Crazy Commute - is it worth it to go to school of choice????

[Anonymous]

I agree SAHP find it insulting rather than saying, oh sure the morning is fine but the afternoons are complicated so he may have to do aftercare. But as a working parent I was not insulted when my friend asked to carpool. I just told her my schedule and she worked around it. It's not about disrespecting or not valuing other's time. It a simple question. Can you carpool?

Anonymous wrote:The issue is that having additional kids in your car means that you are tied to bringing them home directly from school. You can't pick up your kids and head off to a park, you can't get together for in formal play dates with your children's friends, and you can't really do errands on your way home with other kids in tow. I used to carpool, and there was no problem with having an additional two children in the car. What it lacked, though, was any flexibility for the parent doing the driving. I wanted to be able to hang out with my kids at the library and do homework some days. I wanted to be able to schedule extracurriculars and I felt like, without having someone else's children in mind. By the time my kids were through early elementary years, we only went straight home from school one or possibly two days per week. And on some of those days, we had their friends coming home with us.

This may be different from when we parents were young, when people tended to do fewer outside activities after school. Also, the kids in my neighborhood growing up tended to play all together. Now that Kids from school are spread it throughout many neighborhoods, there's much more driving to and from play dates. So, I wouldn't take offense, or assume a parent who has chosen to stay at home is trying to be unfriendly, if she does not want to commit to driving additional kids, particularly for gas money. In fact, I would prefer to help someone out as a favor, rather then have a working parent offer me gas money. Really, it may come off as quite insulting. You may be able to find someone to help out, but I would be very careful how you approach it, as it might be easy to get a bad reputation if other parents feel you do not value their time, and especially their time with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:find families which whom to carpool.

Not OP, but in a carpool scenario, is anyone ever willing to do a one-driver carpool?
Meaning, say you're a SAHP in MD or VA who has always driven your child into DC everyday. I WOH full-time. If I paid you for gas, would you be willing to drive my child with you on a daily basis?

That's a tough situation, OP. But I wouldn't want the extra responsibility or hassle every single day. I SAH and we don't really need the gas money, which wouldn't add up to much and wouldn't make up for the extra stress on me in the morning of having to worry about an additional kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is that having additional kids in your car means that you are tied to bringing them home directly from school. You can't pick up your kids and head off to a park, you can't get together for in formal play dates with your children's friends, and you can't really do errands on your way home with other kids in tow. I used to carpool, and there was no problem with having an additional two children in the car. What it lacked, though, was any flexibility for the parent doing the driving. I wanted to be able to hang out with my kids at the library and do homework some days. I wanted to be able to schedule extracurriculars and I felt like, without having someone else's children in mind. By the time my kids were through early elementary years, we only went straight home from school one or possibly two days per week. And on some of those days, we had their friends coming home with us.

This may be different from when we parents were young, when people tended to do fewer outside activities after school. Also, the kids in my neighborhood growing up tended to play all together. Now that Kids from school are spread it throughout many neighborhoods, there's much more driving to and from play dates. So, I wouldn't take offense, or assume a parent who has chosen to stay at home is trying to be unfriendly, if she does not want to commit to driving additional kids, particularly for gas money. In fact, I would prefer to help someone out as a favor, rather then have a working parent offer me gas money. Really, it may come off as quite insulting. You may be able to find someone to help out, but I would be very careful how you approach it, as it might be easy to get a bad reputation if other parents feel you do not value their time, and especially their time with their kids.

PP here. The above poster sums it up nicely. It's nothing personal, but for my family (and it seems for others) the flexibility is valuable. I know I like to whisk my kid off to the zoo or a museum after school, or else to playdates here or there. Another child in the car means having to drive all the way home, and then more car time if we want to go anywhere in the afternoon.

I do really, really feel for working parents, though. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who was looking at private schools for her child. She believed that it was her responsibility to pick the right school for him, and that should be her focus. Things like distance/ease of commute, whether there was a bus that picked up in the neighborhood, etc., where factors that were not about what was best for her son and so they should not be considered when making the decision.

A few years in, she told me that if she were making the decision again, the very factors she had dismissed as not important were where she would start her process of elimination. So her search for the "perfect school" would not start with "what's best for DC?" but with, "what's most convenient for our family and among THOSE choices, what's best for DC?"

This really stuck with me. It really is okay--even right--to start from the premise that your DCs' schools should work for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do really, really feel for working parents, though. It's hard.

Thanks to you and the PPs who gave some detailed responses. I'm not the OP, but I'm the PP who posed the question about asking a SAHP to drive.

We have the resources to afford private school, but transportation to the schools we are interested in would be the number one sticking point. I appreciate the points made about why it probably wouldnt' work for another parent to do most of the driving.

The gas money piece wasn't meant to be insulting but more to say that I'd want to offer something as way of thanks for the assistance from the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are so generous with other people's time. "Oh, I'm sure she wouldn't mind." "It won't be any trouble at all." "You're going there anyway, right?"

It's obvious some people feel like it is no problem and others think it is a huge problem.

