Grandparent Funeral - Out of Country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re prior conversations - yes, in fact, it was not the only reason but we did structure our summer vacation (which was very expensive to the point that we do this only every 2-3 years) around a trip to see DH family, including building into a very busy schedule unrushed time for him to visit on his own with his grandfather and say goodbye. About 5 years ago, doctors told the family that grandfather only had a few days to live - and DH flew over then to say goodbye (and attend funeral). Well, doctors were wrong then. (We don't think doctors are wrong now - grandfather is no longer lucid and receiving ever increasing doses of morphine).

So, yes, I do feel different today than 5 years ago - he did say goodbye to grandfather just 3 months ago. Attending the funeral is about being there for the rest of the family (which he saw 3 months ago) and for his father (who is coming to visit in December). At the time of the false alarm trip 5 years ago, he had not seen his extended family or grandfather for 2 years at that point.

It will not mean no Xmas presents for the family. Actually, what I told DH is that I feel uncomfortable because we have no family budget. If we had a budget, it would actually be easier for me to not worry about the money. I would know what we'd budgeted and then where the money is coming from. We've had very unpredictable and complicated taxes for the past few years. I'm not sure we are withholding enough (we had a lot of changes since last year too). Last year we had a massive tax bill.

This. Being at the funeral is about being there for his family. And that is important. If you really couldn't afford it, that would be one thing. If your husband didn't want to go, that would be his choice. But if it's important to him to be with his family for this, and you can afford it, he should go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks PP for the tip re YNAB software. I will look into that.

Oh, and to the PP who said to stop nagging DH, I had to laugh. So interesting how much people read into the situation. DH and I have barely even had one conversation about funeral travel. His grandfather has not died yet, but it does not look good.

I don't want DH to regret not going, and he will most likely go & we will just adjust our spending/family vacation as needed. But for my own piece of mind I want to get a budget in place so that I have a better sense of what the numbers mean. (Whether I need to worry about $2000 expenditure or not).

I think some of you may not have experienced the situation where family is overseas. The reality of it is that it is not possible to be there for every event that you would be there for if the family lived closer. There are choices all the time. We do not have the kind of money needed to fly overseas multiple times per year on a regular basis.

OP, I feel you but I am seriously questioning how you are not aware of whether you need to worry about $2000 or not. How do you have literally no budget or idea of where you are financially? That's the real red flag here. Also, yes, you sound resenful. Presuming this is a case of DH having moved away from his family and not the other way around, your coldness toward this situation is weird and unwarrented.

[Anonymous]

13:26 here. OP, I do understand about family members being far away, and in our case, we can only see my husband's family every few years (if we/he goes abroad), or in my case, unfortunately, it has been more than 8 years since seeing one side of my family. Anyway, it is not a small amount of money, so I do understand about needing to ration expenditure. I just think for something that (will be of) utmost importance to your husband, then I would support him to go.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are being petty and miserly as long as you aren't going into debt to finance this trip.

It's not only his grandfather, it's one of his parent's father. The parent might need support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly I think you're being disgusting, OP. Your DH may need the funeral to provide some closure about his grandfathers death, or may feel the need to be around family at that time. I'm a bit appalled that somebody would feel the need to question if attending the funeral of a close family member is worth the financial cost/time commitment. Sad.

Given that you've confirmed the funds will not take away from needs or immediate wants (Christmas), I agree. The fact that you two haven't come up with a family budget is a problem, but don't punish your husband for that (Do let this be a wake-up call that you need to make a budget).

My grandmother is 87 and overseas, and I am very close to her. I've been able to make trips to see her nearly every year, and that travel was something DH and I talked about before we even got married. When she dies, it is very important to me to go pay my last respects and to support and be supported by our extended family. If my DH gave me a hard time about that being "worth it" when we had available funds, I would be both crushed and angry.

[Anonymous]

To the OP: you can never really know the grief someone is experiencing inside.
No planning ahead of time can prepare someone for the grief they experience when the realization of death hits. For some people, returning home to be with family following a death is an important part of the healing. You should not try to deny your spouse his opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks PP for the tip re YNAB software. I will look into that.

Oh, and to the PP who said to stop nagging DH, I had to laugh. So interesting how much people read into the situation. DH and I have barely even had one conversation about funeral travel. His grandfather has not died yet, but it does not look good.

I don't want DH to regret not going, and he will most likely go & we will just adjust our spending/family vacation as needed. But for my own piece of mind I want to get a budget in place so that I have a better sense of what the numbers mean. (Whether I need to worry about $2000 expenditure or not).

I think some of you may not have experienced the situation where family is overseas. The reality of it is that it is not possible to be there for every event that you would be there for if the family lived closer. There are choices all the time. We do not have the kind of money needed to fly overseas multiple times per year on a regular basis.

this just makes you sound like a horrible person, being dramatic. You already said you only go overseas to visit his family every 2 or 3 years. Neither your DH or anyone else is talking about going multiple times a year on a regular basis. This is going for a family funeral. You sound miserly and bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's grandfather will probably die in the next few days (less likely within weeks). DH wants to attend the funeral. This will likely cost $2000 (roughly) in airfare and DH will need to use up in the vicinity of 3-5 precious vacation days.

