DH reluctant to socialize or participate in events involvong my family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he's cheating on you. No it is not normal. Something more is going on. I'd go to the bar or use find my friends or another tracking device.

Yes. With a dude. He sounds like a bad father and husband.

[Anonymous]

I guess my question in all this was when did this all start. When you were dating did he seem to resent going to see your family once a week or is this a new development? Going to the bar every night when he has a kid at home WTF. At what point did this start? When did he stop making time to spend with you, his child, and making sure you have the opportunity to unwind? At a minimum you should have two nights where you get to unwind and he is on childcare duty.

As far as not wanting to so socialize with other couples, I give DH a pass on that one since I can see how talking to people that are already friends or you know real casually at a bar is very different from the social effort of being a guest coming over for dinner with the kids. My DH doesn't like to host either more because of the extra work when he wants to have time to relax on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess my question in all this was when did this all start. When you were dating did he seem to resent going to see your family once a week or is this a new development? Going to the bar every night when he has a kid at home WTF. At what point did this start? When did he stop making time to spend with you, his child, and making sure you have the opportunity to unwind? At a minimum you should have two nights where you get to unwind and he is on childcare duty.

As far as not wanting to so socialize with other couples, I give DH a pass on that one since I can see how talking to people that are already friends or you know real casually at a bar is very different from the social effort of being a guest coming over for dinner with the kids. My DH doesn't like to host either more because of the extra work when he wants to have time to relax on the weekend.

There weren't weekly dinners with my family when we were dating. They started after my mother retired. There were occasional family events. DC attended, but there was often a lot of complaining.

This whole situation began at some point after DC was born. I was not available to do things, as I had a baby at home, so DH started to do lots on his own. He wasn't at home helping me, even after my maternity leave ended.

Regarding socializing, I had an active social life before I had DC. DH joined at times. It wasn't really a problem then. At the moment, I would like for us to have a more active social life as a family for DC's sake.

I must add that DH has been only intermittently employed as a consultant in the last few years, and I think he may feel uncomfortable around people he doesn't know well because of that.

[Anonymous]

OP. YOu really really need some real friends OR a social worker to talk to. Im afraid your isolation has had a greater impact on you than you know, and it appears you do not see things that total strangers with just a little bit of info are seeing quite easily. This is not because people are jumping the gun, or because details are lacking. Its because the behaviors you chose to mention, all other things being equal, stand out as a huge red flag.

To be frank you also sound like you are depressed. There is a lack of anger or investigative zeal or any of the things all of us are immediately feeling upon reading of these behaviors. It looks like you are nOT thinking about yourself enough, and have just accepted a whole lot of unacceptable things. This sounds like depression. And that is bad.

OP, please go talk to someone on your own. Just saying this stuff out loud to a real person will do wonders for your clarity. You are isolating yourself, probably due to depression, and you are digging yourself a pretty deep pit here by believing that the one thing you would like is for him to be there with yoru famly. DH is an absentee dad. He is "checked out". He is NOT PRESENT. This is not acceptable and no amount of dinners with your parents would change that.

You are looking at one small symptom: socializing with family and ignnoring the CAUSE: Your DH is not with you emotionally.

Please dont just slip into a depression- this is one chance at life you have. Reclaim your identity as a person: get some therapy for yourself to understand why you have accepted this. Identify what you want to confront DH on and then do it.

Sorry to say OP its not normal for straight guys to support other guys with daily drinking and socialzing at gay bars. Its just not. Straight guys who love their friends do very little talking about problems, and its all about solving problems. Not wallowing in them or being all emotionally present for them. Its a gross generalization, but for good reason. I know you dont believe DH is gay, but really you have to understand very clearly that most closeted gay married men do way better job of hiding it. It can be hidden. Your DH is sending you a message of some sort that you are just not receiving.

[Anonymous]

Several red flags here, OP. Would your DH be receptive to marriage counseling - I think you need that ASAP. And if he won't go, you go to a therapist yourself.

[Anonymous]

Going to a bar every night is not normal. It is weird. He is going to a gay bar every single night and it's not bc he is a fall down drunk that has to drink. He is going thee for the company every single night. How can you think this is not a problem? Why is your question about he acts at your family get-togethers? Also, having to see your family every week is something he shouldn't have to do. I would get so annoyed having to have dinner with the in-laws every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sometimes, if I awaken briefly, I smell alcohol on his breath. . . . The place he goes to is largely gay with a straight contingent.

