When we are each different religions...what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am Catholic but not a practicing Catholic. Very serious with a Jewish man. He wants to get engaged but religion is a dividing factor, he has asked me to convert which is out of the question. He says its not him but his parents. I for much the same reasons would not do that though I do not practice my religion. It would kill my mother and it is not a consideration. Any input? We are at a standstill right now. He has said he still wants to go forward and that our families will need to accept things as they are but I am afraid it will come up later when we start a family.

First red flag.....Don't marry a guy who doesn't have a backbone. If he is not adult enough to make critical decisions on his own without his parent's approval, then can you imagine what your marriage would be like? You're not marrying his parents. You're marrying him. Many folks have interfaith marriages or they allow their spouses the freedom to practice their own religion. It is your choice and your choice alone. If you want to convert to Judaism, then that's fine. However, if you don't, then he must respect and accept your decision. Why do you both have to be the same religion? Why not just accept that you're not that religious. Also, wait until your future children are older and they could choose for themselves.

Religion or not..I will not marry a man who always have to answer to his Mommy. He needs to accept you and not try to change you. If not, then don't get married. Marry somone who accepts you for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Catholic but not a practicing Catholic. Very serious with a Jewish man. He wants to get engaged but religion is a dividing factor, he has asked me to convert which is out of the question. He says its not him but his parents. I for much the same reasons would not do that though I do not practice my religion. It would kill my mother and it is not a consideration. Any input? We are at a standstill right now. He has said he still wants to go forward and that our families will need to accept things as they are but I am afraid it will come up later when we start a family.

First red flag.....Don't marry a guy who doesn't have a backbone. If he is not adult enough to make critical decisions on his own without his parent's approval, then can you imagine what your marriage would be like? You're not marrying his parents. You're marrying him. Many folks have interfaith marriages or they allow their spouses the freedom to practice their own religion. It is your choice and your choice alone. If you want to convert to Judaism, then that's fine. However, if you don't, then he must respect and accept your decision. Why do you both have to be the same religion? Why not just accept that you're not that religious. Also, wait until your future children are older and they could choose for themselves.

Religion or not..I will not marry a man who always have to answer to his Mommy. He needs to accept you and not try to change you. If not, then don't get married. Marry somone who accepts you for you.

Statistically speaking, children who grow up with nothing choose ... nothing. The person who grows up in a household with no religion (so that they can "choose for themselves" as teens or adults) doesn't know about religion, and - consequently - rarely chooses any religion.

I agree that a man who feels he has to answer to his parents on major life issues like this one will pose problems vis-a-vis many marital issues down the line. Red flag.

[Anonymous]

usually the woman control what religion the family changes to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Catholic but not a practicing Catholic. Very serious with a Jewish man. He wants to get engaged but religion is a dividing factor, he has asked me to convert which is out of the question. He says its not him but his parents. I for much the same reasons would not do that though I do not practice my religion. It would kill my mother and it is not a consideration. Any input? We are at a standstill right now. He has said he still wants to go forward and that our families will need to accept things as they are but I am afraid it will come up later when we start a family.

First red flag.....Don't marry a guy who doesn't have a backbone. If he is not adult enough to make critical decisions on his own without his parent's approval, then can you imagine what your marriage would be like? You're not marrying his parents. You're marrying him. Many folks have interfaith marriages or they allow their spouses the freedom to practice their own religion. It is your choice and your choice alone. If you want to convert to Judaism, then that's fine. However, if you don't, then he must respect and accept your decision. Why do you both have to be the same religion? Why not just accept that you're not that religious. Also, wait until your future children are older and they could choose for themselves.

Religion or not..I will not marry a man who always have to answer to his Mommy. He needs to accept you and not try to change you. If not, then don't get married. Marry somone who accepts you for you.

Statistically speaking, children who grow up with nothing choose ... nothing. The person who grows up in a household with no religion (so that they can "choose for themselves" as teens or adults) doesn't know about religion, and - consequently - rarely chooses any religion.

I agree that a man who feels he has to answer to his parents on major life issues like this one will pose problems vis-a-vis many marital issues down the line. Red flag.

"Nothing" when it comes to religion, can be a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here me converting is absolutely out of the question just not happening for many many reasons. I will not raise my kids Jewish. We got into a big argument yesterday mostly because we both feel pressured from the families and now even between us because we both want kids but know that they need to have an identity.

The sad thing is he is fine raising them Catholic but is nervous about his parents. So this is where we are. We are actually going to see someone tomorrow night who specializes in this very thing. To be continued.

I think you have a second problem here. First he was putting the blame for the pressure on his parents; now he's "nervous" about them accepting his decision. Not a good sign at all OP.

[Anonymous]

Even if he says now that he is OK raising them Catholic, once you realize a child is on the way, you suddenly start to realize how important your own roots are and the connection to that community.

Even if it's worked out now or in a few months, don't expect it to be so cut and dry once you're expecting a child. I would never let my child be raised anything but Jewish, and I have a very tiny religious identity - it was never important to me until I realized a baby was on the way and got very emotional when I thought of carrying the traditions on to the next generation. So be careful.

