Have you ever been cut off by a family member?

[Anonymous]

For all intents and purposes, yes. DH's husband said some bigoted things and refused to attend our mixed faith wedding. After some rough convos we forgave him. Then his wife chimed in to tell us to get over both the comments and the miscarriage we'd since suffered. We realized these two people were too toxic to have a relationship with. We made clear our boundaries of respect if they were to be around us in the future and asked them not to come around if they can't do that. BIL occasionally does come around when we're in town to see our kids. Haven't heard from his wife in years...and we're ok with that.

[Anonymous]

Sorry meant to say DH's brother in previous post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut off my mentally ill mom. She is a toxic, venomous bitch. She brings absolutely no good to this world. After 20 years in therapy trying to figure out a way to have a relationship with her, I had to cut her out when she started her toxic sickness on my kids.
I can't change her or make her happy.

+100! Best decision I've ever made. And I'm done worrying about how my cutting her off effects her. Spent the first 33 of my life doing that.

[Anonymous]

I'm ashamed to say I cut off everyone in my family. For my own sake and sanity it had to be done.

I have to live by my standards, not someone else's. I'n sorry they think so poorly of me but I really don't give a damn.

Life is way too short and I am happy where I am.

[Anonymous]

Wasn't this thread about being cut off, not cutting people off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wasn't this thread about being cut off, not cutting people off?

Well no one will ever admit they were the problem or the difficult person. It is always the other people that were toxic and therefore people like to talk about how they are awesome and cut the not awesome people from their lives. You aren't going to get people saying they were so awful that their family had to cur them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wasn't this thread about being cut off, not cutting people off?

Well no one will ever admit they were the problem or the difficult person. It is always the other people that were toxic and therefore people like to talk about how they are awesome and cut the not awesome people from their lives. You aren't going to get people saying they were so awful that their family had to cur them off.

True. I was excited to read this and hear from the narcissists, sociopaths and mentally ill. Instead it turned into group therapy. Which is fine. I guess.

[Anonymous]

When you're called brainwashed by family it's pretty much a given it's them not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never cut a family member off but have a family history of that happening at the grandparent level---both of my paternal grandparents were estranged from various siblings due to falling outs over property. I mention the family history only because it means that I grew up with the familial expectation that if you could not be civil to your fellow family members, then don't expect to be invited to Christmas dinner.

Now I think about this issue a lot, as we have a teenager whom we adopted as an older child who has lots of oppositional defiance and anger issues. While I am doing everything in my power as a parent to get DC needed help in the form of therapy and providing loving consistency---on my darkest days I wonder what I will feel like if DC is still so volatile and difficult as an adult---it's the counterpoint to the toxic mother scenario---what if it is your child that is the toxic one?

OP here. My secret fear is that I'm the toxic one and I'm a nutter and I have it all wrong. Ugh.

OP, the fact that you are even self-aware enough to ask that is indicative that you are not the nutter. One of my psychologist friends once said that it wasn't the people with the pathologies that were in her office seeking help, it was the people who loved them.

People who are toxic or crazy or abusive are "crazymakers" - they literally make the others around them feel crazy. That's what they do. Some of them even enjoy doing it.

You are fine. And you are doing what's best for you and your family. I wish I could hug you.

This is soooo true.

[Anonymous]

My son refuses to speak to me.

For years I thought he hated his father but it was me he hated. I cry.

[Anonymous]

That's really sad 1:34. Do you know why your son cut you off? Is there any way to make amends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wasn't this thread about being cut off, not cutting people off?

Well no one will ever admit they were the problem or the difficult person. It is always the other people that were toxic and therefore people like to talk about how they are awesome and cut the not awesome people from their lives. You aren't going to get people saying they were so awful that their family had to cur them off.

True. I was excited to read this and hear from the narcissists, sociopaths and mentally ill. Instead it turned into group therapy. Which is fine. I guess.

OP here. Yes, I was asking to hear from people who had been cut off because I fear I might be crazy re cutting off my mom. So I was hoping for perspective.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents cut me off after I cut off their son, my alcoholic and abusive father. They did not consider me part of the family as it was (because I am adopted) and they felt that I was wrong and disloyal to not stand by him, no matter what he'd done. My father also told me that my adoption was a contract and that he could break it any time.

From their perspective, I was the crazy one. That's not how I see it, but it took me a long time and a lot of therapy to learn how to not internalize their view. OP, even if the people you cut off try to blame you, you don't own that. If you know your reasons are the right ones, then the questions you should be asking (if I may say so) are why are you letting someone with their own agenda define you and why are you second-guessing yourself?