That smell on his breath? That's not alcohol.

Well, if the other dude has been drinking, surely he has alcohol in his cum… so she be right.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pps that there are many odd things about your husband's behavior but wanted to point out that IMO dinner weekly with your family is way too much time to expect him to spend with ILs.

[Anonymous]

Get therapy, OP. From your posts I would guess you need support and clarity. I would also urge you to get marriage counseling. Leaving aside the gay bars and the unwillingness to hang out with your family, it sounds like your H is evasive and that the two of you are seriously disconnected.

[Anonymous]

Also just saw that your DH is unemployed. This guy has problems. Can you do some sleuthing on phone or computer to see who he's meeting up with, gay porn sites, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get therapy, OP. From your posts I would guess you need support and clarity. I would also urge you to get marriage counseling. Leaving aside the gay bars and the unwillingness to hang out with your family, it sounds like your H is evasive and that the two of you are seriously disconnected.

OP here. Thanks to everybody who took or will take the time to respond. Outside perspective is so important, and I don't feel I can fully confide in anybody. The responses have been so thoughtful and thought provoking, and I am thankful for a platform like DCUM. I too put my two cents in when I am able to impart useful information to others. It's so hard to know what is normal when you're in the midst of things. Just trying to manage the day to day, which takes up most of my time, is hard enough.

I did begin to seek therapy a few weeks ago to gain some clarity. However, these responses from a wide variety of people are so eye opening.

[Anonymous]

Unlike others I think he may not necessarily be gay. Maybe he likes to talk to gay men who are more open to discussion of emotional issues? I would give him the benefit of a doubt.

As for family stuff, honestly, who likes them??? I feel stressed when I have to meet H's friends and their spouses; I would love to never see my in laws. I only do this out f politeness.

I think the problem is that your H has grossly insufficient input in your family. He des nit bring home the bacon, he doesn't spend time with his child, he doesn't help you around the house, he doesn't bring romance into your relationship.
All the rest is just details. I think he does not care if he stays or goes, that's why he acts like e doesn't give a sh.t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH goes out to a bar every night. I'm usually asleep when he comes home. Sometimes, if I awaken briefly, I smell alcohol on his breath. I don't think he drinks excessively because when I am up when he returns, he appears to be sober. The place he goes to is largely gay with a straight contingent.

In any event, he has something of a social life at the bar. He's had other friends here and there too. He takes the needs of his freind seriously and is very helpful to them. If I were to ask for similar favors, DH would likely comply, but he would complain and grumble. DH also goes to class reunions and to NYC every so often on his own or with a friend. He gets together with a college friend in Vegas every year.

When it comes to socializing that I initiate, he's very reluctant unless he knows and likes the people. It's hard to get to know people, however, if you refuse to meet them. It's hard to sicialize as a couple because DH is so reluctant. What is more difficult is the extreme avoidance of socializing as a family. When we are invited to join other families, DH never wants to. He might go after an argument or me begging because such things are good for DC. There is a family that's been trying to have us over for dinner. I try to put them off because I'm likely going to have to attend without DH. Quite often only DC and I show up and I make an excuse for DH. I find this situation truly humiliating.

I would like a social life, especially for the family...

Another problem is that he whines and complains about somewhat weekly dinners with my family. He usually arrives late. Other times he says he has to work even though it's the weekend and these dinners only entail a couple of hours. I feel ashamed.

DH also acts like he's doing me a favor by taking DC to extracurriculars becuase he so "busy." He's no more busy than anyone else in this town.

What shall I do? How do others percieve the situation? I try to pretend everything is OK, but inside I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and die when I attend a fasmily-type event such as a lunch without him although he's in town and available. When people make an effort to cook for you and host you, it's so rude not to show up...

Also, is going out to a bar every night normal for a married man with a child?

Holy fuck. Marry me.

I'd kill to go to a bar once a month.

I try to take the kids from my wife to go on vacations so she can have a break and she says no cause she's afraid of airplanes.

I am home every night.

There a happy medium for us somewhere. I'll meet you at midnight at the clock tower. I'll be wearing baby drool.

Forever yours.

[Anonymous]

OP unless your husband is Homer Simpson and your sisters are Patty and Selma, no, this is not normal, appropriate, or acceptable.

[Anonymous]

OP - have you tried Al Anon? It sounds like alcohol is part of this distressing picture and I found it to be a really supportive environment and a start to pulling together pieces of my life. Just a thought.