Am I being petty to question whether this trip is really worth it? We travelled to DH's home country this summer where DH got to see his grandfather who thankfully was having a good day and was able to have a nice conversation with DH, knew him, etc. DH also visited with his family on this trip. DH's parents are coming here for Xmas.

It seems like (to me) sometimes you need to accept that you live half a world away and it's just not always the right choice to be there. I missed my grandfather's funeral for same reason while I was studying abroad. I'm not saying that just because I missed my grandfather's funeral, he needs to miss his grandfather's. But just that even it would be possible financially (possible but not without consequences, eg for our family plans for the year), it might not be the right choice.

DH thinks I'm being miserly. Maybe I am.

If DH wants to go, and all you are doing is giving up summer fun, then he gets to go. It is a big deal that he has relocated to another country. These trips, part of the deal.

[Anonymous]

If it means not paying your mortgage or daycare payment then no he shouldn't go. If it means you don't get to take a vacation next year then he goes.

Saying good bye to someone in advance isn't the same as laying them to rest. Lots of people need the chance to do both for closure. It's important to keep in mind people grieve differently, so while you didn't need to go to your grandfathers funeral you DH may feel strongly that he needs to go to say goodbye, find peace etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being petty and miserly as long as you aren't going into debt to finance this trip.

It's not only his grandfather, it's one of his parent's father. The parent might need support.

Ok this is redundant and stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks PP for the tip re YNAB software. I will look into that.

Oh, and to the PP who said to stop nagging DH, I had to laugh. So interesting how much people read into the situation. DH and I have barely even had one conversation about funeral travel. His grandfather has not died yet, but it does not look good.

I don't want DH to regret not going, and he will most likely go & we will just adjust our spending/family vacation as needed. But for my own piece of mind I want to get a budget in place so that I have a better sense of what the numbers mean. (Whether I need to worry about $2000 expenditure or not).

I think some of you may not have experienced the situation where family is overseas. The reality of it is that it is not possible to be there for every event that you would be there for if the family lived closer. There are choices all the time. We do not have the kind of money needed to fly overseas multiple times per year on a regular basis.

You sound very selfish. My husband's mom is in CA and he goes several times a year. I would love to go with him as I'd like to bring our child. We don't think twice about him going. I cannot imagine telling my husband not to go. Christmas is supposed to be about family. You don't need a house full of gifts.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]If it means not paying your mortgage or daycare payment then no he shouldn't go. If it means you don't get to take a vacation next year then he goes.

Saying good bye to someone in advance isn't the same as laying them to rest. Lots of people need the chance to do both for closure. It's important to keep in mind people grieve differently, so while you didn't need to go to your grandfathers funeral you DH may feel strongly that he needs to go to say goodbye, find peace etc. [/quote]

+1
And, as PPs have observed, to share memories of the deceased with extended family (who may be making their own sacrifices to be there.)

All of my late husband's family is in Europe. I can't imagine having been anything but supportive of him for a trip to a grandparent's funeral. Especially if we could afford it without sacrificing the basics. Hell, i can't imagine not moving heaven and earth to have his DD attend his grandmother's funeral even now that he's not here to force the issue. I borrowed $$ from my BIL to attend my brother's funeral after his unexpected death. I asked for an advance against my leave to attend my best friend's sister's funeral. My whole family convened for my father's funeral, the only missing members were the second cousins who live in Australia. And they Skyped us with condolences and shared happy memories.

People have different expectations and traditions relating to family funerals. If I were you, I would honor my husband's wishes without question so long as they don't implicate mortgage, childcare and similar critical expenses.

[Anonymous]

Which country is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's grandfather will probably die in the next few days (less likely within weeks). DH wants to attend the funeral. This will likely cost $2000 (roughly) in airfare and DH will need to use up in the vicinity of 3-5 precious vacation days.

Am I being petty to question whether this trip is really worth it? We travelled to DH's home country this summer where DH got to see his grandfather who thankfully was having a good day and was able to have a nice conversation with DH, knew him, etc. DH also visited with his family on this trip. DH's parents are coming here for Xmas.

It seems like (to me) sometimes you need to accept that you live half a world away and it's just not always the right choice to be there. I missed my grandfather's funeral for same reason while I was studying abroad. I'm not saying that just because I missed my grandfather's funeral, he needs to miss his grandfather's. But just that even it would be possible financially (possible but not without consequences, eg for our family plans for the year), it might not be the right choice.

DH thinks I'm being miserly. Maybe I am.

Let DH go and grieve his grandfather. Just have him bring home nominal presents for the kids, if you have any.

[Anonymous]

You are only trying to make your husband miss his grandfather's funeral to assuage your guilt from missing your grandfather's funeral. Not that it matters, because with your lack of sympathy, you do are never going to make ti to the grandparent stage together.