I have two uncles who married non-Jews, neither couple had children. Both couples are still married. I think if there were children, that wouldn't be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Catholic but not a practicing Catholic. Very serious with a Jewish man. He wants to get engaged but religion is a dividing factor, he has asked me to convert which is out of the question. He says its not him but his parents. I for much the same reasons would not do that though I do not practice my religion. It would kill my mother and it is not a consideration. Any input? We are at a standstill right now. He has said he still wants to go forward and that our families will need to accept things as they are but I am afraid it will come up later when we start a family.

First red flag.....Don't marry a guy who doesn't have a backbone. If he is not adult enough to make critical decisions on his own without his parent's approval, then can you imagine what your marriage would be like? You're not marrying his parents. You're marrying him. Many folks have interfaith marriages or they allow their spouses the freedom to practice their own religion. It is your choice and your choice alone. If you want to convert to Judaism, then that's fine. However, if you don't, then he must respect and accept your decision. Why do you both have to be the same religion? Why not just accept that you're not that religious. Also, wait until your future children are older and they could choose for themselves.

Religion or not..I will not marry a man who always have to answer to his Mommy. He needs to accept you and not try to change you. If not, then don't get married. Marry somone who accepts you for you.

Statistically speaking, children who grow up with nothing choose ... nothing. The person who grows up in a household with no religion (so that they can "choose for themselves" as teens or adults) doesn't know about religion, and - consequently - rarely chooses any religion.

I agree that a man who feels he has to answer to his parents on major life issues like this one will pose problems vis-a-vis many marital issues down the line. Red flag.

"Nothing" when it comes to religion, can be a good thing.

The point is that saying, "we will do nothing; our children can choose a religion when they are older" is meaningless given what the stats say re what that approach yields.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if he says now that he is OK raising them Catholic, once you realize a child is on the way, you suddenly start to realize how important your own roots are and the connection to that community.

Even if it's worked out now or in a few months, don't expect it to be so cut and dry once you're expecting a child. I would never let my child be raised anything but Jewish, and I have a very tiny religious identity - it was never important to me until I realized a baby was on the way and got very emotional when I thought of carrying the traditions on to the next generation. So be careful.

I have two uncles who married non-Jews, neither couple had children. Both couples are still married. I think if there were children, that wouldn't be the case.

This.

[Anonymous]

I think that might be true for some but we have had a "meeting of the minds" and with both sets of parents. We told them after careful consideration we have decided to each keep our faith but that our kids will be baptized and raised Catholic. At first it wasn't very pleasant on either end but we spent about 2 hours together and it was like family therapy and a focus group! We ended up all being on the same page and I promised to still celebrate a few of the less religious Jewish holidays in honor of my future MIL. Its not to say we will not have issues down the road but we have paved the road, everyone knows where we stand I feel MUCH MUCH better about this now. AND we set a date!!

[Anonymous]

You can marry a jew without converting. If you want to have children then you will need to convert so that the kid can be born jewish. But you can wait and as long as you convert before kid is 7 it will be jewish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am Catholic but not a practicing Catholic. Very serious with a Jewish man. He wants to get engaged but religion is a dividing factor, he has asked me to convert which is out of the question. He says its not him but his parents. I for much the same reasons would not do that though I do not practice my religion. It would kill my mother and it is not a consideration. Any input? We are at a standstill right now. He has said he still wants to go forward and that our families will need to accept things as they are but I am afraid it will come up later when we start a family.

If you're a not a "practicing" Catholic - whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean - then why not convert?

Here's my advice - not give a shit. If you're going to break off the relationship with someone you supposedly love because of fairy tales written by nomadic fisherman and sheepheaders 2000 years ago then you're an idiot.

And tell your parents to but out - it's your life and your soon to be husband's life. If you want to raise your kids as voodoo practitioners then that's your choice and no one else's.

Stop letting other people - like your family, church/synagogue control your lives.

[Anonymous]

Celebrate both religions. They are not that different. That is what Cokie Roberts and her husband do. I know a lot of Jewish/Christian families and they do just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can marry a jew without converting. If you want to have children then you will need to convert so that the kid can be born jewish. But you can wait and as long as you convert before kid is 7 it will be Jewish

You are not understanding this, I do not want to raise my kids Jewish. But we have decided that our kids will be raised Catholic without either of us converting. Religion to both of us is more of a spiritual state than being branded as this or that. We have made it clear to both parents that this is our agreement and our intentions with regard to our future family and in the end, they are both at peace with it. I promised to observe some of the less religious Jewish holidays for my future MIL out of respect.

And to the person who said I don't need to listen or honor what my parents think, I completely disagree. They are an important part of my life and I care what they have to say. They haven't' steered me wrong so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"Nothing" when it comes to religion, can be a good thing.

The point is that saying, "we will do nothing; our children can choose a religion when they are older" is meaningless given what the stats say re what that approach yields.

So, if not indoctrinated as children, people tend not to become religious.

I think that's a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"Nothing" when it comes to religion, can be a good thing.

The point is that saying, "we will do nothing; our children can choose a religion when they are older" is meaningless given what the stats say re what that approach yields.

So, if not indoctrinated as children, people tend not to become religious.

I think that's a good thing.

^^This. Religion is like alcohol. You shouldn't expose your children to it until they're old enough to understand what it is.