Lost all Control in My Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you not have a job? I don't get it.

Did you read her posts? About how her husband's job needed to take priority and the child care costs for three kids wouldn't make it worthwhile for her to work?

Her kids are 13, 10, & 6. Childcare costs are not that high when your kids spend the majority of the day in school.

The only way out of this mess for her is to get a J.O.B.

Furthermore to SAH at the expense of a retirement, college fund, and personal independence is not exactly a bright move.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to get a job plus counseling. This isn't about the appliances - it is about how you make decisions in your household.

Even if the job only pays enough to cover after school care for the 6 year old, you should do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Three kids, ages 13, 10 and 6.

I dug this hole for myself. I thought that by supporting him at home (not financially) I'd help his career, our family, our life. I also thought that if raised the children and assumed most daily responsibilities pertaining to them, kept the house together and food for all, he'd certainly be able to lend a hand with heavy lifting, literally. Instead, I'm living with inoperable/broken appliances, faulty lock on our front door, a dark entrance, I could go on...he does not care or pretends not to notice.

Talk to him and stop whining.

The dynamic is that both you and he are likely used to power relationships, not partnerships. DH now treats you like an employee in the marriage because you're not making much money. You treat him like an employee in the house, that small business that you run. He expects you to be his maid; you expect him to be your plumber.

You both dug this hole for yourselves. The best thing when you've dug yourselves into a hole is to stop digging.

[Anonymous]

OP, your children are in school now. Your "childcare is too expensive" excuse is not really valid anymore. There are a lot of people who have to sort out to manage the hours between school getting out and parents getting off work. It's not like you have to reinvent that wheel.

I am all for single income families, where it's truly a partnership. Yours isn't. You are essentially a single parent whose life is funded by someone who participates only minimally in it. Your locks being broken is dangerous - for you, for your kids, for your husband. Not having appliances that work is unacceptable if there is money to fix them. I'm not sure what your husband would do to fix a truly broken washing machine, but I also believe that if you have a joint checking account for household expenses (presumably the mortgage and groceries and utilities come out of that account), I don't see why getting things fixed around the house is not considered a household expense. Pay someone to have these things repaired or replaced, if you are unwilling or unable to do it yourself (personally, I think the "dark entryway" issue is kind of ridiculous - you can't change a lightbulb?). Next time he says "We can't afford it", tell him that you would like to sit down and go over the family's finances. If your family can't afford to replace a broken appliance, I'd be concerned that money is being spent somewhere imprudent, and I'd want to know where that is so that you could cut back on other expenses to fund necessities. $150k is not a huge annual income for the area, but there is no reason that you shouldn't be able to repair things when they break at that income level.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you're trapped. Too bad. Single people, take heed.

[Anonymous]

Not much help for the bigger issue, but I just wanted to let you know changing out door knobs and locks is VERY easy. Remove them, take them to Lowes,ask for something identical.

[Anonymous]

I was in your situation. And then I was not. Where your marriage is, is a product of your own mental making.

Sorry if it seems harsh. You are not owning with pride what you do. You are thinking you are less than him because you are SAHM and so you become that. You are treated in the way you allow others to treat you.

I like the idea of you saying that he has 2 weeks before you get a handyman. And then you get one. I wanted a leak fixed and gave the job to DH. He did not get it done - for 3 months. His excuse was that no one wanted to do small repairs. If you bundle up small repairs into one job, you can get someone to come and do the job for you.

I live in a neighborhood with a number of Indian families in it, and for some strange reason they will always have recommendations for handymen who charge very reasonably.

[Anonymous]

OP - You gave away all of your power in your marriage with both hands.

Stop acting helpless and take back your power with both hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - You gave away all of your power in your marriage with both hands.

Stop acting helpless and take back your power with both hands.

I feel for you OP. I was in the same exact boat. Working PT though. Was totally there for my soon to be ex. Guess what, he just walked out on us. I should've left him years ago, but I stayed, thinking that this was my what I signed up for, that things will get better with the next job, etc. Turns out, he was completely checked out, I was not imagining his disinterest, but I was an idiot for not recognizing it sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Three kids, ages 13, 10 and 6.

I dug this hole for myself. I thought that by supporting him at home (not financially) I'd help his career, our family, our life. I also thought that if raised the children and assumed most daily responsibilities pertaining to them, kept the house together and food for all, he'd certainly be able to lend a hand with heavy lifting, literally. Instead, I'm living with inoperable/broken appliances, faulty lock on our front door, a dark entrance, I could go on...he does not care or pretends not to notice.

Talk to him and stop whining.

The dynamic is that both you and he are likely used to power relationships, not partnerships. DH now treats you like an employee in the marriage because you're not making much money. You treat him like an employee in the house, that small business that you run. He expects you to be his maid; you expect him to be your plumber.

You both dug this hole for yourselves. The best thing when you've dug yourselves into a hole is to stop digging.

Pretty good post for alot of marriages I am sure...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look for a Handyman service that takes credit cards.

Plus find one who is hot!

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

In this country, his money is your money too and if he plays that game you need to know under the eyes of the law, it's considered abuse if he doesn't let you have access to the household money.

That being said, fix what needs fixing on your own. There are books to show you how, internet DIY sites with live help, replace any appliances you need replacing. Don't let anyone treat you bad. He's your husband, not your owner.

If he can't handle that, divorce will. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this country, his money is your money too and if he plays that game you need to know under the eyes of the law, it's considered abuse if he doesn't let you have access to the household money.

That being said, fix what needs fixing on your own. There are books to show you how, internet DIY sites with live help, replace any appliances you need replacing. Don't let anyone treat you bad. He's your husband, not your owner.

If he can't handle that, divorce will. Good luck.

Abuse? Umkay.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's great that you are home with your children and investing in them right now. You don't necessarily need to get a job to take back some power in your relationship. Ignore those judgemental working moms. You do need to control the budget and finances though. Make sure there are fund avail to do home repairs. Its your office and you need it to be safe and non-chaotic. I would ask the kids for more help cleaning/organizing around the house. They are certainly old enough. And I would have plans on weekend a night--plan a date night for just you. I get that datenight frustration. My DH never plans dates! Never has but I learned that if I have plans without him (even just a drive to the monuments) he suddenly feels left out and starts planning. Lastly, could your DHbe depressed? It sounds like he is having trouble with motivation, decision making and care for others. Not acceptable but maybe a counselor could help him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to everyone. Really. I needed to hear this.

DH and I had the talk last night and I aired my grievances. We both ended up in tears. I told him I was thinking about leaving for a while...or at least a weekend. We need to be better communicators.

I'm heading back to nursing school. Something I've put off for years. It's time.

Much of this is that my DH just completed his masters degree and I've had to pick up so much of the slack. Im tired of doing it all. My turn now.

First repair guy is coming over tomorrow. Striving for one repair a week until Christmas.