Grandparent Funeral - Out of Country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, unless you won't be able to pay food, utils, and mortgage payment, etc, which is doesnt sound like is the case, he should go home if he wants to.

Agreed. And then work out a budget from now on. Plus, there is still plenty of time to make sure you file your taxes correctly this year so I don't see how that is an issue.

[Anonymous]

You get each kid 1-3 reasonably priced presents. They do not need a room full of toys. Yes, he should absolutely go. If it were my husband, the plane ticket would have been booked and he would have been on his way.

[Anonymous]

Please go.

We were fortunate to be able to go to my grandmother's funeral in Europe one January, and then travel to my grandfather's funeral 3 DAYS LATER in Asia! We went as a family, toddler in tow. I can't even begin to tell you how that jet lag felt like…

We hope to be able to travel to see my other grandmother, however now funds are tight and DH might not get time off, so it would maybe just be me and the 2 kids in Tokyo. But you do what you have to do!

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, but you have given no convincing reason why your DH should not go. If he wants to be there you need to just tell him to go.

You almost sound resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly I think you're being disgusting, OP. Your DH may need the funeral to provide some closure about his grandfathers death, or may feel the need to be around family at that time. I'm a bit appalled that somebody would feel the need to question if attending the funeral of a close family member is worth the financial cost/time commitment. Sad.

This. And your husband will likely resent you for it if he doesn't go due to your nagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will not mean no Xmas presents for the family. Actually, what I told DH is that I feel uncomfortable because we have no family budget. If we had a budget, it would actually be easier for me to not worry about the money. I would know what we'd budgeted and then where the money is coming from. We've had very unpredictable and complicated taxes for the past few years. I'm not sure we are withholding enough (we had a lot of changes since last year too). Last year we had a massive tax bill.

OP, I agree with you about the family budget. Budgets make it so much easier to tackle important decisions. You should look at YNAB (it's a budgeting software - they have a website you can search for). I learned about it on DCUM. It was a big pain to set up correctly, but runs perfectly and has made a big difference for us.

[Anonymous]

After reading you follow up I think you are not being misery. He already said his goodbyes only a few months ago and his family is coming for x-mas. If it were my husband I would talk him into not going, but if he insisted, there is nothing I could do about it. Just plan for a vaccation without him next year.

[Anonymous]

I think it will be a nagging regret for him if he does not go. I do understand about distances, such as if the family is in Asia, and it's very burdensome to travel there and back. But if it is that meaningful to him and, sadly (in the case of a funeral), it is a one-time visit for that occasion, he should go.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP. He said his goodbyes a few months ago and that's a lot of $ that could be spent elsewhere.

I say this as someone who comes from a family that doesn't have funerals, though, so there's nothing to miss. I feel sorry for people who 'have to' go home for cultural reasons. I get flying home for people who are sick. Not for people who are dead, but I undertand I am peculiar for this somehow. I feel your pain.

[Anonymous]

DH missed one grandparent's funeral and vowed not to miss the others. It's a time to connect as a family, share memories, visit with distant relatives who are rarely gathered. It's a way to show respect to the loved one and honor his or her memory. I know it's not always possible to go, but I think people should make an extra effort to do so for loved ones.

[Anonymous]

I missed my grandmother's funeral almost 20 years ago, and it's something I still think of with regret. It was outside my control, but I still wish I had been there.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't go to my grandmother's funeral in Europe because I was sick, getting chemo, and I still regret it in many ways. (I COULD have gone, but just didn't feel up to it)

I did go to my stepfather's memorial in another country, and I'm so glad I did. A funeral is not about saying goodbye to the person who died (you do that while they are still alive) It is about connecting as a family, and gathering together the community of people who loved that person. I wasn't even that close to my stepfather, and going to that memorial service, and hearing from/talking to all those people meant a great deal to me.

Let your husband go without feeling guilty. It sounds like he really cares about that grandfather, and I bet that experience will be a powerful one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, $2k is a lot of money. Only you know how that will impact your family. If its like "no gifts for Christmas" then I don't think you are petty.

If its just an abstract savings goal or extra vacation, then yes, maybe a little petty. But I agree with you that at some point your husband needs to accept that his family is not in Pennsylvania.

PP you mean in a contest between a family member funeral and a new XBOX -- the XBOX wins??
Seriously??

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks PP for the tip re YNAB software. I will look into that.

Oh, and to the PP who said to stop nagging DH, I had to laugh. So interesting how much people read into the situation. DH and I have barely even had one conversation about funeral travel. His grandfather has not died yet, but it does not look good.

I don't want DH to regret not going, and he will most likely go & we will just adjust our spending/family vacation as needed. But for my own piece of mind I want to get a budget in place so that I have a better sense of what the numbers mean. (Whether I need to worry about $2000 expenditure or not).

I think some of you may not have experienced the situation where family is overseas. The reality of it is that it is not possible to be there for every event that you would be there for if the family lived closer. There are choices all the time. We do not have the kind of money needed to fly overseas multiple times per year on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Can he get bereavement days from work? That would take care of the vacation day problem - most larger companies have extra days built in when this is necessary.

And yes, $2000 is a lot of money, but if he wants to go, and you actually have the $2000 accessible, he should go. It has to be his choice.