we can't control. You get what you get and you don't get upset. And try to remember, there were probably hours of fighting to get that picture of them holding hands.

Maybe YOU don't get upset, but some of us do. As a PP said, some us do NOT feel that our families are complete. In my case, my son desperately wants a sibling and we very much want another child. We cannot have another biological child on our own. It has been very, very difficult for all of us. Please don't belittle how other people feel. It's not helpful.

New poster. I do get your feelings, because I have had them myself. I also cannot have more biological children. But at some point, you need to buck the hell up. My son desperately wants a sibling, and a dog, and a toy store in the guest bedroom. He's not getting any of those things, but he is getting a lesson in how to handle disappointment and learn to be happy with the life and family that we have. Go on the special needs board if you need a reminder of how f-ing lucky you are. the incessant whining about what you don't have is destructive to your entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, and it's ok to feel sad. I do too. But what can you do about it? This is just one of the things in life that we can't control. You get what you get and you don't get upset. And try to remember, there were probably hours of fighting to get that picture of them holding hands.

Maybe YOU don't get upset, but some of us do. As a PP said, some us do NOT feel that our families are complete. In my case, my son desperately wants a sibling and we very much want another child. We cannot have another biological child on our own. It has been very, very difficult for all of us. Please don't belittle how other people feel. It's not helpful.

New poster. I do get your feelings, because I have had them myself. I also cannot have more biological children. But at some point, you need to buck the hell up. My son desperately wants a sibling, and a dog, and a toy store in the guest bedroom. He's not getting any of those things, but he is getting a lesson in how to handle disappointment and learn to be happy with the life and family that we have. Go on the special needs board if you need a reminder of how f-ing lucky you are. the incessant whining about what you don't have is destructive to your entire family.

Wow. You are a grade A cunt. Probably good you can't have more kids. Don't fucking tell me how to feel bitch - you don't know me, my family, or my situation, nor do you know how we are handling it. So FUCK you.

[Anonymous]

I am and only and my husband is and only. We worried about our children not having extended family. I come from a big family with lots of cousins I never thought would leave my side and at 40 I can say they are all strangers and I feel like I am pushing on them. DH comes from a single mother with no extended family. We now have three boys two year separations and they are thick as thieves. I wouldn't change my life or theirs as we all adjust to our circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, and it's ok to feel sad. I do too. But what can you do about it? This is just one of the things in life that we can't control. You get what you get and you don't get upset. And try to remember, there were probably hours of fighting to get that picture of them holding hands.

Maybe YOU don't get upset, but some of us do. As a PP said, some us do NOT feel that our families are complete. In my case, my son desperately wants a sibling and we very much want another child. We cannot have another biological child on our own. It has been very, very difficult for all of us. Please don't belittle how other people feel. It's not helpful.

I don't think it's belittling someone's feelings to say that you have to learn to deal with not getting what you want. I want my child to learn how to handle disappointment with resilience and grace, which means I have to model that for her. There are many things I want that I can't have, and I choose how to deal with that. I can focus on how sad I am and on what I am missing, or I can focus on what I do have and be grateful for that. What I do have is a loving husband and a beautiful little girl. I don't want my family to be about a person who doesn't even exist. When she asks for a sibling, I don't want to feed her sadness, which means I can't feed mine.

[Anonymous]

You get what you get and you don't get upset.

This is the most inane expression. First of all, it is fine to feel upset, there is no reason to deny the feeling - you just can't let it take over your life. Second, and more importantly, how does this stupid saying help kids to realize that there are things (having a sibling not being one of them) that you can advocate for, get upset about, and change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, and it's ok to feel sad. I do too. But what can you do about it? This is just one of the things in life that we can't control. You get what you get and you don't get upset. And try to remember, there were probably hours of fighting to get that picture of them holding hands.

Maybe YOU don't get upset, but some of us do. As a PP said, some us do NOT feel that our families are complete. In my case, my son desperately wants a sibling and we very much want another child. We cannot have another biological child on our own. It has been very, very difficult for all of us. Please don't belittle how other people feel. It's not helpful.

I don't think it's belittling someone's feelings to say that you have to learn to deal with not getting what you want. I want my child to learn how to handle disappointment with resilience and grace, which means I have to model that for her. There are many things I want that I can't have, and I choose how to deal with that. I can focus on how sad I am and on what I am missing, or I can focus on what I do have and be grateful for that. What I do have is a loving husband and a beautiful little girl. I don't want my family to be about a person who doesn't even exist. When she asks for a sibling, I don't want to feed her sadness, which means I can't feed mine.

Again, you don't know me or how I'm handling it, nor do you know how OP is handling it. Lots of projection here from mean spirited people.

[Anonymous]

You do know those cards don't tell the whole truth .

I am lucky to have boys 2.5 years apart that do get along really, really well--but they have lots of friends that fight with their siblings all of the time.

My dad, my childhood best friend and college best friend are all only children that are the most extroverted, hilarious and successful people. They also are some of the most loyal friends. None said they missed siblings until it was time to deal with aging parents-/ but even then the burden usually falls on one sibling.

Try not to worry and enjoy your child. I remember being envious of my best friend growing up--less chaotic house , better vacations, .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You get what you get and you don't get upset.

This is the most inane expression. First of all, it is fine to feel upset, there is no reason to deny the feeling - you just can't let it take over your life. Second, and more importantly, how does this stupid saying help kids to realize that there are things (having a sibling not being one of them) that you can advocate for, get upset about, and change?

+1

And for some of us, this news is still fresh. It feels like a death. Would you tell someone dealing with a family member's death to.just get over it? I'm not wallowing, but it is hard. And if other people's sadness makes you feel mean, self-righteous and angry, I feel fucking sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry and I understand these are all very real feeling but I think everyone gets tired of hearing this refrain from the granny moms of America. I realize many people have other issues that prevent them from having more kids, but it is really tiresome coming from the oldsters. When you are old our body can't make children as easily. Not a mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry and I understand these are all very real feeling but I think everyone gets tired of hearing this refrain from the granny moms of America. I realize many people have other issues that prevent them from having more kids, but it is really tiresome coming from the oldsters. When you are old our body can't make children as easily. Not a mystery.

I am not old. An RE told us that everything for both of us checked out great as far as hormones; I can't carry again because of severe uterine scarring.

So again, another mean-spirited bitch making assumptions about total strangers on the internet. I don't know why I am surprised.

OP, ignore these cunts. Feel sad if you need to. It's normal and it will get better. It has been getting better for me but it is still hard.