You think is it is impossibly inconvenient to have another chilli your car, me ...not so much.

If it was just about having another chilli in the car, no it wouldn't be a problem. BTW, I've carpooled 3 of my own kids and numerous neighborhood kids for 12 years to a K-8 independent school. So I know all about it. It's nice that you're kind.

[Anonymous]

OP - Obviously different folks have different perspectives on this, but let me add another. If the reason you kids are in different schools is because the school of the older child would be a bad fit for your younger child, then you do what you need to do and manage. However, if the first child's school can work for both -- even if not younger's "first choice" -- I would think long and hard before taking on two schools. And if its the other way around, the older one might be just as happy in the other school, I would not rule out a switch if there was a natural breaking point (e.g. 9th grade) although obviously I would be very reluctant to that if the older child is happy in his/her current school (could resent the younger child and you). At our school, a number of parents have moved a second child to our school or said in retrsospect they wish they had consolidated the kids in retrospect.

Some other things to consider besides distance: 1) when you add sports and clubs to the mix, the commuting patterns and hours can be much worse than the "normal" pattern; (2) having kids in the same school can bring them closer -- they know the same teachers, students, etc. even if their friends are very different based on the age difference; (3) one annual fund, one auction, one homecoming, etc.; (4) always the same vacation days /snow days/ teacher admin days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:find families which whom to carpool.

Not OP, but in a carpool scenario, is anyone ever willing to do a one-driver carpool?
Meaning, say you're a SAHP in MD or VA who has always driven your child into DC everyday. I WOH full-time. If I paid you for gas, would you be willing to drive my child with you on a daily basis?

nope
it's too much of a responsibility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:find families which whom to carpool.

Not OP, but in a carpool scenario, is anyone ever willing to do a one-driver carpool?
Meaning, say you're a SAHP in MD or VA who has always driven your child into DC everyday. I WOH full-time. If I paid you for gas, would you be willing to drive my child with you on a daily basis?

Maybe if the SAHP was really in need of money or extremely generous. I'm neither, I guess, and would rather just deal with my own kids.

This. I do not want to be tied down to your kid for gas money. If I needed it I would but it is not enough to make it worth it. If you were a long time friend who helped me, maybe. Hire a driver. I stay home to attend to my kids, not yours. [/quote



this

[Anonymous]

The essence of a carpool is that you take turns. As a SAHM, I'm happy to do you a favor every once in a while (i.e. early dismissal day, snow day, emergency), but I am not willing to make a long term commitment to driving your kid without sharing the load. Even thpugh I do not work for pay, I do have commitments, and to ask me to do all the driving (with or without offering gas money) is insulting and assumes that your time is worth much more than my time.

I carppol to get my kid to school, but what that means is tha each family is responsible for driving an equal number of trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do really, really feel for working parents, though. It's hard.

Thanks to you and the PPs who gave some detailed responses. I'm not the OP, but I'm the PP who posed the question about asking a SAHP to drive.

We have the resources to afford private school, but transportation to the schools we are interested in would be the number one sticking point. I appreciate the points made about why it probably wouldnt' work for another parent to do most of the driving.

The gas money piece wasn't meant to be insulting but more to say that I'd want to offer something as way of thanks for the assistance from the parent.[/quote

then u need to offer something substantial. like $2000 a month.

[Anonymous]

We did make it work with a SAHM in a short term arrangement for summer camp. I started off by asking if she wanted to carpool and offered first. I took her DD three times and she picked up my kids once. The one time she picked up my kids it was a life saver. I think if you are able to offer, you'll come out ahead. If not, does an aftercare retired lady fit in your budget?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who was looking at private schools for her child. She believed that it was her responsibility to pick the right school for him, and that should be her focus. Things like distance/ease of commute, whether there was a bus that picked up in the neighborhood, etc., where factors that were not about what was best for her son and so they should not be considered when making the decision.

A few years in, she told me that if she were making the decision again, the very factors she had dismissed as not important were where she would start her process of elimination. So her search for the "perfect school" would not start with "what's best for DC?" but with, "what's most convenient for our family and among THOSE choices, what's best for DC?"

This really stuck with me. It really is okay--even right--to start from the premise that your DCs' schools should work for your family.

I think you make a great point here. If the school is so very special... it still might make you resent/or not be able to do it. Our "perfect" school is 30-1 hour away. It is not working. The traffic in DC is awful and that makes every decision about can I get there or not? On the other hand we had a school much closer and it was nicer and we accomplished more by not spending so much time driving. A DC commute is just as soul draining as a work commute, and if they are in different directions...not worth it to me, anyway.

[Anonymous]

The attitude that SAHM are just waiting to drive your kid for you is amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The attitude that SAHM are just waiting to drive your kid for you is amazing.

Exactly! It would be like a co-worker assuming/expecting that you will drive them home every day from work simply because you live nearby (and, worse, insultingly offers you "gas money" as a gesture). Is there any WOHM who would be "just fine" with this scenario? Doubt it! Puhleeze people, get real.